


Home

by XxymsxX



Series: 2Jae Angsty AU [3]
Category: GOT7
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Attempt at Humor, Drabble, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Love, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Nightmares, Tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-25
Updated: 2017-01-24
Packaged: 2018-08-11 01:29:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 31
Words: 57,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7870261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/XxymsxX/pseuds/XxymsxX
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>ONE SHOT UPDATE </p><p>24/1/17</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Home

**Author's Note:**

> So I'm going to update this in chapters rather than one fic at a time since it's only short drabbles. The chapters alternate between present and past, so the first one is the present and so on. And yeah, happy reading :D

“What do you want from me, Jaebum?” Youngjae asks the man that’s currently leaning against the doorframe of the kitchen. The man didn’t answer, and a few minutes of silence passed. “Do you want me to leave? Do you want me to be the one to break this off? Why are you still here?”

“Why are you still here?” Jaebum whispered back and Youngjae scoffed.

“Answer me, what do you want?” Youngjae asks again, eerily collected, like the calm before a storm. 

“I want to know why you are still here.” Jaebum replied, hands playing the with ends of his sleeve, not looking up even once.

“This is my home hyung, where else can I go?” The younger one asks, voice breaking as tears threatens to fall.

“I suppose it’s the same for me.” He replied quietly.

“No hyung, you ran away from our home. You ran way and left me to fend for myself all alone.”

“Then why didn’t you leave?” Jaebum finally looked up to him.

“Because it’ my home. I’m not going to leave it like you did.” Youngjae met his stare dead on, then stood up and went to the spare bedroom. Jaebum stood there a while more, until tears streamed down his face. Then he head to grab the bottle of Absolut.


	2. Meet

“Black coffee, no sugar, no anything just coffee.” Jaebum whimpered, wanting to get his coffee as quickly as possible, to rid himself of the awful hangover.

“Rough night?” The boy behind the counter smiled, while keying in his order. Keying it in very slowly, Jaebum noticed.

“Can you make it fast please?” He asked – begged – and leaned in closer to take a look at his nametag. “Yugyeom-shi.”

“Are you sure you don’t want any pastries with that? We have quite the variety.”

“No. Just. Coffee.”

“Are you sure? They’re quite delicious.”

“For crying out loud, no. I don’t want any goddamn pastries.”Jaebum yelled and regretted it soon after when his head throbbed harder, headache getting worse.

“Okay then Mr. Grumpy pants."

“What did you-“ Jaebum started but then someone interrupted their whole exchange.

“Yugyeom! Why are you on the counter, go to the back! And where the hell is Bam?” The boy pushed this ‘Yugyeom’ away and bowed down to him. “So sorry about that, your drink will be on the house for your inconvenience.” Jaebum wanted to say its fine, but the boy hurried up and made his drink before he could get anything out.

“Sorry again. Here’s your coffee. Black, no sugar.” Jaebum takes his coffee but continued to stare at the boy behind the counter. He’s not wearing the uniform like the rest of them, and he don’t have any name tag.

“What’s your name?” He blurted, never the one to be shy to talk to anyone. And he finds the boy in front of him is very cute.

“My name? Choi Youngjae.” The boy blink, getting flustered.

“Im Jaebum. See you around, Youngjae-shi.”  He smiled and it turned to a smirk when the boy blushed pink.

***

“I can’t believe you can flirt in the condition you’re in. You know you look like a homeless person right now right?” Jinyoung said as soon as Jaebum entered the car.

“How do you know I was flirting? And can you turn that damn radio off, my head’s about to burst.” Jaebum frowned, pointing at the radio.

“My car, my rules. Radio stays. Anyway, as I was saying. Why else would the boy be blushing like that if you weren’t flirting with him? Another one fell prey to the great Im Jaebum?” Jinyoung asked teasingly.

“You can see him blush from all the way here huh? Isn’t he the cutest? Turned all pink and all I asked for was his name.” Jaebum smiled at his friend, and the boy snorted.

“He doesn’t look like the one night stand type though. And speaking of type, he doesn’t look like your type either.”

“I don’t have a type. And don’t you worry, I’m in no hurry to get in his pants, he can be my eye candy for a while more. But of course, it always ends up in the same place.” Jaebum smirks into his cup of coffee, thinking about the boy.

“Sometimes I wonder where your brain really is, in your head or do you think with your dick?” Jinyoung scoffed.

“Come on, I’ve heard you with better insults than that.”


	3. Help

“Why are you still with him?” Mark asked the crying boy in front of him. Instead of an answer, the boy just cried harder, hands wrapped around his knees, face hiding in the crook of his arms.

“Youngjae, you know he’s not going to change. It has been months, I hate seeing you hurting yourself like this.” He reached out to rub the boy’s arm.

“You don’t understand- He- He is everything to me…” Youngjae whimpered.

“HE is HURTING you, and he’s not even hiding it!” Mark said, getting angry at the boy’s typical response when it came to Jaebum. 

“I love-” Youngjae started. 

“You loved him. Loved, in the past. You fell in love with a different man Youngjae, that man wouldn’t have hurt you. I don’t know what happened, but he’s not the same man anymore.” Mark cut him off.

“I know! That’s why I can’t leave him, I want to help him.” Youngjae said, wiping his tears off. “You don’t know him the way I do, he’s sad too. I can see it in his eyes, he is miserable and I need to be there to help him. He needs me.” 

“Like the way you need him? Where is he, oh right, sleeping around, whoring himself out.” Mark spat.

“Don’t-” Youngjae glared at the man, his best friend.

“He would’ve had received your help if he needed it, how long do you think this will continue before you get too broken? Why are you torturing yourself like this?!” Mark glared at him back. “You need to love yourself more, well someone needs to because Jaebum obviously doesn’t anymore.”


	4. Cafe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, just a reminder... The chapters alternates between the present and the past! And god help me I suck at choosing titles, even for my stories let alone chapters :B And ofc, comments are always welcomed with open hands :3 AND THANKS FOR THE KUDOS

“Remind me why we are up at 8 am again?” Jackson groaned as they made their way into the café that Jaebum had been wanting to go to. 

“Because, you lost a bet and you’re my slave for the rest of the day, so you have to follow what I say. ALL that I say, now stop whining.” Jaebum shushed the overgrown baby next to him.

“Okay, rude. I prefer the term servant, or maid even but slave is pushing it.”

“Am I paying you? No. So you’re my slave.” Jaebum sassed. 

“Well a slave has no money, you’re buying me my food for today.” Jackson batted his eyes at his friend, with a mischievous smile on his lips. 

“Fine, whatever.” Jaebum rolled his eyes. 

They sat on a table overlooking the counter, and Jackson immediately buried his head in the menu, reading the list of food out loudly, trying to find the priciest one. Jaebum on the other hand, was looking around, trying to find the boy, Youngjae again. He made sure to come on the same exact day and around the same time as last week, just to make sure he will run into the boy again. 

“I’m calling the waiter, I’m starving.” Jackson said, after almost ten minutes of waiting.

“Yeah, okay.” Jaebum agreed, so Jackson pressed the buzzer that’s attached on the table, and soon a tall boy made his way to their table, ready to take their order.

“Oh its Mr Grumpy pants again.” The coconut tree of a waiter commented and it took Jaebum exactly half a second to recognize the boy.

“Yugyeom-SHI. I don’t think that’s how you should treat your customers.” 

“Woah, relax there. I don’t know where you met each other, but he’s right, you are a grumpy pants. So I have to side with him on this one.”Jaebum glared at Jackson, but he just shrugged and went to ordering his meal. “I’ll have the priciest breakfast set you have please, thank you.” 

“Priciest?”Jaebum asked, burning holes on Jackson’s body with his stare.

“On the way, sir. How about you?”Yugyeom jotted down Jackson’s order and faked an innocent smile at Jaebum.

“Americano. That’d be all.” Jaebum shoved the menu to the boy. 

“He’s cute.” Jackson commented, watching Yugyeom’s back as he went back to the kitchen with their orders. Jaebum just rolled his eyes again before turning around, looking for Youngjae again.  
“Your type is anyone with reproductive organs.”

“You’re disgusting and that is also your type, so you’re being hypocritical.” Jackson replied, but Jaebum decided to ignore him, in favour of looking for Youngjae. “Are you looking for Youngjae?”Jackson asked nonchalantly, which made Jaebum turn around so fast, he could’ve snapped his neck.

“You know him?!” He asked, a little too loud.

“Nah, but Jinyoungie told me so much about him. And how you’re acting like a perverted old uncle about it.” Jackson showed his tongue, much to Jaebum’s annoyance.

“So much? You mean just his name.” 

“Yeah but that’s pretty much as far as your knowledge about him goes too.” Jackson replied cockily. 

Whatever sassy reply Jaebum had wanted to say was cut off when Yugyeom returned to their table with their drinks, and Jackson’s toast in his other hand. Jackson was just looking up at the waiter, admiring his toned body that the white button up he is wearing did no help in hiding. Jaebum wanted to gag at the sight and almost did when he noticed Yugyeom smiling flirtatiously at Jackson.

“Thanks, Yugyeom-shi.” Jackson muttered after Yugyeom was done laying down his plate of toast.

“Just doing my job…” Yugyeom replied, the end of his sentence said in a higher tone, like a question.

“Jackson, call me Jackson.” Jackson replied, flirting right back and only when Jaebum coughed did he remember they were not alone. “And, um… do you know any worker called Youngjae, by any chance?”

“Youngjae? There’s no one working here with that name.” Yugyeom replied, and only then did the thought crossed Jaebum’s mind that the boy could’ve actually been lying to him, which would’ve been completely normal, seeing that a complete stranger had asked for it. His heart just sank. “Unless you meant Mrs. Choi’s son.”

“Mrs Choi?” Jaebum asked immediately. 

“Yeah, the owner of this café. Her kids comes here sometimes, her youngest is Youngjae.” Suddenly a burst of hope exploded in him again. “Speak of the devil.”

The door opened right then, and the said boy walked in, with a million watt smile on his face, and Jaebum felt his heart skipped a little. 

“Yugyeom!” Someone from the kitchen called him, so he ran back, but not before flashing a smile at Jackson however. 

“Doesn’t look like your type, Jinyoung was right.” Jackson hummed, drinking his hot chocolate, eyes focused on Youngjae.

“I don’t have a type.” Jaebum repeated what he had said to Jinyoung, with a sigh. 

“Sure you don’t, tell that to the past ten athletes you were in bed with.” Jackson replied sarcastically.

“That just happened.” 

“Anyway, now that the treasure is here, what you gonna do, captain?” Jackson chuckled.

“I… haven’t thought that far yet.” Jaebum deadpanned.


	5. Tears

He was exhausted, tired of Jaebum’s antics, tired of pretending everything is fine and tired of trying to carry the burden of their relationship on his shoulders. Maybe Mark is right, it’s time to leave and forget about the other man but here he find himself again, on the doorstep of their home, or what was left of it. Now it’s just a roof over their head, and a place to sleep at nights in. He stood there, what he felt like hours, before finally stepping in, feet a little wobbly thanks to the alcohol he consumed earlier. It was just a can or two, but Youngjae never really had a high tolerance level, in fact he didn’t even like drinking that much. He preferred the sweet taste of latte macchiato. 

Thanks to the little alcohol infused haze he is under, he tripped on one of his shoes, and stumbled not so gracefully into their living room. He just lied down still for a few seconds, head throbbing a little too painful and the part of his leg that hit the floor first was against him moving even an inch of his body. He closed his eyes, quite content on just falling asleep right there, not that Jaebum would notice he thought bitterly. But then he heard a door creaking open and a shuffle of footsteps coming towards him.

“Youngjae?!” Jaebum shouted, before falling to his knees next to him and cradling his face in his hands. 

“M’ fine.” Youngjae mumbled, trying to push the older man away, but he was feeling a little weak.

“Are you drunk?” Jaebum asked, looking down at his lover’s face, the pink flush that adorns the boy’s cheeks.

“Why do you care?” Youngjae spat, but his body was relaxed now. Each bone in his body felt like a tonne, and his head is getting heavier too - though if he’s really honest, he just missed Jaebum’s presence - so he didn’t try to push the other man away this time.

“You don’t drink.” Jaebum muttered, moving aside the strands of hair from Youngjae’s forehead without realizing what he was doing. The second he did, his hand froze in the air, breath caught in his chest but when Youngjae seemed to snuggle closer to him, he relaxed his body too.

“People change.” Youngjae snapped his eyes open then, looking up at Jaebum, His stare daring the older man to say something but instead the man just sat down cross legged, and placed Youngjae’s head on his lap. Jaebum decided if the younger one wanted to, he could just move away, but was personally a little glad he didn’t. Youngjae just closed his eyes again, snuggling even closer to Jaebum’s body. “You’d know that.” 

Jaebum tried to push his luck, and run his hand through Youngjae’s hair; again, when the boy didn’t move away, he continued to do so. The night was quite, and despite everything they were both feeling comfortable, the first time in quite a while. Jaebum looked down at the younger man’s face, and his heart clenched at how his eye bags are getting worse. His heart is telling him to scoop the boy up in his arms and just begged for his forgiveness, but his mind is stopping him. No, he tell himself. This would be better for them in the long run, for the both of them. Slowly, he moved his hand towards Youngjae’s cheek - sadness clenching his heart again when he can feel how sharp his cheekbones are now, how sunk in his cheeks are - and swiped his thumb right under the mole under his eye. 

Youngjae squeezed his eyes when he felt Jaebum’s hand running through his hair. Memories of them just lazying around in bed, cuddling crosses his mind and Youngjae is so very tired. He has been spending time removing those memories from his mind, so for tonight he will entertain them. With Jaebum so near, it’s easy to fall back into those moments where it was just them, being happy. Lying in bed, the bed that Youngjae haven’t slept on, in months. Ever since that day he barged in into Jaebum laying on it with another man. Ah, this is why he had been blocking these memories away from his mind, because it will always come back to that point, reminding him again and again that Jaebum cheated on him. He felt Jaebum swiping his thumb on his cheeks, and with that image burning at the back of his eyelids, he teared up and so he snapped open his eyes. 

“Don’t cry.” Jaebum whispered, wiping the tears away from Youngjae’s cheek. 

“Hyung…” Youngjae muttered, voice breaking as he reached up to grab Jaebum’s hand, stopping him from wiping his tears. 

“Hmm?” Jaebum hummed, holding the boy’s hand closer. For the last time perhaps? He thought to himself, and with that he gripped Youngjae’s hand harder.

“Stop.” More tears streamed down the younger man’s face as he tried to push Jaebum’s hand away. This is what you wanted, Jaebum told himself. He wanted Youngjae to push him away, or at least he thought he was, because his grip just tightened on Youngjae’s hand.

“Wait…” Tears brimmed his own eyes, pulling Youngjae closer to him. 

“STOP!” Youngjae screamed, and pushed Jaebum away as strongly as he could, causing him to fall back. He tried to stand up but Jaebum scrambled to his knees, pulling the younger man back down, falling down on Jaebum’s lap. “Please, don’t be nice to me now. Where were you all this while? I don’t need your pity.” Youngjae cried, hitting Jaebum again and again on his chest. 

“Wait.” Was all that Jabum said as he held Youngjae in his arms, despite the protest from the other man. 

The night was quiet, and dark. Except for the light shining out from their room, barely illuminating the rest of their apartment. All that can be heard was Youngjae’s cries, and the sound of fabrics rustling as Youngjae still trying to get out of Jaebum’s grip. Youngjae didn’t know what to think, or what to feel anymore. It was all too overbearing and he just wanted to be alone, and he was so confused as to why Jaebum is tearing up as well, it was him that cheated. He started this, he was the one that stopped loving him. Then there’s Jaebum that thought this is what he had wanted, but now that Youngjae is asking him to stop, he can’t. He can’t let go, he don’t want to. He’s scared he’ll lose him.

“Why… Why are y- you crying?” Youngjae whimpered, going lax after minutes of just crying and fighting. “I thought you wanted this Jae.” 

“I- I don’t know.” Jaebum replied, his mind going blank. 

“Jaebum, what do you want from me?” Youngjae asked, looking at he man’s face. “I’m too tired Jae, just tell me what you want and let’s be done with this.” He cries again.

“Shh.” Jaebum wiped Youngjae’s tears away, cradling the boy’s face in his hands. 

“What. Do. You. Want.” Youngjae repeated, bolder this time. “I’d do anything for you, just tell me what do you want me to do.” Jaebum froze as he hear that line leaving the younger boy’s mouth.

“Please.” Youngjae begged, as he wrapped his arms around the older man. “I’d do anything to make you happy again.” He repeated. 

That made Jaebum remember why he did all this in the first place. And with that, he let go of Youngjae, and pushed the boy away. He stood up and walked away, tears falling down his face as he hear Youngjae starting to cry again, his wails louder and sobs ripping out from his lungs. He entered the room that was once theirs and fell back against the door, his own cries getting louder, as he uses his hands to cover his ears, trying to block how broken Youngjae sounds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay guys, I guess this is somewhat a cliffhanger?? Jaebum has his reasons guys, I swear he's not just a pure asshole. I'd probably reveal it a couple of chapters from now, hmm C: I am scared though that it's a little too early to post this chapter but since the whole timeline is mixed up as it is anyway, I don't think it'd matter that much? Plus I want to update this as fast as I could. I'd probably arrange the story according to the correct timeline once it's all done. Would you guys want that? Please let me know~


	6. Jinhae

“Wanna come over to my place for Christmas?” JInyoung asked out of nowhere, in the middle of their video game.

“What? In Jinhae?” Jaebum asked back, cursing when his character in the game lost to Jinyoung’s.

“Yeah, it’s not like you’re gonna do anything much here.” His friend shrugged, standing up to clear the empty box of pizza laying in front of them.

”You can just tell me you don’t trust leaving your apartment with me.” The older one joked, but stopped when Jinyoung knocked his head with the empty box.

“You know that’s not what I meant, you idiot. And you can stay here all alone and miserable if you want.” He huffed. “I just thought it’d be nice, and I’ve wanted you to meet my family anyway. Plus, I can show you around my home turf.” 

Jaebum kept quiet for a while, and Jinyoung started to worry whether he had crossed some sort of line. Even though they’ve been friends for almost two years now, the older boy is still apprehensive about a few things. . He stood there a bit awkwardly, waiting for some sort of reply, but decided to not push Jaebum if he don’t want to.

“You don’t have to-” He started, but Jaebum turned to look at him with a small smile.

“No, yeah. I’ll come. I’d love to meet your family.” Jinyoung smiled back at him.

“It’ll be fun.” 

***

 

“Thanks Jinyoung-ah, for inviting me.” Jaebum muttered sleepily, as their train back to college started to move.

“You know you don’t have to thank me, if I was honest I just wanted an excuse to escape babysitting duty.” He replied, closing his eyes, ready for slumber.

“Your cousins are only five years younger than you.” Jaebum snorted. “And here I was, thinking that Park Jinyoung actually wanted my company for Christmas.”

“Exactly, babysitting. And no, I just used you.” He smiled and It broke into a giggle when he felt the boy beside him bumped his shoulder.

“Sure, you huge ball of sap.” Jaebum yawned.

“Said the boy who almost shed a tear, thanking me.” 

Then it was quiet again, except for the hum of the train moving and the slight chatter of a family several seats behind them. Jinyoung opened his eyes, and looked out the window as the train made it’s way back to Seoul and like always, Jinyoung’s heart clenches a little as more and more part of Jinhae is getting left behind. It’ll probably be just a couple of months from now before he’ll be back, which is not that long of a time at all, but he can’t help it. Leaving home, no matter how brief always feels a little sad. 

“You miss them already?” He heard Jaebum asks, snapping him out of his reverie. 

“No, not really. I’ll be back in a couple of months anyway.” Jinyoung replied, turning back to look at his friend. “I hope you had fun. It’s not like Seoul, but… It’s homey.”  
“Of course it's homey, it’s your home.” Jaebum rolled his eyes at the explanation which made Jinyoung chuckle a little.

“Yeah, I suppose so.” He then turned to look outside again, the earlier wave of lethargy disappeared, as Jaebum closed his eyes and tossed around to get in a more comfortable situation. “Don’t you miss your home, Jaebum?” Maybe it’s the late night, or just his tired body, he blurted out what he was thinking about and regretted it immediately. “I mean- Sorry, you don’t have to answer it, I was just… curious.” 

“Seoul is my home.” Jaebum replied. His eyes was still closed, and if it’s not for his mouth opening and closing, he’d pass for actually being asleep. “Wherever I go, that’s my home. So for now, the ratty old dorm is my home. Or your apartment actually. Jackson and I spends all our time there anyway.” He chuckled lightly.

“Oh.” Was all that Jinyoung could say. He wanted to know more, but decided that he had pushed his luck far enough for one night


	7. Mokpo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hadn't mention it but I'm sure it's pretty obvious due to the amount of errors ~uwu~ but the fic is unbeta'd. I do still go through it and fix it here and there, but i hope the grammar error won't be too much of a distraction, but if it is I TRULY APOLOGISE!

Youngjae left the first thing next morning. He couldn’t even sleep, he just packed all of his belongings, and left the house when the sun is barely even shining. He waited for an hour at the bus stop, until the first bus came and he followed where his foot lead him, blindly. He ended up in front of Mark’s neighbourhood, and made his way to the community park, and sat down on one of the benches, trying to plan out his course of action from this point on, but all his mind could think of was the night before. 

He knew he shouldn’t had, but when Jaebum wiped his tears, his touch felt so familiar. Like the past that they shared wasn’t months ago but in fact hadn’t been in the past at all. The smell of the man’s cologne was exactly how he smelled like couple of years back when they first met, and the look in his eyes was something more than emptiness, something that reminded Youngjae of the love that once filled it. And Youngjae swayed, when he know he shouldn’t. And now he’s paying the price.

“Youngjae?!” He turned to look at the source of the voice, and lied to himself that he wasn’t slightly disappointed that it was Jackson, not Jaebum. “Youngjae? God, it is you. What are you doing here so damn early?” 

“I uh- Came to see Mark hyung.” He replied, and started to get nervous because he hadn’t talked to the man for a few months now.

“Is that a bag? Youngjae, what happened?!” Jackson shouted, pointing at the bag and taking a sit next to him. 

“You shouldn’t worry about it hyung.” He replied, keeping his head down. For some reason, he felt the need to lie, because Jackson is Jaebum’s friend and he knows he’s not in the wrong, and Jackson had never been anything but kind and supportive of him but he can’t help the guilt, or the embarrassment that is weighing his shoulder. 

“Did that bastard ask you to leave?” Jackson asked, his voice low with anger. Youngjae widened his eyes and looked up and was genuinely shocked to see the anger on the man’s face. “Youngjae, tell me. Did Jaebum asked you to leave, because I will march there right now and punch him in the damn-”

“Hyung, no! I mean- He didn’t ask anything, I left on my own.” Right away, the anger dissolved from Jackson’s face and was replaced with a look of worry, tinted with sadness. 

“Should I even ask what happened?” He asked, wrapping an arm around Youngjae. The younger boy suddenly felt like crying all over again because the memories of last night is running through his head and Jackson is looking at him with so much worry. 

“He- He don’t love me anymore hyung.” The younger one whispered, and started to cry when Jackson wrapped his arms around him tighter.

“Shh, don’t cry… It’ll be okay.” 

***

“I know you’ve known him for years now, but don’t you dare defend that asshole in front of me ever again, especially not after this.” Mark whispered to Jackson, both of them looking at the sleeping boy, careful not to wake him up. 

“Look, I’m sorry we’ve been fighting but he’s my friend, you can’t just expect me to-” Jackson replied, but Mark dragged him out to the living room.

“He might be your friend but he is hurting Youngjae. You have to be fucking blind to not see that.”

“I care about Youngjae too!” Jackson snapped back.

“Then how are you still defending him?!” Mark finally lost it and yelled. He is frustrated that Youngjae can’t get rid of the man that’s blatantly hurting him and here Jackson is still defending that asshole. How is he the only one thinking with sense?

“I- I’m not okay. I know he fucked up.” Jackson replied defeatedly. “How about Youngjae? You’ll let him go back to Mokpo tomorrow?” 

“It’s not like I can force him to stay. And I think it’ll be better for him anyway.”

***

"Feeling better now, Youngjae-ah?" 

"Way better, hyung. The sleep helped a lot." 

“You know you can stay here with me right? It wouldn’t be a burden or anything.” Mark said, over their bowl of cereal.

“Mokpo is my home hyung, plus I’ve missed my family, ever since they hired a manager for the cafe here, they've rarely came to Seoul. It'll be nice to see them.” The younger one replied with a smile. “But thanks for offering.” 

“You’re always welcomed here.” Mark replied, taking a sip of his coffee, feeling better at the sight of the younger boy smiling.

“Jackson hyung too, apparently?” And Youngjae straight out laughed when Mark choked on his coffee upon hearing what he said. “I knew he had always been into you hyung, I just didn’t know you were interested.” 

“Umm.. I- I was umm… It was. We were just-” Mark started stuttering with a slight shade of pink adorning his cheeks and Youngjae laughed his million watt laugh again.   
“Come on, hyung… Just tell me how long.” 

“It’s been… a year?” Mark whispered, kinda hoping Youngjae wouldn’t hear him but from the way he almost dropped his cup of tea, he was sure the younger boy heard him perfectly fine. 

“A YEAR? AND YOU’RE ONLY TELLING ME NOW?!” The younger boy shouted, before he started laughing again. “Hyung, I’m actually offended. I thought I’m your best friend. How come I’ve only heard of this now?”

“Well, you’re still the first to know.” Mark said sheepishly. 

“Oh wow, thanks hyung.” Youngjae mockingly rolled his eyes, but before he could even finish, his eyes crinkled to the lines that it always does whenever he smiles. “Where is he anyway?” 

“Jackson? He went back last night.”

“Since you said I’m the first to know… Does that mean Jinyoung hyung had no clue? Even umm.. Jaebum hyung?” He asked. 

“Let’s not talk about them.” Mark just smiled tightly, before pouring himself another cup of coffee.

“Hyung, Jinyoung hyung did nothing wrong.” The younger one said seriously, hand reaching out to Mark.

“I should be consoling you now, Youngjae. Not the other way around.” 

“You were close with him too, and now because of me, you don’t even meet him anymore.” The younger one pouted. Mark just lightly flicked his forehead.

“It’s not your fault Youngjae. None of these is.”

“But I still-” The younger one started but was cut off. 

“You’re too kind for you own good, Youngjae. I haven’t talked to Jinyoung because I have nothing to talk about, okay? We’ve both been busy and don’t worry, thanks to Jackson, I know that Jinyoung is doing fine. I’m sure he knows I’m doing fine too.”

“He calls me all the time, to see how I’m doing.” Youngjae said, after a while.

“He… I’m sure he cares about you." Mark replied. “We all care about you Youngjae. I’m not even going to try and hide the fact that I don’t like Jaebum, everyone is saying that this is not like him but I don’t know him the way you guys do. I don’t plan on defending him. You are my priority, I may not know him but I know you, and you’ve always been too kind for your own good. I’m worried that one day even I won’t be able to notice when you’re hurting just because you’ve gotten so used to hiding it. I know I’m harsh, and yes, maybe you’re right. I don’t know your relationship, I sure as hell don’t understand it but I do know you. And I understand you. That’s how I know that I have to be harsh, cause you’re probably one of the most stubborn person I’ve met.” Mark finished with a lighter note, ruffling the hair of the younger boy’s. 

“Thanks hyung. For everything.” Youngjae replied, a little choked up as he stood up and went to give the older one a hug. “I’ll miss you.”  
“You’re talking like you’ll be leaving me for good, you brat.” 

“Well, I don’t really know when I’ll be back. Perks of having you as my boss I guess.” Youngjae pulled away, smiling a bittersweet smile.

“Don’t even worry about that, just come back when you want to.” Mark squeezed his hand in reassurance. 

“Maybe I’ll be staying there for quite a while, hyung. Since they just opened another branch of the cafe there.” Youngjae replied.

“I’ll miss you too, Youngjae.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This started off as a drabble, WHY AM I PUTTING IN SO MUCH PLOT FOR MARK?! I got sidetracked, guys >


	8. Childhood

“Why must I go?” The young boy whined at the nun that had started to pack all of his his things into a suitcase.

“Jaebum-ah, this people will be your family now.” She replied, not sparing him a look, as she continued on packing.

“But I don’t want to move, I wanna stay here. All of my friends are here.” He continued to whine, tugging at her sleeve. Only then, she stopped and turned around to close his mouth.

“Shh! Do you know how many kids that want to be in your position? You’ll have a family now, a home.”

“But this is my home, everyone here is my family, I don’t need a new one.” He pouted and shoved her away.

“I know you’ll miss your friends here, but you’ll realise how lucky you are when you’re older. You are going, whether you like it or not, so behave yourself, boy!” She replied sternly.

“I hate you!!!” The young boy shouted, and ran out from the room.

“This is what’s best for you Jaebum-ah.” The nun sighed and continued to pack the boy’s things.

 

***

 

“Can I have one more glass please?” The young boy begged, putting on the brightest smile he could manage.

“No, Youngjae. You know what your mum says about too much sugar.” The older lady replied, taking the empty mug from the young boy and putting in the sink.

“But aunty, it's soooo nice!!!” He tugged her skirt, and the lady can’t help but laugh at his antics.

“Youngjae, you know I’ll only give you one. Go on, go play outside. I need to make dinner.”

“Aunty please!!! My mum is not here.” He whispered the last part, now rubbing his hands together in an attempt to persuade his maid to give him another mug of the chocolate drink.

“Choi Youngjae.” The voice made the young boy stiffened immediately, and turned around to smile sheepishly.

“Mum, you’re home! I missed you.” He then run to hug her, hoping that she didn’t hear his whole attempt of getting another glass of chocolate earlier.

“What was that I just heard about me not being home so it’s fine to sneak one more glass?” Hmm?” She asked, looking down at him with a raised eyebrow.

“Umm… nothing! Mum, do you wanna see my new drawing? I drew you, and dad, and even aunty is in it!” He replied, and ran out of the kitchen, trying to distract his mum.

“I hope he didn’t trouble you too much. AIsh, that brat.” His mum shook her head, smiling.

“He could never, Miss. And you should go and rest, you’ve been at the cafe the whole day.” The lady replied.

“Aish you too, stop calling me Miss, you're family too. Just call my name.”

 

***

 

“What do you mean you’re moving away?” The young boy asked his best friend, heart starting to thump faster at the thought of his only friend leaving him.

“We’re moving to the US, because of my dad’s work.” His friend replied, eyes still red because he had spent the whole of last night crying when his parents told him that they’re moving.

“Does that mean we won’t see each other again, Mark?” The boy started tearing up, and at the sight of that, Mark started to cry again too.

“No! My mum said we can still send letters, and we can call each other! Right mummy?” He turned to his mum and she went near them with a soft smile.

“Of course honey, and we might come back for the summer. You don’t have to stop being friends just because we’re moving.” She comforted them but Jinyoung only heard the line that Mark is leaving him.

“You lied! You said we’ll go to the same school! We’ll stay friends all the way until we’re old!” He pushed Mark and ran up to his room.

“Park Jinyoung! Come down here this instant!” His father yelled after him but was ignored by the boy. Mark wanted to chase after him, but his mum stopped him.

“We’re so sorry about that Mrs Tuan. Jinyoung is just-” His mum started but Mark’s mum smiled at the reassuringly.

“Don’t worry about it, it must be hard. They’ve been so close after all. There’s still a few weeks before we’re leaving, I’m sure the boys will patch things up by then.”

“We’ll make sure to come and visit before you leave.” Jinyoung’s father replied.

 

***

 

The night was still young, in retrospect to how he would usually stay out until the wee hours of morning. The guy he socked in the face was complaining to the police officer seated in front of them about how Jaebum just attacked him, an innocent bystander out of nowhere. Jaebum himself had tuned out the man, looking down at his bruised knuckles instead, and thinking about how he would be in such a deeper scolding once they call his guardian. The drunken man was actually the one who started this fist fight this time, but he has been in this situation one too many times for them to take his words. He sighed deeply at the thought of getting scolded, or worse, beaten up.

 

***

 

The morning was still early, in retrospect to how he would usually sleep until the late hours of noon, since it is the school break. He had wanted to go to Seoul, so he volunteered a hand at the new cafe his mum had just opened there. He woke up early that day, and made his way to the train station, promising his mum again and again that he would call the second he reached there. Now that the new branch opened, his mum stays in Seoul with his sister so he is excited to see them again. The ray of sunshine hits him, warming him up as he inhales the air of Seoul. He closed his eyes, without realising he’s standing dead center in front of the busy subway station. Not even a second later, someone bumped him from the back and the man cursed in English.

“Oh, I’m sorry! Are you okay?” Youngjae immediately turned around, to make sure the man is okay. He was mumbling few words in English, but he smiled back.

“No it’s okay, it’s my fault for not looking at where I’m going.” The man replied, before running off to the direction he was heading in a hurry. Youngjae just shrugged, before taking out his phone to call his mum.

 

***

 

The week was still early, in retrospect to how he would usually stay in Jinhae as long as he could, but he needed to get his things sorted out before his final year of high school starts. The perks of going to a high school in Seoul, is of course, the freedom of being away from your parents, the ability to do what you want but that is also the downfall. The need, and the responsibility to sort out most of the things by himself without much help from his family. He have his friends of course, and he have quite a lot of them. His parents are glad, that as he grew older, Jinyoung became more and more open with kids his age, and started to bring back home more and more friends. And Jinyoung, soon forgot what it was like to be the 6 year old that he was, having only one friend.

 

***

 

“You ungrateful bastard! We pitied you so we fed you and clothe you, but all you bring is trouble!” The man screamed at his face, his saliva landing on Jaebum’s face.

“No one asked you to bring me in, old man.” He replied, rolling his eyes.

“That’s it, I’m sick of this. We opened our home to you and this is how you return your gratitude?!” The man pulled him by his collar, which made Jaebum push him back.

“Don’t act like you adopted me because you care, you just want extra money from the government. So stop acting high and mighty, cause you didn’t spend a single cent on me, you old shit. I don’t even eat or sleep here.” “How dare you!” The man was livid and red, before throwing a slap on Jaebum’s face.

“You’re returning to that goddamn orphanage of yours first thing tomorrow, you hear me?!” Jaebum winced in pain, when he touched his cheek.

The man’s wife didn’t move an inch, watching the whole thing go down from the kitchen. She herself, was covered with bruises inflicted by the old man. She was shaking a little, hands clutching the arms of her sleeve as she crossed her arms in a poor attempt of guarding herself. Jaebum looked at her and became more annoyed at how weak she is, so he just stormed off to his room, where the man stored all his junk at as well. Not long after, someone knocked on his door, before it opened, and the man’s wife walked in, holding some ointment in her hands. She quietly closed the door, before walking on tiptoes to sit next to him. Without saying anything, she just tilted his head to the side, before putting on some ointment for him.

“I’m fine.” Jaebum said, looking down.

“It’s painful, I know.” She replied meekly, continuing to dab the ointment.

“There’s new bruises on your face, what happened this time?” He asked, turning to look at her. “I-It's nothing.” She shook her head, and repeated the words a couple of times. Who was she trying to convince, Jaebum was not so sure anymore.

“You need to leave him, I’ve been here for almost a year now and he’s just getting worse.”

“No, he’s my husband I can’t leave him.” She shook her head.

“A husband wouldn’t punch his wife on the face.” He snapped, and regretted it when the woman flinched at his tone.

“No Jaebum-ah. I deserved it, I was the one-“ She started to mumble, but Jaebum just turned to look at her and gripped her shoulders, shaking her a little.

“Listen to yourself! You need to seek help, I don’t know what kind of PTSD shit you’re going through but I’m not gonna stay here and watch it. Tomorrow, I’m leaving. For good. And you’re gonna need to do that too!” He yelled, and just shook her harder when she started crying.

 

***

 

“Uncle Youngjae!!!” His nephew screamed, the second he walked in the café, and he ran straight to the little boy that was sitting on one of the table with his sister.

“Youngjae, come give your noona a hug too, you brat.” His sister said, when Youngjae ran straight to hug his nephew, and refusing to let go.

“Where’s mum?” he asked, the second he let go.

“Yah! Your sister is right here!” She flicked his forehead, but he just laughed. She just shook her head, and pointed to the kitchen.

“She’s at the back.”

“Oh, and where’s your husband? At work?” He asked, as his nephew begged him for a piggy back ride.

“Mmm.” His sister replied, pulling her son away, scolding him for not eating his food.

Youngjae then excused himself, and made his way to the back, wanting to give his mum a scare. So he hid next to the door, planting himself flat against the wall and peeping in every two seconds to locate his mum.

“Uh, sir?” A voice asked and he shrieked in surprise, turning around.

“It’s you again!” They both said in unison, both equally shocked.

“Again? Youngjae, have you met Mark before?” At his mum’s voice, he turned around to see her walking towards them, and Mark bowing down to her.

“Aish, Mark, you don’t have to do that every time you see me.” She laughed and the said boy, Mark, blushed in embarrassment.

“We bumped on each other at the subway station just now. Well, he bumped on me technically.” Youngjae shrugged, but the boy just turned to look at him, frowning.

“You were the one standing in the middle of the way.” He said, before realising he had just snapped at his employer’s son.

“I was not! You should’ve looked at where you were going!” Youngjae defended himself in an informal way, before crying out in pain when his mum pulled at his ears. “Mum! What was that for?!” He whined, rubbing his ears.

“I didn’t raise you to be rude, Youngjae. Apologise to Mark, he’s older than you.”

“No, it’s okay Mrs-“ Mark started to mumble, face getting redder as the other workers turned to watch was the commotion all about.

“No, Mark. Youngjae here needs to learn his lesson.”

“Uh- Sorry.” Youngjae said, when his mum threatened to pinch him again.

“Sorry, who?” She tapped her foot, looking at him.

“Sorry, Mark. I guess.” He shrugged but his mum just frowned deeper.

“Fine! Sorry, Mark hyung.” He said exasperatedly, and only then did his mum smiled. “Okay then Mark, go on with your work then.” She smiled, and pulled Youngjae with her, to join his sister and nephew. Mark just stared at them, blinking his eyes repeatedly, hearing the boy’s whines getting louder when his employer just laughed at her son’s whining.


	9. Mark

“What are you doing here?” Mark asks the man in front of him, not entirely pleased to have an unexpected visit at work.

“Jackson told me what happened.” Jinyoung replied.

“Jackson? Ah, of course. I’m sure your best friend haven’t even realised that Youngjae had left.” Mark replied, getting angry again, at the thought of Youngjae. Jinyoung opened his mouth, to reply but Mark cut him off to it. “That still doesn’t explain why you’re here.”

“He knows Youngjae left. And despite of what you think of him-“

“If you’re gonna defend him, just do me a favour and leave. I’ve had enough of this conversation with you, and with Jackson.”

“I’m not defending him.”

“So okay then, let me repeat my question again. What are you doing here?”

“Look, you don’t know Jaebum the way I do. I know he did wrong, I’m not going to ask you to forgive him but-“ He stated to say but was cut off by Mark again.

“So you’re going to ask Youngjae to forgive him? After all he did?” Mark got up, loosening his tie, trying to calm himself down.

“No, I would never do-“

“Then what is it?” Mark demanded.

“Well let me finish my goddamn sentence, Mark! For fuck sake!” Jinyoung yelled back. He waited for Mark to say something, but when he kept quiet,  Jinyoung continued. “I know it’s the last thing you’d wanna hear but I swear to God, this is just Jaebum being an idiot.”

“Tell me something I don’t know.” Mark rolled his eyes, taking his seat across of Jinyoung again.

“Jaebum, he- He had a rough past okay, and I’m not talking about some angsty teenage story, it’s not just growing pains, but he grew up in some _fucked up_ situation.”

“So it’s justified then, him being a complete ass to Youngjae?”

“No. That’s why I said he’s being an idiot. I’m trying to talk to him, to make him come to his senses but he’s never been an open book. And he probably has the thickest skull out of anyone I’ve ever met.”

“And?” Mark asked, still not understanding how any of this should concern him.

“I need you to talk him.” Jinyoung said, calmly and Mark took it the exact opposite way.

“Are you fucking kidding me?!” Mark looked at his friend, bewildered. “No way in hell I’m letting him anywhere near Youngjae, let alone convince them to get back together.”

“It’s not what you think it is!” Jinyoung yelled back, slamming his fist onto the table. “We all care about Youngjae, and you think Youngjae is happy now, without Jaebum? You saw how miserable he is.”

“ _Exactly_ Jinyoung, I saw how miserable he was. Me! Not you, not Jackson, definitely not him! He was the cause of it. Now that I finally got Youngjae out of the fire, you must be out of your damn mind if you think I’ll throw him into it again. Jaebum could’ve had the worst childhood in the history of mankind, and I’d still not give a shit. Youngjae loved him, even after all that, he stayed and tried to reach out for him. Tried to help him,because that’s just how Youngjae is. So for him to finally leave Jaebum, he is over it.”

“Mark, please, just listen to me first. Do it for me at least.” Jinyoung begged but Mark continued.

“I don’t know how strong of a friendship you have with Jaebum, but Youngjae will always be my priority, not you. Just like how much you want to help Jaebum, I want to do that for Youngjae. And Youngjae will be far better without that spineless coward. So if you’re done, get out.” Mark snapped, and returned to his work, ignoring the man in front of him. Jinyoung took a deep breath and clenched his fists, trying to calm himself down. He admits that he had no clue as to how this meeting would’ve turned out, but it was definitely not this.

“I may seem like a cruel person to you or selfish for wanting to help Jaebum, but Youngjae is on top of my priority too. You’re not the only one that is worrying about him. I just happen to know both sides of the story, while you’re too damn stubborn to even listen for a sec.” Jinyoung said, before making his exit, slamming the door on his way out. Mark then released a sigh, and leaned back on his chair, rubbing his temples. _What should I do?_ He thought to himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My dumbass is still not used to ao3, taking ten years to edit -_- Oh and I still suck at naming my chapters, can you tell? Like I said, for some reason I've deepened the plot for Mark and Jinyoung, I got carried away, it happens~ I promise that the next chapter is Jaebum centric though, and as always, comment what you think!! Thank you :D Oh and, hmu on twitter @hesitantricia cause umm.. Just cause if you wanna ^_^


	10. New Year

They were celebrating New Year’s eve at a kid’s house that Jinyoung knew from his class, Jaebum had never even met the kid before but everyone was going, and with free food and beer offered, it’s hard to refuse. Youngjae however, needed a little bit more persuading but Jaebum managed to guilt tripped him into going, bringing up the fact that he had accompanied the younger, spending hours in the library accompanying him for the whole period of his exams. But by the looks of the red faced music major, and the sound of his boisterous laugh ringing the room, Jaebum highly doubts he regret coming at all, and looking at the younger one made him smile without him realising it.

 

“I’m surprised you brought him.” Jinyoung said from behind him, causing him to turn around from where he was leaning against the door frame.

“He’s fun.” Jaebum shrugged, slightly embarrassed that he got caught smiling like an idiot by himself.

“Hmm. Very easily amused, it’s fun to crack a joke in front of him, he laugh at anything.” Jinyoung continued, as they both watched Youngjae laugh at something Jackson was doing.

“Well, he seems to be enjoying Jackson’s sense of humor, so I don’t think he’s that hard to impress.” Jaebum replied which made Jinyoung elbowed him, not without letting out a chuckle first however.

“I’m glad though.” Jinyoung said, after a few seconds, and Jaebum just raised an eyebrow, prompting him to continue. “It’s the first time you really spend time with someone doing other activities that well, to put it bluntly, doesn’t involve the bed.”

“He- It’s not like-” Jaebum started to stutter which made his friend laugh.

“It’s good, you idiot, you don’t have to create excuses. Just be happy for fucks sake.” Jinyoung winked, and Jaebum felt the sudden urge to strangle his best friend. “And ask him out already, before someone else does. He’s such a cutie after all, I might ask him out myself.” Jinyoung then laughed again, and ran away when Jaebum actually tried to reach out for his neck.

 ***

“Did you have fun tonight?” Jaebum asked, pulling the boy tighter under his arm.

“Yes, sir!” Youngjae mock saluted, making Jaebum wonder just how drunk is he. “I can’t believe everyone’s been doing this, while… I… cramp my butt for tests! And I can’t believe you’ve never invited me to any before. AND I can’t believe you’re dragging me home before the countdown even started!” Youngjae whined, tugging at Jaebum’s arm.

“You were the one complaining about not wanting to go, now you’re complaining about wanting to stay?” Jaebum teased the boy.

“Well, that because- That’s just- It’s because I didn’t know it could be this fun!” Youngjae giggled, throwing up his hands to show just how much fun he was implying, and that caused him to lose his balance, and toppled down.

“Youngjae! Are you okay?” Jaebum helped the boy up, and his worry disappear instantly when he hear Youngjae’s evil repelling laugh. He then grabbed Youngjae’s hands and wrapped it around his again. “Hold tightly, okay?”

“Yes, sir!” Youngjae saluted again, face serious as he did what his hyung asked him to do.

***

 

“Hyung, why are we in the park?” The younger boy mumbled, head resting on the older one’s shoulder.

“Drink the coffee, Youngjae-ah. It’s almost midnight, do you wanna be so drunk you don’t even remember New Year’s?” Jaebum pointed to the coffee next to him.

“It’s bitter, I want caramel latte.” Youngjae complained but grabbed the can anyway.

“For someone whose family owns a cafe, I don’t know how you could hate coffee the way you do.” Jaebum muttered, looking at the way Youngjae’s face contorts at the taste of the coffee.

“Latte is coffee too. It’s only you who orders black disgusting coffee.”

“Since you’re arguing back, I assume you’re a bit more sober now?”

“I guess.”

“Good. It’s midnight in a minute, and I want to ask you something.” Youngjae then snorted, before giggling.

“When did you ever announce it, hyung? You’d usually just ask away. Even when we don’t want to hear it.”

“I’m being serious.” Jaebum replied , unamused.

“Me too.” The younger deadpanned.

“ _Anyway._ ” Jaebum emphasized, looking straight at Youngjae, trying to calm down his rapidly increasing heartbeat. “I would- Umm… I want to know. If. Umm.”

“Hyung?” Youngjae asks.

“Youngjae, I want to know if-” Jaebum was cut off when hundreds of fireworks started to light up the sky, and Youngjae too distracted to hear the rest of his sentence. Jaebum sighed, but can’t help but to smile at the way Youngjae’s face lighted up, looking at the fireworks.

 

 

They watched the fireworks in silence, both admiring the beauty in front of them. Youngjae, with the fireworks and Jaebum, with Youngjae’s smile. Youngjae hugged his arm, while pointing to the fireworks, going on and on about how pretty they are. Jaebum just agreed to everything the boy is saying, even laughing when some of the fireworks straight made Youngjae’s jaw dropped in awe. Jaebum too, was finally admiring the fireworks when he felt Youngjae’s hand cupping his jaw, and pulling his face to look at him. The boy then leaned up slowly, and right before their lips touch, he smiled his usual smile, and whispered.

“Happy New Year, Jaebum hyung.” And then their lips touched, and Jaebum released his breath that he wasn’t even aware of holding through his nose. His hands automatically reached up to pull the boy’s face closer, which made Youngjae let out a little whimper. Jaebum licked Youngjae’s lower lips, and slide his tongue in when the younger one tried to inhale some air. He felt Youngjae’s hand dropped from his face to wrap it around his shoulders instead, and he took that opportunity to pull the boy up to his lap. The younger one whimpered again, when Jaebum nibbled his lips, and straight up moaned when he moved to scatter kisses down his neck.

“Happy New Year Youngjae. Will you be my boyfriend?” Jaebum whispered to the younger one’s ear, as he pulled away from his neck and brought the boy close for a hug. He had imagined a million different ways the boy would react, all ranging from a slight bloom in his cheeks to a full blush as the boy shy let out his reply. What he didn’t expect, was for the boy to push him away, causing himself to fall off the older one’s lap and landing ass first on the ground, for the second time that night.

“OUCH!” Youngjae grumbled loudly, rubbing the spot that he landed on.

“Youngjae! What the hell?” Jaebum reached down to him. “You can just say no, not react like I’ve poured acid on you.” Jaebum muttered bitterly, hurt at the younger’s reaction.

“Say no? Hyung! I THOUGHT YOU’VE _BEEN_ MY BOYFRIEND!” Youngjae shouted, looking up at Jaebum with a deep frown.

“What?” Jaebum asked, shocked at the younger’s reply.

“Why else would I drag you to the library with me? Or- or go to the movies with me? Why else would I agree to go to that party with you, _wasn’t those all dates?!_ ”

“So in your mind, we’ve been dating? All these while?” Jaebum laughed, but stopped when he saw the younger one tearing up.

“I’m such an idiot.” Youngjae whispered, embarrassed as to how he reacted and how he thought they’ve been dating all these while.

“Ah Choi Youngjae. How can you keep getting cuter?” Jaebum smiled, and pulled the boy up for a hug. Youngjae just whined a series of mumbled words into Jaebum’s chest, refusing to look up at his hyung’s face as he felt his own one kept getting warmer in embarrassment. “Well, you still haven’t answered me.”

“MMHhm.” Youngjae groaned, nodding his head furiously, causing Jaebum to hold the boy tighter as he laugh at how adorable the younger one was being.

“I’ll take that as a yes, Jae.” Youngjae finally looked up, when he heard the nickname. He looked at Jaebum with wide eyes, still a little teary and his cheeks still bright red. And Jaebum honestly thinks that he never saw anything prettier. “My boyfriend.” He whispered, and leaned in for a kiss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Something fluffy cause I feel like it ;3 I hope y'all would like it, as always. Just one chapter update today tho, sorryyyyy~


	11. Jaebum

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unbeta'd

He went to the park where they had their first kiss at, with the same can of coffee he got them back then, buying it from the same convenience store nearby. It’s been days since he drank anything but alcohol, and even more days since he had stepped out from his room. Jinyoung had been calling him relentlessly, and buy the texts he had been sending him, he had even barged into his house but of course, Jaebum had not been home. He left the day Youngjae left, can’t bear to see the home they build together so shattered.

He managed to find a cheap broken down motel, that don’t bother him when he sleeps in all day, and all he needed was a bed anyway. He held his phone in his hand, and wondered if he should call Jinyoung, to tell him he’s okay, but he knows that Jinyoung would not leave him alone after that, so he decided a text should suffice, and after sending one, he put his phone back on airplane mode. Jaebum can barely remember the last time he acted like this, because he’s been so happy with Youngjae but as always, his demons would always catch up with him, no matter how high he thought he had climbed. The first time it happened, was when he was eleven, and was moving into the third foster family that had accepted him. He remembered, crying and begging everyone around him to send him back to the church he grew up in but everyone turned a blind eye to him. They just told him that it’s what’s best for him, that he should be crying happiness not sadness.

Subconsciously planting in his 11 year old mind that he should consider himself _lucky_ when someone offers him a home, he should consider himself _lucky_ that he is loved. He didn’t understand why the first two family decided they couldn’t handle his attitude anymore, when there’s worse kids in his classes that throws worse tantrums than him but never get sent away. They told him to behave himself so he won’t be moved again, but that only made him throw worse tantrums, so that one day they’d just decide to let him stay at the church.

The third family was actually the best one, and looking back, he can’t help but wonder what life would’ve been like if they had continued raising him. Of course, he couldn’t blame them for not being able to, he gave them all the reasons not to after all. But some of it, he did unintentionally. Like the days when all the limbs in his body felt too heavy to lift, so he’d skip days of school. Like the days that he’d get super hyper and run around the house, hitting all surfaces, breaking different things. They tried sitting him down, talking to him, but some days he can’t help the way his mind just silences everything surrounding him, and let his body move around without much soul. Then there are days that he’d throw a tantrum, getting angry at the smallest of things.

So they tried, but they just couldn’t handle him. He got his wish, and he returned to the church, excited to go back home again just to see that the kids he grew up with were no longer there, had found families themselves and all the new kids there he don’t recognise. The nuns that raised him are busy taking care of the others too, and some of his favourites had left to continue their missionary work elsewhere. That’s when he realised that he had no home to look forward too, and the words rings in his hear repeatedly, reminding him how he should’ve felt lucky to find a home and lucky to be loved.

And so the next time someone came to adopt him, he threw no tantrums, and tried to make himself look forward to it. But he found out that a family doesn’t necessarily mean a home. And there are people out there that would use kids like him to their advantage, trying to milk out as much money they could from the government. He didn’t remember much from the fourth house, even though he spent the longest there, four years of his life. Maybe because it didn’t felt too different to the church, where there was a few of them cramped in a room. All that was provided was their meal, and a bed to sleep on. They’d go to school early, and would come back late and it continued on for a few dull years.

The fifth one was very brief, and if his memories served him correctly it wasn’t even done under the proper channels. But that was also around the time that he got less sad, and more angry. The quiet boy in class started lashing out at his teachers, that surely got everyone’s attention. He was sick of everything, and mad at the whole world. At first, he tried to control it but then he realised that no one cares. If he were to throw a tantrum, no one would ask if there’s anything that’s bothering him, because he had ran out of luck. And he should’ve been grateful he decided then, because at that moment he regretted the things he did earlier and so he lashed out.

One thing leads to another, and skipping schools became a frequent thing, so does not going back home some nights. No one noticed anyway, not until the social worker’s scheduled visit, then he’d be forced to stay home. His relationship with the other kids grew even more strained, no that it was close before anyway. Every single kid, including him, had no intention on returning back there, to reach out to anyone from their past once they’ve made it out. So no one bothered to fake niceties, no one bothered to make that home the slightest bit homey.

The sixth one was just a couple, no other kids, just a bruff looking man and his frail wife. He was actually excited by then, because he’s only a couple of year shy of turning 18, turning legal and to be able to make his own decisions. But that house put into perspective that his life is not just about taking care of himself, but to help others too. Some people used other people for money, but sometimes that’s not the worst that could happen, he realised. There’s others that uses people for punching bags.

The first time he saw her got hit, he was so shocked, he started punching the man back, but the man overpowered him easily. He was then locked in the room, not able to reach out to anyone, not even to the lady. When he finally got out, when the man went on a business trip, he tried to talk to her, telling her to report it but she ignored him.Over time, the man would hit the lady again and again. When he’s home he’d try to stop the man, just to get hit too but he didn’t mind, because the man would get his kicks, and would leave the his wife alone. But there are days that he’d come home to see the woman all battered up, yet she’d act like nothing happened.

Jaebum then grew sick of trying to help her. He even wanted to report it himself but she begged him not to, even told him to kill her first before doing that. Looking back, he realised he should’ve reported it anyway, but he didn’t. Instead, he started loitering around more, just to be anywhere but home. He hated the sight of the woman letting the man do all of that to her, he hated himself too for letting it all happen. He even worked part time, so he could afford to pay for all of his things without reaching out to the man. Once he was 18, he finally ran away and slept couch to couch at his friend’s. He continued working a few jobs and finally saved up for college.

The woman died not long after, and he only found out a while later, through a letter in the mail, summoning him to court, because she had saved up a little money and had no one else to inherit it. He’s their son by paper, so it went to him. She and the man died in a car accident, and at first he felt relieved, because at least she wasn’t beaten to death. But then the anger consumed him because the man died too, without paying for his crimes, and the poor lady’s last moments was spent with her abuser. After finding out the news, he went to visit her grave, and didn’t return back to campus for weeks. He went into yet another slump, unable to move, unable to think.

The second he got better, and came back, he was met with a worried yet extremely pissed Jinyoung. That’s when he realised that he had found his home, it’s Jinyoung. No one had been on the verge of tears for him, and no one had left him hundreds of texts and even more voice mails, demanding to know where he disappeared to. Overwhelmed, he broke down in front of his friend, crying his heart out. And so, that’s the first time Jinyoung found out something about his past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Does this chapter require me to put warnings? Let me know please, I don't wanna offend anyone or anything~ As always, comment what you think! (It keeps me going \^o^/)


	12. Concern

“Hyung?” Youngjae’s voice echoed through their living room, and the sound of his footsteps followed, as he exited their bedroom.

“Mmm?” Jaebum hummed, looking up from where he was sitting on the couch, to see Youngjae covered in their blanket, yawning and rubbing his eyes.

“Hyung it’s like 4 am. Come back to bed.” The younger one whined, trying to pull him by his arm.

“I’ll come back in a while. You go in first, okay?” Jaebum replied, taking the younger’s hand and left a kiss on his knuckles. “Don’t worry about me, I’m just not sleepy.” He continued when the boy didn’t budge an inch.

“What are you thinking about?” Youngjae asked, as he sat next to his boyfriend, snuggling up next to him.

“Jae, it’s nothing. Really.” Jaebum said as he put his arms around the younger one, pulling him closer and inhaling the scent of his shampoo.

“Hyung, you never tell me anything…” Youngjae pouted, looking up at his hyung’s face with his chin resting on the older one’s chest.

“There’s nothing to say, I slept for hours in the afternoon and now I’m not sleepy.”

“You know you can tell me anything, right?”

“Of course I do.”

“Then why don’t you? I don’t know anything about you.” Youngjae pestered on.

“Yes you do.” Jaebum sighed.

“No I don’t. I tell you everything, but I don’t know anything about you. Even about your parents.” Youngjae grumbled, removing Jaebum’s arm and sitting up straight.

“I told you I was an orphan.” Jaebum groaned, not in the slightest mood to have this conversation with Youngjae at 4 in the morning.

“Yeah, but you had foster parents. Who raised you and all that, I don’t know anything.”

“Can we not talk about this right now?” Jaebum said, and got up to wash his mug of coffee in the kitchen. Youngjae watched his boyfriend walks away, feeling guilty because he probably made Jaebum’s night even worse. He waited a couple of minutes, before walking to the kitchen himself, and watched silently as Jaebum washed a couple of dishes that was left in the sink.

“Are you angry?” Youngjae asked, as Jaebum started wiping the mug dry.

“What? No, Youngjae. I’m not.” Jaebum turned slightly to look at him, before placing the mug on the shelf.

“I’m sorry hyung. I just want you to know it’s fine to tell me what’s troubling you.” Youngjae apologised, hugging him from the back.

“I will Youngjae, I promise.” Jaebum replied quietly, placing his hands over Youngjae’s and squeezed it in reassurance.

“So you’re _really_ fine?” Youngjae asked again, when Jaebum turned around to pull him for a hug.

“Yeah, with you here how can I not be?” He smiled lazily, leaving a peck on Youngjae’s nose.

“Always the flirt.” Youngjae muttered, and retaliated with a peck on the older one’s chin.

“Only with you.” Jaebum then smirked, before carrying the younger one in his arms.

“HYUNG! _Put me down_!” The younger one protested, but Jaebum only tightened his grip and leaving kisses on Youngjae’s lips to stop him from complaining.

 

***

 

 “I dreamt of her last night.” Jaebum said, when they were walking back from the cafe they had their lunch at.

“What was it about?” Jinyoung asked, trying to hide his surprise at the sudden confession. It’s been a while since Jaebum had these dreams, or at least it has been while since Jaebum told him.

“The hits. How hard he hit her.”

“How about when he.. you know. Hits you?”

“He didn’t abuse me. I mean, I guess he did but it was her he wanted to hit. If I hadn’t stopped him from hitting her, he wouldn't have even hit me.”

“Just getting hit is scary enough, Jaebum.” Jinyoung said, couldn’t even imagine what it must’ve been like for his friend.

“I was used to fighting with other kids from school or whatever, it was nothing. But I don’t know why the image of her all beaten up still couldn’t leave my mind.”

“Hyung, you know that it wasn’t your fault right? You need to stop blaming yourself.”

“But I should’ve done something. I should’ve done more.” Jaebum sighed, massaging the bridge of his nose in frustration.

“You can’t help someone that don’t want help. You told me yourself, she’d rather you kill her before reporting it to the police.”

“But still…”

“Hyung, listen to me. You couldn’t have done anything, you were only a teenager and you may have experienced far more shit but you were still just a teenager. Stop blaming yourself.” Jinyoung said earnestly, reaching out to give Jaebum’s shoulder a squeeze.

“It wasn’t just that, but everywhere I go it seems to just go wrong. Nothing happened to me in the other houses, but I still have nightmares about them. Maybe if I hadn’t went there he probably wouldn’t had-” Jaebum said helplessly but was cut off by Jinyoung.

“He probably would’ve had killed her earlier, you know he’d been abusing her long before you went there. You actually did good by going there hyung. You may not believe it, but you did. You helped her when no one else did.” Jinyoung said, getting frustrated by the second at how hard Jaebum is being on himself.

“I don’t know…” Jaebum replied, shaking his head.

“How long have you been thinking about this? Have you told Youngjae about any of these? Your past?” Jinyoung asked, when they reached the front of his office, where they’d usually part ways.

“I can’t make him worry about me.” Jaebum replied, shaking his head.

“He’s your lover, you’re supposed to help each other. And you’ve been together for almost two years now!”

“He’s too young. And I should be the one taking care of him, not the other way around.”

“No, you’re supposed to take care of each other. Do you know he even came to me that day to ask me about you?”

“What? When? Why didn’t you say anything to me earlier?” Jaebum asked, shocked that Youngjae did that, without him knowing.

“Because I didn’t tell him anything. I _lied_ and said I know nothing as well, but I’m sure he knows I’m lying. Look, he’s worried about you, okay? And he’s your boyfriend, you’re living together for crying out loud, it’s his right to be concerned about you.” Jinyoung replied, trying to convince the man to tell his boyfriend everything.

“I will… Just not _now_ , okay?”

 

***

 

“So you think he’s cheating on you?” Mark asked bluntly, as he continued to mark his student’s papers.

“What?! Of course not!” Youngjae replied, a little too loudly, surprised at how his hyung got that conclusion.

“Then what’s the issue? He’s probably telling you the truth, stop pestering him.” Mark sighed, when the younger one whined loudly.

“But I tell him _everything_ … And all he does is listen and like I don’t want to bore him, what if he dumps me because he gets bored with me? Because it’s only me that does the talking?”

“Youngjae, _trust me_. If he dumps you, it won’t be because you’re talking too much but because you’re whining too much.” Mark then dodged expertly - an expertise that he gained, from teaching small children at his kindergarten - the stuffed toy that was thrown at his direction.

“Hyung, you’re mean.” Mark just chuckled at that, shaking his head at how childish the younger boy was being. And it was quiet again, for a few seconds at least. “But… Do you really think he’ll dump me for this?”

“ _Youngjae_ , oh my god!” Mark said exasperatedly in English. “I was joking okay, of course he won’t dump you. But seriously, stop pestering him. I’m sure he’ll tell you whatever it is you think he’s hiding from you when he is ready.”

“I just-”

“Yes, yes. You want him to know you’re there for him. But he has to be an idiot to not get that tattooed in his mind by now. And Youngjae, I love you. But you don’t know how annoying your whines can be.” Mark interjected, quite exhausted with the topic of conversation.

“Are you-”

“ _Yes_. I am sure.”

“So I just-”

“You just need to stop being paranoid, and just do whatever you two usually do. Without worrying so much, okay? He's probably not even hiding anything, stop sounding like a jealous clingy girlfriend.” Mark said with a straight face.

“Thanks MARK.” Youngjae then giggled at the look of frustration on Mark’s face, replying in English.

“There should be a hyung there somewhere.” Mark reprimanded his dongsaeng, shaking his head in mock disappointment.

“Hyung is not an English word.” Youngjae replied, cheekily.

“Hmm… I haven’t talked to your mom in a while, I wonder if I should give her a call?” Mark pretended to think, talking to himself.

“You don’t have to do that, Mark _hyung._ She’s doing just fine.” Youngjae emphasised the ‘hyung’ sarcastically.

“Hmm I’ll think about it. Oh, and Youngjae, don’t you have class?” Mark asked, trying not to laugh out at the look sheer panic on Youngjae’s face as he packed his things hurriedly and ran out the door. “Take care!”


	13. Cries

The second he received the message from his friend, he left immediately to meet the man at the park. Jinyoung had been waiting for some sort of reply from the man, and when he received the first text, he tried to call the man but Jaebum had turned his phone off. Not long after, he received another text, telling him to meet him at the park. He saw Jaebum instantly, sitting alone on the bench, crouched over with his elbows on his knees and a cup of coffee in his hands, shivering lightly as the weather gets a little colder. He made his way to his friend, and covered him with his coat, before taking a sit next to him.

“Where have you been?” Jinyoung started the conversation, when Jaebum kept silent.

“Jinyoung, if I ask you a question can you be honest with me?” Jaebum ignored the man’s question, instead asking his own.

“Yeah, for sure.” The younger one expressed. “Why did you stick with me?” Jaebum asked, not looking up from his coffee.

“What do you mean?”

“Why did you stick with me? I’m nothing but an emotional mess, but you’ve always been there, since the first day I met you.” He said, before placing his coffee on the ground and started to crack his knuckles like he’d usually do when he is anxious.

“Cause… That’s what friends do, hyung.” Jinyoung answered, albeit a few seconds of silence.

“But… Why? What are you waiting for?”

“What am I waiting for? Nothing, hyung. I’m your friend, so I’ll be here whenever you need me. Until whenever.” Jinyoung then reached out his arm, and put in around his friend’s shoulders. As if to solidify his statement.

“I’m never gonna change, Jinyoung.” Jaebum shrugged his shoulders, causing Jinyoung’s arm to drop to his side.

“I don’t need you to _change_.” Jinyoung stressed, reaching out his arms again stubbornly.

“No, you don’t get it! I’ll never get rid of my mood swings. Sometimes it takes days and some lasts for months. I can’t help it!” Jaebum shouted, shoving Jinyoung’s arm away.

“And I will still be here, hyung. You’re my best friend, and I care for you. And I’ve told you before, whenever you’re ready to seek professional help, I’ll be there for you.” The younger one instead grabbed Jaebum’s wrist and didn’t let go despite how hard Jaebum shook it.

“I thought I could just forget everything but I just _couldn’t_. I tried, but I couldn’t let go of everything. And when I was with Youngjae it has been so good, and it lasted so long I thought I finally was happy again. I thought the mood swings are finally gone but in the end I’ll always end up like this.” Jaebum cried out, arms slumped down on his sides weakly.

“Hyung, it’s not too late to get him back. And it’s never too late to seek help. Youngjae will understand, he’ll be there for you too.” Jinyoung tried to persuade.

“Yes it is. It’s _too late_ , cause I’ve dragged this too far. I shouldn’t had dated him, I shouldn’t had moved in with him, I shouldn’t had even talked to him.” The older one shook his head, as the memories runs in his mind.

“Don’t say that.” Jinyoung snapped. "You know you love him, and you know he loves you too.”

“I don’t know… Jinyoung, _I don’t._ That’s why I did all that. Cause I don’t know.” Jaebum finally turned to look at his friend in the eye, for the first time that day.

“Hyung, listen to yourself! Youngjae loves you, no he adored you! He stayed with you for months even after you started… You know. I won’t let you sit here and doubt his love for you like this.” Jinyoung spat, not believing the words that is pouring out his friend’s mouth.

“There’s nothing to love! How can I believe that he loves me when, there’s _nothing_ to be loved in me?!” Jaebum screamed, as tears runs down his cheeks and snot from his nose and it wasn’t a pretty sight. It’s ugly, like how he felt inside. “I thought maybe, just maybe I can be normal again. When I’m with him, I don’t feel the need to shut things off, I don’t feel the need to run away cause he makes me feel things I don’t ever want to stop feeling, I don’t want to be away from him. I thought I was finally normal again, and he can love me the way I love him. But… but it _always_ comes back!” Jinyoung stared at his friend, mouth wide open in shock at his friend’s confession. His heart clenched at the sight Jaebum crying so hard. His cries sounded like it was teared open from the deepest part of him, his whole body was shaking. Jinyoung then pulled the man in a hug, to try to calm him down.

“Hyung… What were- How can you think that? You… You deserve all the love in the world hyung, no one is undeserving of that.” Jinyoung started to tear up, imagining how empty someone must be to feel that way. “You’re the- You’re the kindest person I know! You always look out for me, you treated me like I’m your brother, you’re always there when I need you. And you have so much love to give, not just to me, but to Youngjae, Jackson… Even your stepmom… You still blame yourself for something that wasn’t your fault hyung, cause you loved her.”

“Jinyoung I can’t go on like this… I miss Youngjae _so much_ , and I made him hate me! I want to hug him again, but I can’t… I _can’t_ do that to him.” Jaebum whispered, broken. “I can’t let him waste his time on me.”

“Hyung, he _loves_ you.”

 “No, he’s does not.” Jaebum shook his head vigorously.

“Hyung!”

“I hate myself! Even _I,_ hate myself, so how can he possibly love me? He can’t, he _shouldn’t_ …I can't let him.”

“Then what about me, hyung? You never ran away from me. Don't you I care for you? Or am I gonna wake up one day to see you disappear _again_?!” Jinyoung lashed out, pushing Jaebum with his grip on the older man’s shoulder and shook him hard. Misdirecting his frustration with himself for letting Jaebum spiral down this far.

“That’s the _worst_  part…” Jaebum said softly, looking down, ashamed to look at Jinyoung. “Jinyoung I’m sorry, but you’re the only thing that I can call mine. Honestly I- I was run away again. After Youngjae left, I was gonna leave too, I can't stay at one place this long but then I thought of you and, _you’re my home_. I’m sorry for being selfish like this, Jinyoung but I can’t let you go now. I can still save Youngjae, but… I’m sorry Jinyoungie, I’m sorry for dragging you with me, but I swear I didn’t do it on purpose… I’m sorry but I don’t want to be alone. I’m _tired_.”

“Jaebum, you idiot… Why would you even apologise?” Jinyoung hugged his friend again with one hand on the man’s nape and the other running soothing circles on his back, trying his best not to cry as he continued talking. “I’ll always be there for you- so don’t- don’t even _try_ to run away. I’ll chase you till the end of the earth if I have to.”

“I’m sorry.” Jaebum sobbed, clutching on to Jinyoung like he’s hanging for dear life. “I’m sorry.” He repeated again and again, apologising to his friend, apologising to Youngjae for hurting him, apologising to the gods that he must’ve offended in his previous life, apologising to whatever greater power that’s controlling the universe, apologising to everyone for no reason at all. Apologising, because he felt like he is at fault, because there’s something in him that is just, always, _faulty._

 Jinyoung rubbed his friends back, not caring about the wetness that is on his neck as Jaebum continued to cry his heart out. His heart breaks at the sight in front of him, and he wanted to do anything he could to mend Jaebum’s heart again, so that he could believe in himself again. He wanted to erase his friend’s past so he can stop having dreams about them. So that his past could stop haunting him and let him move forward in life, not run away whenever he gets somewhere where he’s actually happy.

“Hyung, _promise me_ you’ll talk to someone about it. I’ll be there hyung, but I’m not a professional, I don’t know how to make it stop.” Jaebum just nodded, as his crying slowed down and he slowly loosened his grip from Jinyoung.

“Come with me.”

“Of course, hyung.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2 more chapters today! Uhh is it moving too slow? Hmm idk I think this chapter was actually a milestone because we finally found out about Jaebum's thought. If I miss something or if you don't understand something, comment as always :D And 50 kudos, thank you so much!


	14. Friends

“I don’t want to intrude in your relationship or something, but you wanna talk about why Youngjae been looking all sad and depressed lately?” Jackson asked, once they were into their third drink, a little loosened up. They were out in the pub, despite Jinyoung’s protest. Jackson dragged both of them, complaining that they haven’t been out in forever - with zero exaggeration, he swore- and they were getting dull.

“What are you talking about?” Jinyoung asked Jackson, unaware of this because he’d been busy at work.

“I don’t think I can do it anymore.” Jaebum said, after a shot of his drink.

“Hyung, what do you mean?” Jinoyung asked, both him and Jackson exchanged looks before focusing their attention on Jaebum.

“I don’t think I can be with Youngjae anymore, I’m ending it.” The oldest one revealed, like it’s the most obvious thing.

“What?!” Jackson half yelled, almost choking on his drink.

“Why, hyung? So out of the blue?” Jinyoung frowned, half expecting the whole confession to be a joke. “I’m just tired of it.” He shrugged, taking in another shot.

“What?!” Jackson yelled again. “Are you drunk?”

“No, I’m perfectly fine. I’ve just been thinking.” Jaebum replied, looking at them blankly.

“And you’re convinced that you need to break up with Youngjae? Why?” Jackson asked again. Jinyoung was just keeping quiet, wondering the same things as Jackson.

“It’s just not going anywhere, it’s getting a little annoying to be honest.”

“Im Jaebum, are you high?! You’ve been with the kid for two years now, and now you suddenly want to call it off because it’s getting boring?” People started to turn and look at them, as Jackson’s voice just keeps on getting louder.

“Hyung, what’s the real reason?” Jinyoung finally voiced out.

“That is the real reason. It’s been two years and it’s getting boring, I want out.” The man shrugged again, looking bored.

“Does Youngjae know about this? Have you considered his feelings, perhaps? Or have you told him, is that why he’s all sad lately?” Jackson asked, getting irritated at Jaebum’s half assed replies.

“I’ll just tell him I want out, simple.”

“What if he don’t want out? What will you say to him?” Jinyoung asked, noticing how tightly Jaebum gripped his shot glass, despite how nonchalant the man looks.

“I’ll just be honest. It’s getting boring, and he’s getting annoying.” And that was when Jackson lost it.

“Listen here, Youngjae deserve more than this half assed confession. I still don’t know if you’re just saying this because you’re drunk, or if you’ve suddenly been hit with a mid-life crisis, but screw this Jaebum. You got tired? Well maybe you shouldn’t have asked him out then, asked him to move in with you.” Jackson got up from his sit, grabbing even more attention from strangers.

“Jackson, calm down.” Jinyoung said calmly, reaching out to make Jackson sit down again, but Jackson pushed his hand away, always the one to lose his temper the fastest.

“No! Youngjae is getting annoying?! He’s literally the sweetest kid on earth, he don’t deserve this. And I can stand by your decision no question asked at any time, but not this time. Not because of something so ridiculous. You’re just being an asshole, Jaebum.”

“Jackson, stop it.” Jinyoung reached out again, but then Jackson turned to look at him. “And you, how can you be calm after listening to all this? Just thinking about how unfair it is to Youngjae makes my blood boil. I thought you’re his friend too. And you know what Jaebum, break up with him then, you don’t deserve his love a second longer if you’re being this stupid.”

“Of course I am, but-” Jinyoung started, but Jaebum cut him off.

“Friends? You’re one to talk Jackson, you just talk to Youngjae because you want to get into Mark’s pants.” Jaebum scoffed, glaring at him. Jackson glared back, but then stopped and shook his head, chuckling bitterly.

“Whatever.” He took his things, and was leaving but Jinyoung asked him to stop. “Look, I don’t know what is really going on here, if you’re ready to stop being such an ass, you can call me anytime. But this is not you, I don’t want to listen to this.” He said to Jaebum in sincerity, and then left them.

 

***

 

“Do you still remember what you said last week? Did you mean it?” Jinyoung started, after a few minutes into their lunch. Jaebum stopped eating, and after a while took a few gulps of water before replying. “Yeah, I think so.” “Can you at least tell me the real reason why?” Jinyoung asked, despite hoping for Jaebum’s reply to be no, he was just joking.

“I- I used to love the way he laugh, now I find it too loud.” Jaebum responded and Jinyoung waited for him to continue, but he didn’t.

“Wait, that’s all? That’s why you’re breaking up with him?” Jinyoung asked, confused.

“It’s not just that, but it seems like everything he’s doing is just getting under my nerves lately. Things that I used to like are now just so… annoying.” The older one explained, eyebrows furrowed as he thought of the past couple of weeks of continuous quarrels with Youngjae.

“What? You just woke up one day and-” Jinyoung inquired but stopped when he realised something. Wait, hyung, is it because you’ve started to get those dreams again?” Jinyoung asked, remembering the day Jaebum confessed to him about his dream not too long ago. Jaebum looked surprised, keeping quiet. “It is, isn’t it? You’re acting like the cold stoic Jaebum that I first met, all over again.”

“No, I’m not.” Jaebum muttered, looking down.

“I’ve been wondering… Since that day at the pub, and it makes more sense now. You’re letting your insecurities eating you up again, aren’t you, hyung?” Jinyoung asked.

“Jinyoung-ah, I’m not. I’ve not even been having those dreams much lately.” Jaebum denied, shaking his head.

“Hyung, it looks like you’re just trying to create reasons to find Youngjae annoying, even when there’s none. Why are you lying to yourself?”

“I’m not. I told you-” Jaebum said harshly but was cut off by his friend.

“You’re not. That’s the thing, you started to believe the walls that you build are you, but it’s not hyung. You build it up, now you’re going to throw away Youngjae just like that?”

“It’s better for him anyway.” Jaebum whispered, and Jinyoung sighed, knowing that his hyung probably did believe so.

“Have you even told him? You haven’t, haven’t you? You can’t just decide these things by yourself, hyung. Youngjae have a right to decide what's best for him, not you.”

“I’m not. I’m decided what’s best for me.”

“Oh god, hyung I’m telling you, your all tough act won’t work on me. So just-” Jinyoung said exasperatedly.

“I’m not acting, I really am going to end it.” Jaebum grunted, straightening his position on the chair, and look directly at Jinyoung, signaling the end of this conservation.

“No you won’t, you love him too much to even bring it up.” Jinyoung snapped, and Jaebum sighed defeatedly, knowing well that his friend is correct. “Just tell him about the nightmares you’d get hyung, talk it out with him. You know Youngjae would do anything for you, right?”

“I know it too well.” Jaebum replied grimly.

 

***

 

“Oh, hyung what are you doing here?” Jinyoung greeted the older man, not expecting his visit quite this late at night.

“Sorry for not informing you first, Jinyoung.” Mark apologised, once they were in the house.

“Don’t worry about it hyung, you can come.. Umm anytime.” Jinyoung said, meaning every word, but after meeting each other again, they still haven’t catch up properly.

“Umm thanks.” Mark replied, standing awkwardly in the middle of the living room, before Jinyoung took a sit and invited him to sit down too.

“So, what brings you here, hyung? I highly doubt it’s just to catch up.” Jinyoung tried to joke, but it fell flat.

“Actually, I’ll just get straight to the point. I’m here because of Youngjae.”

“Youngjae? Why, did something happen?”

“Yeah, I’d like to find out about that too.” Mark revealed.

“What do you mean, hyung?” Jinyoung asked, even though if he had to guess, he knew what direction this conversation is leading into.

“Did Jaebum do something? I’d go and ask him myself but Youngjae asked me not to intrude.” Mark explained, completely serious.

“Then, maybe you shouldn’t intrude.” Jinyoung sassed, without meaning to. He just panicked and figured that he probably shouldn’t say anything to Mark yet. Not wanting him to get involved with the mess that Jaebum had already created for him and Youngjae.

“Why? Does he have something to hide?” Mark questioned, eyebrows furrowed, sensing that Jinyoung is hiding something from him.

“I’m sure whatever it is, Youngjae would’ve told you if he wanted to.” Jinyoung snapped again, hoping to end this conversation already.

“Look, I’m not here to argue with you. God knows my argument with Jackson is enough to last me a lifetime. I just want to know if you knew anything.” Mark sighed, tired of arguing.

“I don’t.” Jinyoung murmured, shaking his head at the questioning look Mark is throwing him.

“Are you sure? I know you’re probably thinking it’s none of my business but it is. Youngjae is like a younger brother to me, and he’s just been so sad lately. I need to know what’s bothering him.”

“How do you know it’s even Jaebum?” Jinyoung asked, trying to divert the conversation from Jaebum.

“Well for instance, Jaebum rarely visit the kindergarten anymore. Youngjae hasn’t been gushing about him for weeks now, which is alarming considering going without even one day was a record for him. So yeah, it’s not that hard to guess who may have caused his distress. And since you’re his friend, I’m wondering if he had told you anything.” Mark blurted.

“Well… He hasn’t so.” Jinyoung just shrugged, feeling guilty that he’s hiding it. He knows that Mark only meant well for Youngjae.

“If you’re really sure, then I’d take my leave.” Mark decided, standing up.

“You reached here like five minutes ago, hyung.” Jinyoung commented, thinking that the older man would spend a little more time.

“I just wanted to ask about Youngjae, but since you don’t know much anyway.”

“Oh okay, I figured you could stay for coffee at least. Haven’t talked to you.” “Oh. It’s just that it’s already so late now. Rain check?”

“Sure, hyung.” Jinyoung smiled, walking Mark to the door.

“And um, Jinyoung? You’d tell me right? If you know anything?” Mark asked, right before leaving.

“Of course.” Jiyoung replied.


	15. Mrs. Choi

“Youngjae, did something happened between you and Jaebum?” His mum asked him, a couple of weeks into his return back to Mokpo. It was right before bedtime, and he was already tucked in bed.

“Uhh…” Youngjae tried to find words to reply him mum, but he couldn’t find any. Should he confess everything? He and Jaebum had ended after all, hadn’t they?

“Is it a quarrel? You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to Jae-ah.” His mum smiled, trying to reassure her son, taking a sit on his bed. “Whatever it is, I’m sure you’ll go back when you’re ready.”

“Mum, what if… it’s over?” Youngjae asked, and his mum immediately masked the look of her shock on her face from his son, not wanting him to shy away.

“Whatever the reason is, I hope you two had talked about it before deciding something so huge. No use crying over spilt milk, they say.”

“That’s the thing, I’m not sure if it’s the right decision.” Youngjae muttered, getting up to lead against the headboard.

“Have you two talked about it?” His mum asked, reaching out to hold his hand.

“Well, no. But it’s um… It’s something hard to talk about. We’d just get too emotional and… It gets messy.” He shook his head in memory of the few times he had tried to sit down and talk about it with Jaebum.

“Love is messy, Jae-ah. It’s not always going to be rainbows and butterflies.” His mum tried to comfort him.

“What if it was? It was all perfect until one day, it’s just not anymore.” He teared up a little as he said that, because he and Jaebum had been so happy.

“Are you sure it’s all perfect? Nothing is perfect Youngjae.”

“But we were happy.”

“There’s happiness in imperfections. Maybe it all seemed perfect because, you were so happy. But even the strongest of buildings will start to form cracks one day. Doesn't mean is has to bulldozed down.”

“What if the building has crashed down by itself.” Youngjae whispered, a lonely tear rolled down his cheek without him realising it.

“Oh baby, come here.” Youngjae’s mum pulled him for a hug, patting his back. “You want to talk about it?” But Youngjae just shook his head, sniffling as he tried to stop his tears. “Look honey, whatever it is, you know you can tell me, right? I’m your mum, I only want what's best for you.”

“Thanks mum, but… I’m just not ready to talk about it yet.” Youngjae whimpered, bursting out in tears.

“Okay honey." She continued to rub his back, as he slowly stopped crying. " How long are you planning to stay in Mokpo? The family loves having you here, but you can’t leave Mark all alone there. Who’s gonna remind him to eat?” Youngjae huffed a laugh at that, and pulled away.

“He’ll be fine, mum.”

“I know Jae-ah, but he’s still your boss. And he may be your boss, but you shouldn’t leave your job, I taught you better.” She said, and pinched his nose. “I’m sure he says he got it all under control, but you can’t stay here forever.”

“I won’t mum, don’t worry.” He smiled as his mum ruffled his hair.

“I love you, son. You’re so big now, having a job, a boyfriend. Talk with him about it okay, or talk to me. Or your sister, just don’t keep it inside so long. I don’t like how sad my son look.”

“Sorry, mum.”

“Don’t be silly! Nothing to apologise for, sadness is part of life after all. Without it, there’s no happiness too Youngjae. Same goes with you and Jaebum. But it doesn’t have to be sadness forever, that up to you two to decide.” Him mum kissed the top of his head, and wished him goodnight, leaving to her own room.

That night Youngjae stayed awake, long after his mum left his room, long after he turned off the lights, and long after he closed his eyes in an attempt to sleep. In fact, it had been like that since the day he left Seoul, he would just stay awake until the wee hours of morning trying to figure out what he did wrong, what did he do to deserve all this, what does those people that Jaebum drags home have that he doesn’t? They had been happy, hadn’t they? Had he been lacking to the point that Jaebum had to seek it in other people?

So he spent nights after nights trying to figure out what’s wrong with himself, crying himself to sleep as the list he created in his head just gets longer and longer. Perhaps, he’s not handsome enough? Or as well built? Or maybe Jaebum just got tired and wanted some woman’s touch instead? As the list goes on, he felt anxiety enveloping him, even guilt at one point because maybe he had been the one dragging Jaebum to the dirts, not the other way around.

But morning will come and he’d realise that Jaebum doesn’t deserve his tears, that he’s worth more than that. Of course it’s not his fault and Mark’s daily call to him definitely helps to ease down his anxiety levels despite how much he complains to Mark that he is perfectly fine. However, when it’s past 3 am and you’re lying in bed wide awake, no good thoughts could come out of it. Only the dark and ugly ones, the ones that the bright sun of morning would keep locked away. But when it’s lights out, it’d come creeping back out, and he can’t help but to wonder, what did he do that was so wrong? For Jaebum to treat him this way?

 

***

“Mark, have you eaten?” Mark smiled, grateful for how caring Youngjae’s mum had always been with him.

“Of course, aunty.” He replied, but Youngjae’s mum continued on.

“Coffee is not a meal, honey. I don’t care if it comes from my café.” “I actually had a sandwich with it, so it was a meal.” Mark replied, turning off the speaker and held the phone, reclining back on the chair; deciding to take a small rest from his work.

“Mark, I don’t know how you Americans consider that lunch, but you need rice for it to be a proper meal. I’ve told you this, countless times now.” She nagged and Mark just laughed, used to it.

“I’m just busy with work, I’d usually do go out for rice.”

“Oh, how’s work honey? You have to cover for Youngjae too don’t you, I’m sorry for making you do this. Kids are so hard to handle after all.” She apologised, worried about how Mark is probably over working himself even more now.

“Aunty, it’s not a big deal, everything is fine here, the kids are behaving. Youngjae can stay in Mokpo however long he needs.” He reassure her.

“About that….”

“Yes?” He broke in to ask.

“I need you to come and pick him up, he can’t stay here any longer.” She deadpanned.

“What?! Why? Is something wrong?” Mark asked, sitting straight suddenly, worried.

“No, no…” She quickly assured him. “It’s just that it has been almost a month now and he don’t look like he’s going back anytime soon. And we love having him here, but he can’t just abandon his life in Seoul, he have a job-“

“I told you it’s fine!” He quickly interjected, meaning every word he said. “AND a boyfriend, who he split the rent with. He can’t just leave over a lover’s spat.” She continued to say, trying to convince Mark.

“It… Wasn’t just a spat aunty.” He replied dejectedly, knowing that Youngjae hadn’t said a word to his family about it despite the numerous times he tried to convince him to.

“Oh you know what happened! Tell me then Mark, I’ve been asking me but he refuse to say a word. Oh that stubborn boy.”

“I- I don’t mean to be rude... But it’s just… It’s not my secret to tell.” He muttered, caught in the middle of wanting to respect Youngjae’s decision but also wanting the best for him.

“Well, then I don’t know what to say. Whatever it is, I told him to sort it out, have a talk with Jaebum.”

“Aunty!” He raised his voice, shocked at what she had asked Youngjae to do. That’s the last thing Mark wants him to do, to go and talk to the bastard.

“What? I’m not against them breaking up, It’d be a shame of course, because they were so happy together but if that’s what they decide then, so be it. But Youngjae said they didn’t even talk about it. And Mark, you know I love you like my own son, don’t you? But you’ve always been so over protective over him. Some things he has to go through on his own, no matter how hard or painful it is. It’ll only make him stronger. So I refuse to let him hide in Mokpo like this, he needs to go back and tie up the loose ends. You understand me? So come fetch him this weekend.”

“Aunty, it has been _really rough_ on him-“

“I know that Mark, but it’s been almost a month and if anything he looks worse than when he came here. If separating from Jaebum had actually made him feel better, then of course he’s welcomed to stay her for good but he’s getting worse. As his mum, I want to help so badly but he won’t say a word to me. How am I supposed to help him if I don’t even know what’s their fight about? So this is what’s best for him now, to go back, continue his life, gets busy and stop burying himself in this sadness.”

“But, what if he’s not ready?”

“Honey, he’s as ready as he’ll ever be. And if it was really so bad, don’t you think it’s better to just end it for good and move on? He’s my son Mark, I hate seeing him like this. Please, come and bring him back to Seoul, okay? Promise me.”

“I… I will aunty. But you have to tell him, I don’t want to drag him back here if he’s not ready."


	16. Jinyoung

After the night Mark came over, Jinyoung decided to visit Youngjae, since he haven’t actually seen the boy lately. Mark and Jackson said the boy had been really down, and sad which is no where near the constant happy expression that the boy has on his face. And he wanted to hear the story from his side, how he has been feeling about his relationship dynamic with Jaebum lately. So he texted Youngjae, and the boy agreed to go out for dinner.

“Jinyoung? What are you doing here?” Mark asked, surprised to see the man waiting outside the kindergarten.

“Oh, I have plans for dinner with Youngjae.” The other man replied, with a polite smile.

“Hyung, you’re here.” Youngjae greeted, coming out a few seconds later then Mark.

“Ready to go?” Jinyoung asked, nodding to the direction of his car.

“Hyung, do you want to join us? Didn’t you tell me that you knew Jinyoung?” Youngjae asked Mark, hoping that he’d come because he wasn’t in the mood to talk much that night, after another quarrel with Jaebum.

“No, it’s alright. I wouldn’t want to intrude.” Mark replied, shaking his hands to emphasize his point.

“You wouldn’t be intruding, right Jinyoung hyung?” Youngjae insisted, turning to look at Jinyoung.

“Actually, I wanted to… Talk to you alone today, if you don’t mind?” Jinyoung replied, after debating whether or not to say yes. He wouldn’t mind it of course, but he just wanted Youngjae to be completely honest with him tonight and he have a feeling the boy wouldn’t say much with Mark there.

“Oh.” The boy replied, surprised at his answer. Mark looked surprised too, but decided to ask Jinyoung about it later.

“It’s okay, Youngjae-ah. Go on, I have a meeting anyway.” Mark waved, leaving to his car.

“Do you want to talk about something important, hyung?” Youngjae voiced, as they were walking towards the car.

“Yeah, quite important Youngjae.” He replied.

 

***

 

“Thanks for dinner, hyung. But you hadn’t actually asked me anything. Other than the usual small talks. And I don’t think that’s what you’re here for.” Youngjae asked, as their plates were taken away, and replaced with the desert that Jinyoung insisted on both of them having.

“Hmm… I just didn’t want to jump into it.” Jinyoung replied with a soft smile, comforting the younger man.

“Oh, what’s it about?”

“Will you promise to be _honest_ with me, Youngjae?”

“Umm.. okay?” Youngjae replied uncertainly.

“It’s about Jaebum. He told me about your quarrels. I just wanted to check in with you, see if you’re alright.”

“O-Of course I am hyung, it’s just umm… It’s just small fights. Every couples have them.” Youngjae stuttered, and ended it with a huge smile; an over compensated smile.

“Are you sure? Even Jaebum seems pretty upset over it.”

“Upset? Why, hyung? Did he say something? Did I upset him?”

“No! No, Youngjae, of course not. I mean, he’s been upset at himself for keep on losing his temper lately.” Jinyoung quickly explains. 

“Oh, he told you this?”

“Well, not in those words really, but I can see how it’s affecting him. So I just wanted to make sure you’re doing fine.”

“Oh okay… I’m fine hyung, really. I’ve just been worried over him. He’s been so stressed lately and I try to not get in his way, but somehow we’d always end up arguing.” The younger one sighed, playing with his food.

“So you’re not upset that he’s been losing his temper?”

“I mean I am, but more at _myself_ for not being to help him. You know how he is, sometimes he’d just lose his temper but he’d always apologise. He’d always calm down and now, it’s just taking a lot while longer. That’s why I’m sure whatever it is that’s been disturbing him must be really big, for it to last this long. And I just want to help him feel better again.” Youngjae explained, feeling a little weight lift off his shoulder sat finally telling someone about it.

 “Youngjae, you shouldn’t be upset at _yourself_. Jaebum is a hard one to crack, I’m not surprised he’s keeping it all in.”

“But… _Nevermind_.” Youngjae cut himself off, looking away.

“What is it Youngjae?”

“It’s nothing, hyung.” Youngjae insisted.

“You know you can trust me, right?” Jinyoung asked, wanting the younger one to tell him what’s bothering him.

“It’s just… He seems fine telling it to you. And I didn’t mean it in a rude way hyung, but I’m his boyfriend. He should be telling me.”

“Youngjae, I’ve known him longer than you, and knowing him, I’m sure he just don’t want you to worry about him. Because… You’re his boyfriend.”

“But how can I help then? I feel so useless.”

“I’ll… I’ll talk to him okay?”

“Really? Hyung? You would?” Youngjae instant lit up, happy that Jinyoung is willing to help him.

“I’ve been telling him, to open up to you but he’s so stubborn. But he means well, Youngjae.” Jinyoung promised the younger man.

“I know, but… I want him to be happy.” Youngjae replied, feeling less worried now, looking forward to Jaebum opening up to him.

“Just make sure to put your happiness as your priority too, Youngjae-ah.” Jinyoung smiled, happy to see the younger one a little cheerful again.

 

***

 

“I was actually expecting this.” Jinyoung chuckled.

“Sorry, again.” Mark replied sheepishly.

“I actually wanted to call, but then I realise don’t actually have your number.”

“Right. Well, come in.” Jinyoung invited the other man in, leading the way.

“How was dinner?” Mark asked, once they’ve settled in.

“Food was great.” Jinyoung teased, and laughed when Mark just sat there, staring at him with squinted eyes. “Dinner was fine, hyung. I told Youngjae I’d talk to Jaebum about it.”

“ _And_? What did he say?”

“He was actually quite excited about it. Definitely more cheerful.”

“Really?” Mark asked, a relieved smile on his face. “Maybe I should’ve just went straight to Jaebum after all.”

“No offense hyung, but me talking to him would probably work better don’t you think?” Jinyoung chuckled.

“Right, right.” Mark nodded, agreeing. “Thanks Jinyoung-ah, I’m sure Youngjae would appreciate it a lot.” The man smiled widely, reminding Jinyoung a little bit of an excited puppy.

“I’m meeting him tomorrow, the sooner the better I feel. Hopefully that ass would actually listen to me.”

“Man, thanks a lot. I should buy you lunch or something, to thank you.” Mark offered.

“Well, I won’t refuse free food, hyung.” Jinyoung replied. Excited to get to know Mark again, after all these years.

“I’ll give you my number, call me whenever you’re up for that offer.” Mark then typed in his number into the phone Jinyoung passed him.

 

***

 

 “He said all that?” Jaebum asked, after Jinyoung finished explaining to him what he and Youngjae talked about during dinner the night before.

“Yeah, the kid is worried sick about you, hyung.”

“How can he still think about me, all I did is lash out to him.”

“Hyung, he loves you. I’m worried about you too, but at least I know what’s going on in your mind, I know why you just shut off sometimes but he don’t know that.”

“I just don’t want-”

“I know hyung, you don’t want him to see the _bad_ sides of you but it’s you hyung. I’m sure he’ll love that side of you and you can’t hide it from him forever. You don’t always have to be the one to protect him. Let him help you too.”

 “I will…” Jaebum muttered, trying to convince his friend.

“No, tell him _now_.” Jinyoung instructed, knowing that Jaebum would just procrastinate this if he let him. “We’ve talked about this, and I won’t let you just push it back again. You don’t have to tell him everything at once… But comfort him a little, hyung. Don’t push him away by lashing out on him, it’s just making the both of you miserable.”

“I should apologise.” Jaebum breathed out, more to himself than to Jinyoung.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry guys it's been a week? More than a week? I went on a spree and wrote the 'past' scenes without writing shit for the present :^) But since that part is settled, i'll be updating this in the next couple of days rather than a whole week. As always, lemme know what y'all think! I do already have an ending I'm heading to, so if I'm being too draggy or anything, let me know too. And almost at 80 kudos! Thank you :) 
> 
> p/s : I may or may not have died at yj's and jy's part in Hard Carry


	17. Happiness

Mark was packing his things, cleaning up his guest bedroom - which he had slowly molded to be his mini library- to be a more permanent place to stay for Youngjae. Youngjae had agreed to come back to Seoul, and even when Mark called him just to be extra sure, Youngjae had reassured him that he’ll be fine. Mark was of course, excited to see his dongsaeng again after more than a month, but can’t help but feel worried that Seoul might be too much for him too fast. What if Jaebum learns he’s back and wants to meet him? What if that bastard actually convinces Youngjae? The doorbell rang then, interrupting his trail of thought. He sighed annoyingly, not expecting anyone to visit him that night, but made his way to the door nonetheless.

“What are you doing here?” Was the first thing that escaped his mouth, the second his eyes landed on Jinyoung.

“I would’ve called, but I know you would’ve ignored me.” Jinyoung replied, nonchalantly.

“So, what are you doing here?” Mark asked again, closing the gap of the door.

“We need to talk.” Jinyoung slammed his palm on the door, stopping Mark’s action.

“No we don’t.”

“Hyung!”

“No we _don’t_. And I’m actually kinda busy right now, so-”

“Really? You’re just gonna keep avoiding me? Until when, hyung?” Jinyoung asked, annoyed.

“Until you stop convincing me that Jaebum is a misunderstood saint and that he deserve nothing but love from everyone around him and-” Mark shouted.

“That’s not what I’ve been saying.” Jinyoung interfered, with a long sigh.

“ _AND_ until you own up to your shit!”

“Hyung, please can we talk inside? The neighbours will hear us.” Jinyoung asked calmly, noticing how Mark’s voice sounds even louder thanks to the echo of the hallway.

“Leave, I have nothing to say to you.” Mark replied quietly.

“Then _listen_ , cause I have a lot to say.” Jinyoung snapped.

“What? More lies to feed me?” Mark snorted.

“Hyung! Please...”

“Fine! Do whatever you want.” Mark yelled, stomping back into his apartment angrily, but leaving the door open.

Jinyoung followed him in, noticing the boxes around the living room, and a suitcase. Mark continued packing some books into the boxes, ignoring Jinyoung completely. The other man was standing still, looking around the apartment and taking everything in.

“Are you moving, hyung? Where?” Jinyoung asked, surprised that Jackson didn’t say anything about this.

“None of your business.” Mark retaliated, not stopping.

“Hyung, please…” Jinyoung pleaded defeatedly, and Mark finally stopped, and turned to look at the other man.

“Alright. Fine. What do you want to say to me, Jinyoung? Something that you haven’t already?”

“Are you moving?” Jinyoung started.

“No.”

“Then what’s are all-”

“I’m not moving, that’s all you need to know.” Mark said sharply, cutting the other man off.

“Okay. I- I want to _apologise_.” Jinyoung muttered, looking down. “I’m sorry for not telling you the truth back then.”

“Not accepted.” Mark snapped again. “Continue.”

“I’m serious, hyung. I’m sorry that I-”

“Lied to my face? Making me trust you completely, letting you talk to Youngjae because I actually thought you wanted whats best for him?” Mark sneered.

“That’s exactly why I did it!” Jinyoung defended himself, walking closer to Mark.

“Oh, no. You don’t get to say that.” Mark scoffed, pointing at Jinyoung. “ If you wanted what's best for him, you wouldn’t have kept the things that Jaebum had said. You would’ve told him, or me. It’s not like I asked you to, like a million damn times!”

“How about you, hyung?!” Jinyoung shouted, finally losing it with the treatment Mark had been giving him. “ Would you tell me something that Youngjae told no one but you? Would you tell me the deepest darkest secrets that he shares with you?! No you wouldn’t!”

“I trusted you.” Mark spat, getting angry just at the thought of what had happened.

“No you didn’t!” Jinyoung snapped. “If you had trusted me, you would’ve known I’ve wanted nothing but the best for them. The both of them, not just Jaebum. And you may not see that, because you think Youngjae is better off alone. That Jaebum is shit for him, but don’t you ever wonder that you might be wrong? That maybe, they’re both happier when they’re with each other?” Jinyoung ranted, tired of Mark treating him like a criminal. 

"Are you fucking kidding me? No! I've _never_ wondered that and I'm proven right! That bastard ended up cheating on Youngjae." 

"It wasn't like that in the beginning, you doubted him from the start, never stopped asking Youngjae even when he reassured you that he was happy." 

“You knew Jaebum was growing tired of him, if you had told him, he wouldn’t have had to stay there to see Jaebum drag those people one by one. To the house he lives in, the bed he slept on. Oh and you know why I kept asking Youngjae? Because I know the kid. Longer than you or Jaebum had, I know how he'd bottle everything up and guess what Jinyoung? He even hid the whole cheating thing for months! You don't get to walk in here and tell _me_ that _I_ am in the wrong here.” Mark raged.

“I didn’t know he’d do all that! I didn’t know until months later-”

“And yet you _still_ defend him… So I still don’t see what are you doing here, Jinyoung.”

“I'm apologising, I admit I was wrong so please give me one more chance hyung.” Mark just snorted out a humorless chuckle. “I want Youngjae to be happy too, just like you. Both of them to be happy.”

“Oh, and what do you suggest? Get him back to the man that cheated on him repeatedly?”

“No- No, just… Let Jaebum explain himself. Look, I’m not stupid okay, I know what Jaebum did was unforgivable, and I’m not gonna ask Youngjae to forgive him. But, please, just let them talk it out.”

The words that Youngjae’s mum had said to him echoes back what Jinyoung just said to him, and he stayed quiet.

“Hyung, I’m not even going to ask you to forgive me but please, just don’t try to get in the way of this okay? Jaebum can reach out to Youngjae when he’s ready, and Youngjae can decide for himself if he wants to meet Jaebum. I know you care a lot for him, hyung. And I care a lot for Jaebum too and I realise that it’s not right that I keep babying him, and you shouldn’t too, with Youngjae. I was wrong, hyung for keeping on defending him, but I was the only one he had, I just... I just couldn't leave him. But I was wrong, sometimes, I guess they just have to face these difficulties by themselves to, you know…”

“Learn.” Mark said, finishing Jinyoung’s sentence. He was so convinced that that’s the last thing Youngjae needs, but maybe it’ll will be for the best. Perhaps his over protectiveness of Youngjae is not doing him any good too, he’s an adult. Mark sighed, rubbing his temples, his mind buzzing with his worry for Youngjae.

“I’m not going to meddle in this anymore, hyung. So, I just want to say sorry again, for lying to you. I really did thought I was doing what’s best for _both_ of them, but who’s is it to say what is the best for them? Jaebum was wrong, maybe I’ve defended him way more than I should, and that’s wrong. And I’m sorry if it came across as me not giving any shit about Youngjae, or you even.” Mark kept quiet, just taking his time to process everything Jinyoung had said. “I’m going then, hyung.”

Mark just watched the other man leave, half wanting to call out for him but decided against it when he realised he has nothing to say to the man. Tired, he sank back on his couch, Jinyoung’s word floating in his head with the small advice Youngjae’s mum had given him. He started to think back to all the advices he gave Youngjae and maybe he had been too over protective? He tried to see it from Jinyoung’s perspective as well, and decided that he probably would’ve done the same, had the situation been reversed. Then he thought of Jackson and all the fights they had because of this whole thing, and he can’t help but feel guilty. Maybe it was him that was in the wrong, what if Jinyoung is right? His phone rang then, and he fished it out to see that it’s a call from Jackson.

“Hello?” He pick up the phone.

“Hey babe, have you done packing? Youngjae is coming tomorrow, right?” Jackson’s voice sounded loud and clear through the phone.

“Umm, yeah… Just a little more to go.” He replied quietly.

“You okay? You sound exhausted. Should I come with you? I know you said-” Jackson started to ramble but he cut him off.

“No, Jackson. Listen, Jinyoung-”

“I know, _I know_! I didn’t tell him anything about Youngjae coming back, I promised didn’t I? God, don’t you trust me?” Jackson complained, and Mark could almost see the bitchy eye roll Jackson would always do to annoy him when they’re quarreling.

“.…”

“Mark, you there?”

“I’m sorry.” Mark whispered.

“Huh?”

“I’m sorry, Jackson.” He repeated, a little louder.

“Babe, you’re scaring me. Did something happen?” Jackson asked worriedly.

“I’m sorry I always end up fighting with you. Fighting with everyone.”

“Wait, did you and Jinyoung-”

“He came over.”

“What? I swear, I didn’t say anything!” Jackson defended himself immediately and if it hadn’t been for the whole weight of their conservation, he might’ve even laughed at it.

“I know. I know babe, he just came to… apologise.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“And?” Jackson quipped.

“I didn’t say anything. He just asked me to give space to Youngjae and Jaebum to settle this by themselves. That I should stop being so overprotective.”

“...”

“What do you think, Jackson? Have I been too much? Youngjae told me nothing, keeping quiet about the cheating for months. Jinyoung lied to me, but maybe it was for the best, who knows. Is it me? Was what I doing so wrong? I just wanted to help.”

“Mark, honey, of course it’s not. You’re worried about Youngjae cause you cared for him. That’s a good thing.”

“But he was hiding it from me… I just wanted to be someone he can share everything with, an older brother that would look out for him but I’ve failed that too. I even ended up arguing with you, almost breaking up with you…” Mark sighed.

“That’s in the past, okay?” Jackson reassured him. “And that’s my fault too, I shouldn’t had just defended Jaebum blindly like that. And you didn’t tell Youngjae about us, why is it such a surprise the other way around? He just don’t want you to worry about him, the same way you don’t want him to worry about you.”

“I just wanted to help…” He repeated, helplessly.

“I know, baby. I know. And I love you. Because of how caring you are, so don’t ever be sorry of that. And thanks to you, Youngjae actually got out of that situation. It is for the best, for him at least. And that's the important thing, not the relationship. And that's why I stopped talking to Jaebum in the first place remember? Because he just, he was just digging his own grave. And it’s never too late, Mark. You have Jinyoung’s number, to call and talk it out with him, maybe you need that too. And you’ll have all the time now to talk to Youngjae about it. You were doing what you think was best, in a way it wasn’t any different from what Jinyoung was doing. Don’t’ feel sorry.”

“Thanks babe.” Mark smiled, feeling better.

“About tomorrow, are you sure, you don’t want me to drive? Cause I told-” Jackson started again and Mark just needed to stop him immediately. 

“Yes! I’m _sure,_ you idiot.” Mark chuckled.

“Are you really though?”

“Yes, I’m hanging up.”

“Wait! … Are you still there?”

“Yeah?” Mark asked, softly.

“I love you.”

“Love you too. Thanks Jackson, I’ll see you day after.” And he hung up, a small smile on his face at the thought of his mostly loud sometimes obnoxious but always lovely boyfriend.


	18. Ride

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that this is technically in the present, but due to the flashbacks here, I'm gonna leave it on a 'past' chapter.

Youngjae looked out the window, looking at the town of Mokpo getting left behind. He’s passed the road so many times, he almost memorises the exact places of the shops and houses around the area. One of the cafés caught his attention, and he can’t help but smile a little at the memory of what had happened at the café subconsciously springs up in his mind.

“My mum will _kill_ me if he knows we’re here, but their cakes are the best in town, you just have to eat some before we leave.” He whispers into Jaebum’s ear, with him clinging to the man tightly by his side.

“You know you don’t have to whisper that right? We’re quite a distance away from your home, Jae." Jaebum chuckled, amused by his boyfriend’s antics, looking left and right before inching forward step by step.

“Never underestimate my mum hyung. She have eyes and ears everywhere, that’s lesson one of the family hyung. You should know that.”

“Oh, I’m family?” Jaebum teases, smiling at the way the younger man looked at him like he had offended seven generation of his family.

“Of course you are hyung! What kind of stupid question is that?” The younger one complained, poking his side in mock anger.

“Should I change my name then? Choi Jaebum.” The older one continued teasing, and that cracked Youngjae up.

“Choi Jaebum? Sure hyung, it has a nice ring to it.” The younger one laughed, before continuing. “So would that make me Im Youngjae? Would the kids have your name or mine?”

“We’re having kids?”

“Of course, three girls and one boy.”

“Why one boy?”

“Well he’ll be the oldest, so he can look after his younger sisters of course.”

They then reached the counter and ordered the food that they wanted. Arguing which ones would be their children’s favourite, and Youngjae laughing out loud every two seconds. They’ve decided that their daughters would love red velvet and their son is a tiramisu kind of kid. The rest of their meal was spent on choosing names and the characters of their imaginary kids, even adding a few pets into the mix.

***

“What are you smiling about?” Mark’s voice snapped him back into the present, and his smile dropped almost instantly.

“Nothing, just remembered something.” He replied, looking away from the window, focusing on his phone instead.

“Excited for Seoul? The kids missed you.” Youngjae smiled again, at the thoughts of the kindergarten kids.

“Excited to see them again, I hope they haven’t forgotten what I’ve thought them.” He sighed, remembering how hard it was to teach the kids just few keys of the piano.

“I tried to keep up with your lesson plan, but you know they never listen to me.” Mark shook his head, chuckling.

“Hmm… Remind me again just how did you become a teacher?” Youngjae poked on.

“Because they love me.” Mark grinned and just like that another memory started flooding him.

***

It had been a fairly long week, Youngjae having to cover not one but a couple of the other teachers they work with because of an emergency. He tried to take as much rest as he could, but the time he spent with the kids eventually took a toll on him and he ended up not paying close enough attention to the kids that one of them ended up putting a piece of building block into his mouth and started to choke on it. The kid managed to spit it out a second later, and was sent to the nurse and everything was completely fine, but with these situations, it’s strictly made necessary to inform the parents immediately.

As expected, the parents came to the kindergarten and scolded him for it. He accepted it silently, and even when Mark tried to talk to the parents instead, he had stopped him because whether it was intentional or not, it was his fault and the parents had complete right to reprimand him. Still, he can’t help but feel his guts twisting as they continued on yelling at him, and demanding Mark to not let him teach any of their kid’s classes again.

Mark comforted him, but the stress and the exhaustion of the week made him depressed and even though he didn’t want to trouble Jaebum about it, he was glad that Jaebum noticed how low his spirits was the second he reached home.

“You okay, baby?” Jaebum hugged him, before setting down on the couch, pulling him down to sit in between his legs.

“Yeah, just a long day at work.” He sighed, laying his head on the older one’s chest and wrapping his arm around his waist.

“Talking about it would make you feel way better.” Jaebum chirped, rubbing Youngjae’s back and leaving a kiss on his forehead.

“A kid’s parents came and scolded me today.” Youngjae started, words muffled with the way he’s hiding his face on Jaebum’s chest. “I wasn’t paying enough attention, and the kid almost swallowed a toy.”

“The kid’s fine though, right?”

“Yeah, he spat it back out the next second but… I understand where the parents are coming from, I deserved it.”

“It was an accident.”

“But that’s what I was there for, to prevent these accidents and I _failed_.”

“Hey, it could happen to anyone. Don’t beat yourself up for it.”

“You sound like Mark hyung.” Youngjae snorted.

“Because it’s true. Now you’d be more careful, and like you said, he spat it back out the next second, nothing serious happened.”

“But it could’ve.”

“Well, it didn’t. And you’ve been tired these past days, it’s understandable. You’re just human, and human makes mistakes. _Especially_ when they’re sleep deprived.”

“I know, I just feel… Bad. I feel guilty, those parents send their kids to us, trusting us to keep them safe and… I should’ve been more careful. I’ve failed as their teacher.”

“Hey, don’t say that!” Jaebum tsked, pinching the younger man’s thigh lightly. Youngjae yelped and looked up to Jaebum with a frown. “You’re a great teacher, and you love your kids. And guess what? They love you too, like a lot. Not as much as me, but they love you. They won’t love someone who sucks. You're an amzing teacher, you hear me?” He ended it with another kiss on his forehead, and Youngjae felt can’t lie and say it didn’t help him feel better.

“Thanks, hyung.” He kissed Jaebum’s cheek and snuggled up to his warmth.

“Anytime, baby.” Jaebum replied, hands resting on the younger’s neck, playing with the buzzed hair of his undercut.

“Thank God tomorrow is Saturday. I just want to sleep all weekend.” He yawned, and snuggled in closer to Jaebum, feeling his eyes closing. Like a cat almost, feeling relaxed with the way Jaebum’s nails feels massaging his scalp.

***

“Youngjae, did you hear me?” Mark asked a little louder when he noticed the younger one was not paying any attention.

“Huh? What, hyung?”

“I said I’m stopping at the coming rest area and if you’d wanna grab lunch there at one go?”

“Uh, yeah… Sure.” Youngjae mumbled.

“Youngjae-ah, do you wanna go back? You’ve been kinda out of it since we left Mokpo.” Mark asked, worried about the younger one.

“No, hyung. I’m fine. Been doing that quite a lot lately.”

“What’s been filling up your mind?” Mark asked, even though it wasn’t that hard to guess. Youngjae kept quiet, biting his lips the way he’d do when he feel anxious. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.” He continued, deciding not to press on it what with the conversation he had with Jinyoung still fresh in his mind.

“Honestly, nothing much hyung. Just reminiscing I suppose.” Youngjae replied.

“About?”

“You know what.” Youngjae snorted. “Or should I say who.”

“Youngjae-“ Mark started but was interjected.

“Don’t.” He sighed. “Just don’t, hyung. I don’t want to talk about it and I already know what you’re gonna say anyway.”

“What do you think I was gonna say?” Mark asked softly after a few seconds of silence.

“Really, hyung?” Youngjae scoffed, suddenly feeling agitated with the clueless way Mark is acting today.

“Yeah, really.”

“Well you’re just gonna remind me how big of an asshole he is, which I already know. You’re gonna tell me a list of reasons why I should not even think about him, which I also already know. You’re gonna try and comfort me- “ Youngjae explained exasperatedly before Mark interrupted him.

“I just wanted to _help_ you.”

“Well, pointing out the _obvious_ is not really helping!” Youngjae stressed out with a raised voice. “I know you mean well, but it’s not easy for you can't just expect me to just dump him in a second.”

“What would _you_ do, if you’re in my position? What if it was me who was clinging on to someone who was cheating on me for months?!” Mark cried out in frustration.

“But it wasn’t! It wasn’t you that he was cheating on! It was me, _stop making it about you!_ ” The younger one shouted, and Mark was completely taken aback, because the younger one never even once raised his voice in anger to him.

“W- What are implying?” Mark asked, stopping the car the second they reached the rest area.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This started off as me wanting to write fluffy 2jae moments and ended up with well.. a cliffhanger~


	19. Doctor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is another mixed chapter, with present and past. The next one would be the same too, I think... I hope it's not confusing, but I think the story is still going forward, so it still makes sense. Let me know! And this is Jaebum's appointment with the shrink so I'm gonna apologise beforehand if I'm getting everything wrong, because I personally had only been to a couple of appointments few years back, and basically I was just asked questions, so I figured this would be logical enough.

”Tell me what you remember about your real parents.”

I was four? Maybe three, I could barely remember it but the day I first entered the church is probably the earliest memory I have. It seemed so huge, towering and intimidating. Everyone there was tall and at first, very intimidating too. I remember holding on to someone’s hand, it was thin, frail, very bony. I think that that was my mum, but maybe it’s just my mind doing it. You know, when your own mind starts creating things, and you think they’re your memory but they never really happened.

“Out of all the foster homes you’ve been in, did any of them remind you of a parent?”

The last one. She was abused by her husband, all bruised up, looking like she’ll break at any second. Maybe that’s exactly why I think of her as a parent, because she reminds me of my mum, or at least the mum I have in my memory.

“Did she love you?”

Love? I don’t think so.

“Why do you think so?”

She was too scared to feel love. All I saw in her eyes were _fear_.

“But she feared her husband, not you.”

You don’t get it, when someone was in that much fear, I don’t think she even remembers what love feels like, let alone feel it anymore.

“You don’t think someone that feels fear can feel love?”

Not when someone is that scared, no.

“Do _you_ feel fear, Jaebum-shi?”

Don’t we all?

“Indeed. So are we all not able to love?”

Fear is… Fear is funny. Sometimes the smallest things, or the stupidest things will trigger it like insects, or snakes. There are also the ones that is a bit more difficult to overcome, like the fear of death. But death is imminent, there’s no way around it and everyone knows it. Then there are these fears that is build and it keeps on piling, after years and years of experiencing it, it becomes second nature almost. To the point that everything just blacks out and all you feel, all you know is fear.

“What do you fear?”

…

 

***

 

“Hyung? How was today’s appointment?” Jinyoung asked, voice blaring out of the speaker of Jaebum’s phone.

“It was fine, the usual.” He replied, lying down on the new bed with his hands behind his head.

“Have you eaten dinner?”

“Yeah, had some on the way back. There’s a small cafe near this new apartment.”

“When is your next appointment?”

“Next Thursday.” Jaebum closed his eyes then, trying to get comfortable.

“How many more appointments have you had scheduled up?”

“She said it depends, how much I need. It could even be a once a month thing, once I’m feeling better.”

“Glad to hear that, hyung.” Jinyoung replied honestly.

“Umm, Jinyoung-ah…”

“Yeah?”

“Have you heard anything… From you know…”

“I haven’t, but Jackson said not to worry about him, I’m sure he’s fine.”

“He’s not in Seoul, is he?” Jaebum asked, knowing the answer.

“I don’t think so hyung.”

“Probably in Mokpo then.”

“Hyung, don’t think about it, focus on getting yourself better.” Jinyoung added on quickly, not wanting Jaebum to stress himself again and putting all his effort to get better to waste.

“I will… God, you’re such a nag, _mum._ ” Jaebum teased, even though he’s eternally grateful for his caring friend.

“Yeah yeah… Make sure you brush your teeth before you sleep, oh and don’t worry there’s no monsters under your bed.” Jinyoung joked back.

“Ass.” Jaebum snorted, before hanging up, with a little smile.

 

***

“Have you thought about it?”

Yes. I think that… I fear _myself_.

“Why?”

I’m never good news. I don’t bring good news, I only carry bad things with me, and I’m scared that it’ll only hurt the people around me.

“So to not hurt them, you _hurt_ them.”

It’s different.

“How?”

Because if they hate me, they can move on. Hate is easy.

“Do you think Youngjae hates you?”

…

 

***

 

Jaebum remembers the first time he told the younger one _‘I love you’._ He remembers the second and third one as well, because he had only said it three times, while the younger one had said it to him millions of times. Youngjae would say _‘I love you’_ every morning, with a coffee in one hand. Every night, with a kiss good night and his warm body snuggling close to him. And sometimes deep into the night, with him pining the younger one’s body down with his own and he’s buried deep in his lover, face hiding in the crook of his boyfriend’s neck, biting and leaving tiny red splotches because Youngjae just loves it when he does that. And he loves to hear the way Youngjae would whine and pant breathlessly next to his ear, begging just for a little more, a little harder. And when he does go deeper, harder, Youngjae would moan out his name as his body shook in ecstasy. A minute later, when they’ve both calmed their breathing down, Youngjae would kiss him deeply, and he’d whisper _‘I love you’_ with his hoarse voice.

Jaebum said _‘I love you’_ for the first time when it was raining, and they were stuck at the bus stop together, just the two of them. Youngjae was telling him about his day, a huge smile at his face, cheeks red from the cold. His hair was wet, because he had insisted on just running home, before Jaebum pulled him back under the shade. His hands was stretched out, playing with the rain even after Jaebum warned him he might get sick. Jaebum was staring at him, how beautiful the younger man was and he got choked up at how lucky he was to have met him, to have fallen for him and more than anything for the younger man to actually love him back. “You’re beautiful” He whispers, and the younger one turned to look at him with raised brows. “Did you say something, hyung?”

_“I love you.”_

 

***

 

“Tell me more about Youngjae.”

He was… No, he is. He is the brightest, happiest, friendliest and loveliest human being out there. Sunshine, everyone would call him, and it’s fitting too.

“Do you love him?”

I do. I think so.

“Are you not sure?”

I do, I love him more than anything, but if I did, surely I wouldn’t had treated him so miserably?

“Does he love you?”

…

 

***

 

“Are you not even going to defend yourself?!” Youngjae shouted, tears streaming down his face as he started throwing anything within his reach at Jaebum. He didn’t avoid it, and he didn’t say a word either, he just kept quiet, looking down at Youngjae’s feet. “Jaebum!!” He still kept quiet, even when Youngjae marched towards him and grabbed him by the collar, shaking him back and forth. “You told me it was fine! I thought we were better so why, hyung? Why did you…” The younger one cried, no longer shaking him; just holding on to Jaebum’s shirt with shaky hands.

He asked why, repeatedly until the word was not even coherent anymore. It was swallowed down by the younger man’s whimpers and broken sobs. He continued to cry, each sob tearing out of him so painfully, his whole body was shaking and all he could do was hold on tight to Jaebum, the very cause of his misery. Youngjae started hitting him, wanting him to say something, anything. He hit him because maybe then Jaebum would realise that the joke is not funny, and would tell Youngjae the punch line. He hit him because a part of him wanted his hand to pass through Jaebum because this isn’t real life, it’s just a nightmare. He hit Jaebum because, even if it is only slightly, he wanted Jaebum to feel the pain he’s going through.

They stood there for what seemed like hours, under the unforgiving white fluorescent light of the living room. The takeout food was still lying haphazardly on the floor next to the bedroom’s door where Youngjae had dropped them, tinting the air with the smell of Thai food. He stopped hitting the man because he grew too tired and eventually his legs gave out too, and he fell to his knees, Jaebum falling down with him, arms wrapped around him to catch his fall. He was not crying anymore, and he just looked up at Jaebum, who had tears rolling down his cheeks too, and his lips red like he had been biting on it. And for the first time, Youngjae didn’t recognise the man he was staring at.

“I thought you loved me.”

 

***

 

“Well?”

He loved me. And I made him hate me.

“Isn’t that what you wanted?”

No! I mean yes, but- That’s the only way for him to leave me. I didn’t want him to hate me, I just needed him to leave me.

“But you said he made you happy?”

He did, I was the happiest I’ve ever been.

“So why made him leave?”

Because I started to have those dreams, and I was going down the spiral again. If he had stayed with me, I would’ve made him miserable. I don’t want him to look back, ten years from now and regret staying with me so I had to make him leave. It’s the best for him. It’s the _least_ I could do for him.

“You’ve never told him anything about the dreams you’ve had? The mood swings you go through?”

No.

“Why? Are you scared he’ll leave you?”

No- I’m scared… I’m scared he’d _hate_ me.

“But isn’t that what you did, make him hate you?”

But that wasn’t me. I mean it is, but I created that person. The asshole, useless son of a bitch, I created him. That is the person Youngjae hates, so it’s fine. But the me that has those dreams, I don’t think I can handle it if he hates that me, because I have no control over that.

“Don’t you _trust_ him to love you regardless?”

…

 

***

 

Jaebum woke up, drenched in sweat and his breathing rapid. Youngjae was sleeping still, next to him too deep in slumber to notice him moving around, getting out of bed. Jaebum went to the bathroom first, and washed the sweat off of his face, before heading to the kitchen for a glass of water. The apartment was dark, except for the bathroom light, it being enough to lead Jaebum around thanks to him knowing the apartment like the back of his hand, having stayed there for almost two years.

He turned on the tv, turning the volume as low as he could to not wake Youngjae up, but just enough for it to buzz in the background, stopping him from thinking about the dream he just had. The shapes on the tv moved around, but he wasn’t paying attention, he just needed the shapes and colours to distract his eyes from seeing a small child moving from houses to houses, he needed the glass of water to fill him so the ghost of emptiness doesn’t take it’s residence back in him.

Try as he might, the trick never did work for him. Eventually the dream would start replaying in his head and he wouldn’t be able to shake off the sight of the beaten up lady, her cries ringing in his head. He thought he had let go of the kid that had nowhere to call home, no one to call his but apparently the kid had been holding tightly to him, and he sighed deeply when he realised that maybe they will never let go. They might hide, but they’ll always come back, to haunt him.

 

***

 

“Do you agree that to love there must be trust?”

I guess so.

“So do you love him?”

I do.

“Are you sure?”

It’s not that I don’t trust him, I was just too scared to take that gamble. _I don’t trust myself_.

“They say, one must learn to love himself, before one can love others. Do you agree?”

…

 

***

 

“You don’t have to call me to check in every single day, Jinyoung.” Jaebum grumbled, lowering the volume of the tv to hear the other end of the line.

“I know I don’t, I do it because I want to.” Jinyoung countered.

“Well, before you ask I’ll just tell you. The appointment went fine. Yes, I’ve had dinner. No, I haven’t had much nightmares lately. And yes, I’m feeling better Jinyoungie.”

“ _Good_.”

“Anything else you want to remind me?” Jaebum asked, acting a little too smart for his own good.

“Don’t get sassy hyung, I’m just looking out for you here.” Jinyoung snapped, his tone light however.

“I can look out for myself perfectly fine. Shouldn’t you be busy with work? I’m surprised you have so much time to spare to be spent on calling me, unnecessarily, might I add.”

“Oh please, you never talk more than five minutes anyway. And the workload has been kinda light lately.”

“Well use it to catch up on your sleep then, stop harassing me.” Jaebum retorted, with no bite.

“Don’t be mean, I’m just making sure you’re okay.”

“I am. Seriously, I really am, I’m taking care of myself Jinyoung-ah, I swear.” Jaebum hummed and Jinyoung decided that it’s safe to not call him every single day anymore.

“Alright then hyung, but call me okay? If anything?” He added, before hanging up.

“Of course.”

 

***

 

“Do you love yourself, Jaebum-shi?”

Yes… Or at least I’m learning to. Jinyoung helps a lot with it, makes it easier for me. These appointments helps too, talking about it makes it easier, a lot easier. And the fact that Youngjae left helps too actually.

“How so?”

Because- I- I don’t want to end up there again. I don’t want to wake up one day and enter that spiral again. Youngjae leaving is the worst thing that could happen, and I don’t want to end up in a situation worse than that. I should’ve came to therapy ages ago, but with Youngjae leaving, that was the final push I needed. And eye opener…. of some sort.

“That’s a great improvement, Jaebum-shi.”

A little too _late_ , doctor.

“You realise where you went wrong, don’t you?”

…

“Jaebum-shi?”

Yeah, I think I see it now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The fic reached the triple digits in kudos!! ;D omg omg omg omg thank you thank you thank you~  
> p/s : these are ofc just snippets of their appointments over the weeks, not the entire thing. Just ask me if you're confused about any details, and I'll try to explain them w/o spoiling :0


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Been feeling like shit and I needed a cheerer upper so this happened, just ignore this tbh . I'll be updating tmrw~   
> p/s this happened wayyy before everything, probs a week or two into college (for youngjae)

“Hyung, have you had sex?” The second Mark heard the words spilling out of Youngjae’s mouth, he started to choke on the coffee that he was drinking.

“Hyung, are you okay?!” Youngjae asked worriedly, rubbing Mark’s back as the older one started to cough.

“Youngjae, _what the hell?_ ” Mark asked, red faced with tears in his eyes, trying to get air back into his lung.

“I was just… Curious.” The younger one just shrugged nonchalantly. “Well, have you, hyung?”

“Umm.. I mean- I guess.” Mark replied, spluttering a bit in shyness.

“You guess?” Youngjae asked, confused at Mark’s reply. “You’re not sure if you’re still a virgin?”

“Youngjae!” Mark snapped, shocked at the younger one’s bluntness, especially considering the fact that they’re at his mom’s cafe. “Being a little too loud, don’t you think?” He whispered.

“Oh, sorry hyung.” Youngjae apologised sheepishly, but repeated the question he asked in a whisper.

“Where is this even coming from, Youngjae-ah?” Mark sighed, hoping that his face isn’t as scarlet as he thinks it is.

“It’s just… I don’t know much about it. I mean, like yeah, I watched porn and stuff-” Mark just stared at the younger one, mouth hanging open. Youngjae just rolled his eyes at his hyung’s reaction. “Hyung, I’m not a prude. Of course I’ve watched them before.”

“Yeah, but I don’t need to know that.” Mark frowned, a little disappointment that his innocent little dongsaeng is not as innocent as he thought. “Anyways, as I was saying. I do know what to do, but… I’m scared I’ll do it wrong.” Youngjae muttered, looking away as he felt a hint of bashfulness.

“Do what wrong?” Mark asked again, his mind still not comprehending much of what is even going on with this conversation. “Like, you know.. What if I suck-”

“ _YOUNGJAE!_ ” Mark shouted but Youngjae continued with what he was saying.

“Suck at _doing things_ hyung. I was going to say, suck at doing things not suck something else.”

“Oh.” Mark replied, scratching the neck of his neck in awkwardness.

“For your sake hyung, I won’t go into details because you look like you’re about to burst but yeah, what if I suck in bed?” Youngjae asked, all serious again. Mark just stared at his coffee for a few seconds, trying the best way to explain the birds and the bees to Youngjae which is usually awkward enough as it is, no matter who does the talking. But it certainly doesn’t help when Mark had always been so over protective of the younger one because Youngjae just screams innocence and naiveness to him. Though of course, there had been a lot of times Youngjae proved that to be wrong, now that he thinks of it.

“Youngjae, are you seeing someone?” Mark decided to ask that first, and see how to go on from there.

“Well no.” Youngjae sighed, and rested his face on the crook of his elbow on he table, fingers playing with his empty mug. “But now that I started college, I’d probably find someone.” Mark barely heard what the younger one was trying to say, because it was muffled by his arm.

“Or you won’t.” Mark replied, before stopping to gather the words to explain it to the younger one in the way he had intended it to mean. But Youngjae, took the silence as a full stop.

“I- I mean I _might_! Like I know I don’t- And I-” Youngjae started stammering, flushed because Mark basically just implied he can’t even find anyone.

“Youngjae, that’s not what I meant. I mean, you probably won’t find someone on the first day itself. And even if you do, you shouldn’t just jump into bed with them, you should get to know them first Youngjae.” Mark explained himself, surprising himself at how eloquent he was despite the awkwardness of the situation.

“Hyung, of course I won’t just jump into bed with them.” Youngjae muttered, red as a tomato.

“Then there's nothing to worry about. I'm sure you’ll just get into a rhythm with whoever you’ll date and if you two trust each other, he’d be willing to wait. If he's not, then dump his ass. And who knows? Maybe you would be his first too?” Mark reassured the younger one, again surprising himself at the sudden burst of confidence on his part.

“Thanks hyung.” Youngjae replied, the familiar smile on his face again and a bit of weight lifted off his shoulders. “I was being worried for no reason, huh?”

“If anything you should be worried about _actually_ finding someone first.” Mark said bluntly, again meaning nothing but the best for Youngjae.

“Ah hyung!” The younger one grumbled, before standing up and leaving Mark alone on the table. And Mark just watched the younger one walked away, confused. _‘Did I say something wrong?’_ He wondered.


	21. Mint Chocolate

“You’ve never approved of him, right from the start!”

 

***

 

Youngjae had spent the last five hours, prepping for his exams and was rightfully exhausted, but when Yugyeom called in sick at the last minute, he had no choice but to go and lend a hand at the cafe. He don’t blame the boy of course, but knowing said boy, he know fully that the kid could actually just be lying; God knows it won’t be the first time he had done it.

“You know I could’ve helped you, right?” Mark asked, sipping on his latte, leaning against the counter. The cafe was quiet, a little over the dinner rush, and Youngjae felt like every single bone in his body weighed a tonne.

“I'm fine, just tired. I know you had your finals you’re prepping for too.” Youngjae sighed, massaging his legs.

“That’s a month away, plus an hour or two wouldn’t had hurt me. Just call me next time okay?” Mark replied, looking at Youngjae concernedly.

“Hopefully there won’t be a next time. I feel like I could just pass out right now.”

“You sure do look like you’re gonna pass out.” Mark muttered, reaching out to check the younger’s temperature but Youngjae swatted his hand away.

“Hyung! I told you I’m fine. I’m not a child, stop babying me.” Youngjae pouted and Mark just rolled his eyes at that.

“One year into college and you’re a big boy, now huh?”

“I’ve always been, you’re just not getting it through your head, hyung.” Mark wanted to reply, but his head turned to the direction of the registrar where a customer just dinged the bell.

“Hi, can I order?” A man asked, smiling at him and it’s the same man that had been visiting the cafe very frequently lately.

“What can I get you, sir?” Youngjae asked, walking away from where he was chatting with Mark to key in the man’s order.

“I’ve told you to just call me Jaebum hyung, Youngjae. Or just hyung is fine.” The guy, Jaebum, smiled before looking up at the list of drinks the cafe offers, missing the way Youngjae’s cheek blushed a little. “Umm, what do you recommend today, Youngjae?”

“Today’s special is mint chocolate, hyung.” Youngjae replied, praying that his face doesn't turn any redder even though he can feel his face warming up with he blood rushing, thanks to the way Jaebum is looking at him softly, with a small smile.

“Is it any good?” Jaebum asked, leaning against the counter, face inching closer towards the younger man’s. He smirked a little when Youngjae’s eyes widened, comically almost and turned a shade crimson as he automatically pulled his face back.

“Uh- yeah- It’s um… One of my favourites.” Youngjae stammered.

“Great, I’ll have one of that and an iced americano. To go.” Jaebum stood up straight again, fishing out his wallet.

“That’ll be 18.95” Youngjae keyed in the order and accepted the cash Jaebum handed him, and if his hands flinched a little when their fingers touched, none of them said a word. (Though both of them were well aware of the blush on the younger man’s face and the smile on the older man’s.)

Youngjae watched as Jaebum walked to a table near the door, sitting down with his phone in his hand as he waits for his order. He wasn’t even aware of how he was blatantly staring, not until Mark poked his arm.

“Youngjae?”

“Mmm?” He hummed, turning his attention back towards Mark.

“Who was that guy? A classmate?” Mark asked, having watched the whole exchange that had happened earlier.

“No, but he’s from the uni too, hyung. 3rd year, I think.”

“You seem pretty cozy, didn’t know you had senior friends.”

“He comes here all the time, and he’s just very friendly, that’s all.”

“Friendly? As in just _friends_?”

“Ah, hyung. Where are you going with this?” Youngjae sighed.

“He’s looking at you all weird, I don’t like it.” Mark answered, staring at said man.

“Seriously, hyung? You don’t even know him. He’s really nice okay?” Youngjae grumbled, and pulled Mark’s face to face him. “So stop staring at him!” He whispered angrily.

“What’s his name, again?” Mark asked, innocently.

“Jaebum, Im Jaebum. Why?” Youngjae asked, with a raised eyebrow, smelling something fishy. Before Mark could answer however, another server had passed him Jaebum’s drink to be handed to him.

“So Im Jaebum-shi. 3rd year, our uni.” Mark muttered, to himself, looking at Youngjae bringing the man’s drinks over to him.

“Here’s your drinks, hyung.” Youngjae said, placing the drinks on the table.

“Thanks, Youngjae-ah. See you tomorrow.” Jaebum grabbed the americano, and stood up to leave, but Youngjae called him as he was halfway out the door.

“Jaebum hyung! Your mint choco!” He grabbed the drink and chased after the man when he didn’t stop. “Hyung, wait!” Youngjae shouted again, and Jaebum did turn this time.

“That’s for you.” Jaebum pointed to the drink in the younger man’s hand.

“What?” Youngjae asked, dumbfounded.

“It’s one of your favourites right? I got it for you, cutie.” Jaebum winked before walking away again, and Youngjae was too shell shocked to even chase after him again.

 

***

 

“How could I? He sounded exactly like the bad news I thought he was!”

 

***

 

“Youngjae, does that Jaebum kid still comes by the cafe often?” Mark asked, peeking out of his book to look at the boy sitting across from him, in the library.

“Hmm? Yeah, everyday.” Youngjae replied, looking up from his work.

“Is he still buying you drinks?”

“Kind of.” Youngjae blushed, turning away from Mark.

“You know you can just stop him from buying you drinks.”

“I kind of _don’twanthimtostop._ ” Youngjae mumbled, a little too fast but Mark managed to catch it all.

“What?” Mark gawked. “You like that guy? Since when?!”

“I don’t know.. He’s just so nice, and I think I… _maybe_ , have a small crush on him.” Youngjae blurted, a little shy to talk about it.

“No.” Mark burst out, dropping his book on the table.

“What, no?” Youngjae asked, confused.

“I mean _no_ , you can’t. Haven’t you heard anything about him? He’s like, known for having ten girlfriends at a time.”

“That’s ridiculous hyung.” Youngjae laughed, not exactly the reaction Mark expected. “Where do you even hear this kind of stuff?”

“I may have asked around.”

“You did what?” It was Youngjae’s turn to gawk.

“I told you, he was looking at you all weird! I just wanted to make sure that he’s… decent.” Mark shrugged, and Youngjae’s jaw dropped, shocked at how ridiculous Mark is being.

“Hyung-” Youngjae started but Mark cut him off.

“I’m serious okay, ask anyone! He doesn't really have a good reputation in the relationship department.”

“You’re too much, hyung.” Youngjae retaliated, before getting up and leaving.

 

***

 

“It was just rumours, and you believed them blindly! You judged him before he even had the chance to say anything to you, or anything to me, even! He was never even pissed at how cold you were being to him, even after we started dating; even though my dating life had nothing to do with you.”

 

***

 

“Mark don’t really like me that much, huh?” Jaebum asked one day, as they were walking at the park, hand in hand.

“He just wants what's best for me.” Youngjae chuckled, hoping Jaebum won’t take offense at Mark’s cold shoulders. “Sorry.”

“Nah, I don’t blame him.” Jaebum squeezed his hand then, before placing his hands over the younger one’s shoulder. “I understand him. After all, someone like you deserve nothing but the best.”

“That’s too cheesy, hyung.” Youngjae muttered, elbowing the man and Jaebum just pulled him in closer.

“Doesn’t make it less true.”

“Hyung!” Youngjae whined, turning red.

“Okay, I’ll stop, I’ll stop.” Jaebum laughed, and Youngjae can’t help but to chuckle a little too. “Since my prince deserve nothing but the best.” Jaebum chimed in and that’s when Youngjae pushed him away, walking away quickly so that Jaebum can’t see his red face. He could hear Jaebum cackling behind him, and it surprises him how comfortable they already are considering today was only their second date, well, an official date anyway, not the ones he thought he'd been having.

“I hate you.” The younger one mumbled when Jaebum caught up to him, his hand finding it’s rightful place back in Youngjae’s again.

“Wow, second date and already a lie?”

“Technically we kinda had been dating-but-not-really for a while now.” Youngjae recounted.

“That’s on you for not realising my feelings for you sooner, you brat.”

“I already knew your feeling, in fact you're the one that didn't know mine. Plus, who asked you to take forever before confessing?” He retaliated.

“Well, for instance. There was Mark who shoot daggers at me whenever I was near a ten meter radius from you.” Jaebum recalled, with a shrug.

“Was he that scary, hyung?” Youngjae asked, feeling a little guilty again.

“As scary as a evil mother in law could get. I guess.” Jaebum teased, and Youngjae smiled at that.

“He is _such_ a mum.”

“And that’s why it’s fine Youngjae.” Jaebum mused. “I know it’s just because he’s _worried about you_.”


	22. Give Up

“Maybe if you had listened to me right from the beginning, we wouldn’t even be in this mess.” Mark shouted, not believing his own ears. Not believing how Youngjae could even think that he’s at fault for any reason.

“There’s no _we_ , hyung! Don’t you get it?! Why do you always have to put yourself in this, ' _mess'_?” Youngjae shouted back, hands quoting the word mess. “ _YOU_ don’t have to, okay? No one even asked you to be in it!”

“Wanting what’s best for you is wrong now?”

“Best for me or for you? You might be able to dump someone like him in a second, but I can’t. _Me_ , the person in this relationship, I can’t just do that!”

“So you just sit there and let him treat you like trash?! That’s your solution?”

“I was dealing with it, I might be slow, but I was dealing with it, I don’t need you to remind me every other minute of how pathetic I was.”

“God knows if I hadn’t been there, you’d still be in that apartment, watching him drag those people in one by one.” Mark snapped.

“ _No one asked you to save me_ , I didn’t need your saving. You’re getting angry watching me be an idiot for Jaebum when you don’t even have to.” Youngjae sneered, staring at Mark with accusing eyes.

“Of course I had to, don’t you get it?” The older one pointed out.

“No, hyung, _you_ don’t get it. You don’t get to be angry for me, I was the one he cheated on-” The younger one started to rant, but Mark had had enough.

“Then why did you come to me! Why did you come to me in tears?! You’re claiming you didn’t ask me but the _second_ you showed up to my doorstep, that was asking me Youngjae! I know that it’s _you_ he cheated on, that’s why it’s ten times worse! I should’ve pulled you out of there sooner.” Mark exploded, elbowing the door in anger.

“No, you shouldn’t. You should _‘have’_ nothing, hyung. I showed up to your doorstep because I needed your shoulder to cry on. I needed that, not for you to go all _ballistic_ on my relationship.” Youngjae replied harshly.

“ _Ballistic?_ ” Mark scoffed. “You know what ballistic would’ve been? Ballistic would’ve been me marching straight to your apartment and beating the living shit of of that asshole. But I didn’t. Ballistic would’ve been me forcefully dragging you out of there myself. Ballistic would’ve been ringing up your parents to drag you back to Mokpo if needed. That’s ballistic. But I never did any of those, because you asked me not to. But I should’ve, God knows I should’ve.” Youngjae couldn’t reply anything then, as tears streamed down his face.

They stayed quiet then, except for the sniffs Youngjae would let out once in awhile. Mark had tears in his eyes too, and his knuckles were white around the steering wheel. Both of them were trying to calm down, the whole explosion so unexpected, it took a little toll on both of them. After a while, Mark started the engine again.

“Where are you going, hyung?” Youngjae croaked, wiping his tears.

“Mokpo.”

“What?”

“You want me out, right? I’ll get out now. You’re right, I shouldn't had butt in in the first place.” Mark said monotonously, completely emotionless.

“Hyung, I-”

“I should’ve kept quiet when I saw him flirting with you. I should’ve kept quiet even when I heard all those rumours about him. I should’ve greeted him with open arms, and hey, maybe I should’ve even _set you two up myself_! And even when you came crying, I should’ve just closed the door and called Jaebum to pick you up, shouldn’t I? When he sleeps around, I should’ve comforted you and told you it’s all going to be alright instead of asking you to leave him. I shouldn’t had given a shit, when you _clearly_ don’t want me to!” Mark growled, holding back his own tears.

“Hyung, that’s _not_ what I meant..” Youngjae cried out, grabbing Mark’s arms, shaking it. He hadn’t meant for Mark to take it that way, he just thought Mark was being too overprotective.

“I was the _only one_ there, that had put your interest above anything else. I’m sorry if that seems selfish to you, Youngjae. But I can’t just watch him hurt you so blatantly without saying something at least. Why do you think I even bother to? It’s because of you, for you, even if you can’t see it that way. _Is it so wrong?_ Was I so wrong?!” Mark yelled, angrily. “You out of everyone should’ve understand but now you’re telling me that _I_ was over reacting? That _I_ was butting in your relationship?”

“I’m sorry, hyung.” Youngjae choked, gripping Mark’s arms tightly.

“Fine then, I’m tired too. I’m tired of trying to help you, I’m tried of fighting with Jackson, tired of fighting with Jinyoung. Now you’re fighting with me too? For putting your needs above all else? I give up, you can do what you want now. Go back and live in that apartment if you want to.”

“Hyung, _please_ …” Youngjae whimpered, nails digging into Mark’s arm, that’s how tight he was holding on.

“I give up.” Mark sighed, pulling his arm away and that’s when Youngjae doubled over in his seat, sobbing. Mark’s gut twisted at the sight of the younger man crying so hard, but didn’t try to comfort him this time, no more, he decided. “I’m sorry, hyung I’m sorry!” Youngjae mewled, body shaking and even though his words were muffled Mark heard every single word.

“I didn’t mean it, I- I know you wanted what’s best for me… I know I don’t even deserve it hyung, I’m sorry for dragging you with me. I’m sorry for making you fight with Jinyoung hyung and Jackson hyung, I’m sorry I made you angry. I’m sorry, hyung. It’s my fault, it’s all my fault, so please…” Youngjae sat back up then, shaky hands reaching out to hold Mark's hands. His teary eyes and red face looking up at Mark pitifully. “So please _don’t leave me_ too…” He whimpered, crying out again.

Youngjae cried on, even when Mark pulled him for a hug. He continued to cry hard, even when Mark apologised too, promising him he’d never leave him. He continued to cry as Mark apologised for being suffocating at times, and promised to be more understanding. He cried harder when Mark told him none of it is his fault, that he shouldn't blame himself at all. Mark’s shirt was soaked, but he still cried as Mark rubbed his back, leaving a comforting kiss at the top of his head. As his body slumped against Mark’s, he still couldn’t stop crying. He woke up later on, as they were reaching Seoul, and a few tears escapes his eyes again, even though he felt numb. He felt Mark’s hand covering his, and squeezing it and he cried again, holding on to Mark with a death grip.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHH let me know what you think in the comments~~


	23. Markson

They reached Seoul, and Mark helped Youngjae to settle in his new room. Youngjae asked to talk to him, but Mark smiled reassuringly and ruffled the younger man’s hair, asking him to rest first, and they’ll talk tomorrow. He then left the boy alone to get some rest before retreating to his own room, pulling out his phone as he lied down on the bed. He scrolled through the contacts, stopping at Jinyoung’s number, having a staring contest with his phone, contemplating on whether or not to call the other man.

The phone in his hand started ringing however, surprising him and causing him to drop it. After a second to recollect himself, he picked it up to see that it’s Jackson that’s calling him, and he swiped right to answer.

“Hey babe, have you reached yet?”

“Hey, yeah, a while ago.” Mark replied.

“I bought some food, I figured both of you would be too tired to cook. Can I come over?”

“Sure, yeah.” Mark then let out a small chuckle. “Wow, you’re actually asking me?”

“Well, it’ll be kind of awkward had you said no cause I’m kind of in front of your apartment right now.”

“Typical.” Mark snorted, looking forward to seeing Jackson, and getting a well-deserved hug.

“Love you, see you soon.” Mark got out of bed then, and headed to the bathroom to freshen up a little, just washing his face and changing into more comfortable clothes. He stopped by in front of Youngjae’s door to tell him that Jackson is coming, but decided against it, opting for letting the by rest a while longer. A couple of minutes later, he heard the doorbell rang, before it opened and Jackson entered.

“Markie?” He heard the other man shout in greeting, and he headed towards the entrance to greet the man before he shout any louder.

“Shh! Youngjae is sleeping.” Mark whispered, his finger in front of his lips, hushing Jackson.

“Sorry!” Jackson whispered, arm reaching around Mark’s neck to pull him in for a half hug, his other hand busy carrying their food. Mark pulled him in for a proper hug however, face resting on the crook of Jackson’s neck.

“Thanks for bringing us food.” He mumbled, snuggling closer and Jackson breathed out a small laugh before tightening his grip around Mark.

“Why are you all clingy today? Missed me that much?” Jackson teased.

“Yeah, missed you lots.” Mark whispered, planting a kiss on Jackson’s collarbone. Jackson then reached to cup Mark’s face, looking at him with a concerned frown.

“Did something happen?” He asked gently, and Mark let go of him then, before pulling him towards the kitchen, hand in hand.

“Kind of.” He muttered, and felt Jackson’s hand gripped his a little harder, thumb stroking the back of his hand.

“Tell me about it.”

 

***

“Look, last week was a mistake, so stop calling me!” Mark scolded the man on the other line frustratedly.

“It sure didn’t feel like a mistake when you were under me.”

“Jackson!” He snapped, and heard the other man let out his obnoxious laugh.

“Chill. Why are you getting your panties all twisted now anyway, I want you and after last week we can both agree you clearly want me too.”

“I was _drunk_ , and you were there. That’s all there was to it, so stop bugging me.”

“Hmm, maybe I should just tell Youngjae and ask him for-“ Jackson quipped, and Mark was seething.

“You don’t dare.”

“Yes I would, unless of course… You agree to go on a date with me.” Jackson replied smoothly.

“Hell no.” The older one shut him off.

“I guess I have no choice but to tell ask Youngjae for his help then.” Jackson sighed dramatically.

“Why do you even want a date, Jackson? You wanted to get into my pants, well that happened. So, leave me alone.” Mark grumbled, and added. “And don’t say a word to Youngjae!”

“Look, I don’t get your brother complex with Youngjae, though I guess it’s kinda cute but I’m harnessing that Markie Mark. So, a date, or I’ll tell Youngjae.”

“Are you seriously _blackmailing_ me to a date?” Mark questioned the man.

“No one asked you to have a brother complex.” Jackson shrugged.

“I _don’t_ have a brother complex, whatever that is.” Mark mumbled in reply.

“A date.” Jackson repeated.

“Fine. One date. No sex.” Mark agreed begrudgingly.

“Hey!” Jackson said in mock offense. “What do you take me for? I’m nothing less than a gentleman.”

“You greeted me with the line _I wanna suck your dick_ last week.” Mark deadpanned.

“Well it worked in the end didn’t it?” Mark could almost see the smirk behind on Jackson’s face and he hung up in anger.

 

***

 

They’ve both settled down around the dining table. Mark had insisted on eating first, but Jackson wanted to know what had happened immediately. So they met at a middle ground, the food spread in front of them, but Jackson refused to bite in before hearing what had happened. Mark then explained what had happened earlier, on their ride back, feeling way better now that he’s letting it out.

“You know he probably hadn’t meant any of that right?” Jackson placed his hand over Mark's on the table.

“He did, Jackson. He meant every word.” Mark shook his head.

“Mark-“

“I know he didn’t mean to offend me.” Mark cut him off. “But if he felt like I was too much in their business then I guess I was. Do I regret it? No. Would I do it the same way all over again? I’d probably would stop him all together if I have a way around it. But it’s in the past now, nothing can be done about it.”

“You gonna tell him _that_?” Jackson asked, feeling that Mark was being too blunt about it.

“Not in those words, but yeah, I will. Over time I’m sure he’ll get me even if he don’t now. The wound is still fresh, I don’t blame him for bursting out. But I never had enabled him, and I won’t start now.”

“What if he gets upset again?”

“Then I’ll try to react better this time. I was just taken aback earlier, I ended up shouting back at him. It’s not like I don’t understand where is he coming from, but I won’t apologise for wanting what’s best for him. I did however, apologise for shouting at him, for being too much at times.”

“I love you, but you have to admit you’ve always been _overprotective_. Not about this, but before, way before this even started. Maybe he had just always thought that you never liked Jaebum.” Jackson explained.

“I wasn’t a fan but I never hated the guy.” Mark replied with a shrug.

“Could’ve fooled me.” Jackson tried to joke, but Mark just pinched him. “Don’t you remember how you were acting when they first started hanging out? You’d find _any_ excuse to go along with Youngjae to third wheel them.”

“I was just-“

“ _Worried_ , I know but a little too much, even you have to admit that.” Jackson rubbed his thumb over Mark's palm, an attempt to soothe.

“I guess I was…” Mark mumbled after a few second.

“Look, I’m gonna sound harsh but it’s not that hard to understand Youngjae, I can totally see where he is coming from. Right from the beginning you were against them and yeah, _now_ you actually do have a reason but he is probably thinking that you just want them to end it because you had always wanted them to end it, not because he’s hurting Youngjae, but simply because you had _always_ wanted to.” Mark just stared at him, every word out of his mouth hitting deep realization within Mark. “Are you angry at me?” Jackson asked, squeezing his hand.

“No, you’re right.” Mark sighed, rubbing his face in exhaustion. “Thanks.”

“You don’t have to apologise, but at least explain to him properly why you did what you did. And keep in mind that he’s way to emotional right now to comprehend it sensibly, so don’t get too upset by the things he have to say, okay?” Jackson cradled his face, looking at his so softly.

“I will.” Mark smiled, and left a peck on Jackson's cheek. “Now, let’s eat.”

 

***

 

“Now, let’s eat.” Jackson grinned, pushing the plates towards Mark, and he just rolled his eyes at the other man’s cheeriness.

“Must you talk so loud every damn time?” He complained, crossing his hands in front of him, reclining back on the chair.

“Look who’s talking.” Jackson replied, before adding a wink. “Oh wait, you’re only loud in _bed_.”

“Oh my god! Stop talking about it.” Mark flushed, pushing the food back to Jackson harshly.

“Come on, eat them. I bought it for you, you know.” Jackson tried to push the food back in front of him, and his soft tone caught Mark’s attention. “Please, just a bite at least.” The man smiled, batting his eyes at Mark.

“I never asked for them, eat it yourself.” He snapped, turning his head way, fingers tapping on his chair impatiently.

“Do you want to go the movies then?” Jackson asked, not eating the food either. Mark then looked at him incredulously.

“No?” He scoffed. “I agreed on one date, that’s all.”

“You call _this_ a date? You won’t say anything, you won’t eat anything.” Jackson argued.

“I don’t even want to be here, you know that.”

“Yeah, well you agreed to a date, so I’m not leaving you until I get a proper date.” Mark’s jaw dropped, and he glared at the man sitting opposite him. He then figured it’d be easier to past time at the movies, since they don’t actually have to talk, so he agreed.

“Fine, let’s go to the movies.” He barked, getting up with a scowl on his face, and Jackson just sighed, reaching out for his hand.

“You know what, sit. Eat, I know carbonara is your favourite. _I’ll_ leave.” Jackson mumbled and Mark was genuinely surprised, just blinking blankly at the other man. “Geez, I guess you really hate me, huh?” Jackson tried to laugh, but even Mark could see there’s no humour behind it and when Jackson flashed him a sad smile, he started to feel bad. “Sorry for bugging you, I won’t call you.”

 

***

“Feeling better?” Jackson asked, as he was washing the dishes and Mark sitting down on the kitchen counter next to the sink.

“Yeah, carbonara does wonders.” Mark replied, and Jackson smiled, glad that it made Mark feel better, even only slightly.

“Thank god you’re in love with carbonara so much.” Jackson teased and laughed when Mark punched his arm.

“You never did tell me, how you knew it’s my favourite.”

“Hmm? I overheard Youngjae talking to you on the phone. You were sick I think, and were whining for him to get you some.” Jackson chuckled at the memory.

“Wait, how did you _overhear_ me whining on the phone?” Mark asked, distracted.

“Youngjae put you on loudspeaker.” Jackson shrugged.

“ _What??_ ” Mark spluttered, with a long overdue shyness.

“Yeah, he was cutting some fruits or something and I just happened to be in the kitchen. I heard the whole thing.”

“Oh my god.” Mark groaned, hiding his face in the palms of his hand, remembering how whiny he was, specifically because it was just to annoy Youngjae.

“Aww, don’t worry… You sounded so cute.” Jackson dried his hands, before pulling Mark’s hands away to reveal his blushing face. “Hmm, just like I thought.”

“What?” Mark asked, eyes wide at Jackson.

“Still just as cute.” Jackson grinned and Mark just groaned again, hiding his face on Jackson’s chest this time.

“ _Shut up_.”


	24. Jackson

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we're back to a 'past' chapter. Like always, the time span varies between each scene, but all happened in the past.  
> p/s Chapter 14 happened right before Jackson's conversation with Jinyoung.

“Hey, what’s been bugging you?” Jackson whispered to his ear, hands rubbing his arm soothingly.

“Nothing, why?” Mark asked, leaning back on Jackson’s chest more comfortably, eyes tuning back to the movie playing on the tv screen.

“You sure? The movie’s been playing for a while now, and you’re not even watching it.” Jackson replied, grabbing the console to turn it off.

“Sorry, I was just thinking.” Mark sighed, playing with the hem of his shirt. “And I was the one that wanted to watch it so bad, sorry for wasting your time, Jackson.”

“Nevermind that, tell me what’s on your mind.” Jackson grabbed his hand, pulling it to make both of them sit up properly. “It’s Youngjae…”Mark said, as they were facing each other now.

“Why? Did something happen between you two?”

“No, it’s not _that_ …” Mark mumbled, eyes keep flicking on and off Jackson’s face and Jackson noticed that the older man looked a little nervous?

“Mark, why are you so nervous?” Jackson asked with a frown.

“You know what, forget it. I’ll just talk to Youngjae about it.” Mark smiled tightly before getting up and picking up the plates in front of them, but Jackson pulled the plates away from his hand and pulled him back on the couch.

“Wait, what is going on? Did he find out about us or something?”

“No, Jackson. It’s not that.” Mark shook his head.

“Then why else are you nervous in front of me? About something concerning Youngjae?”

“Promise not to get mad at me?” Mark muttered, grabbing Jackson’s hand in his.

“Uh- yeah?” Jackson replied, getting more confused and a little nervous by the way Mark is acting. “I mean, yeah of course.”

“I think it’s because of Jaebum.” Mark told him, and it didn’t help to ease his confusion at all.

“What is?” He asked.

“It’s just… Youngjae’s been looking so down lately, and I think it might be because of Jaebum.” Mark explained.

“You think they fought or something?”

“ _Maybe?_ ” Mark quipped, shoulders up and his hands retracted back to himself, crossing it in front of his chest.

“What did Youngjae tell you?”

“He didn’t tell me anything…” Mark confessed, looking down, chewing on his lips.

“So you just assumed that it’s Jaebum? Without even talking to Youngjae?” Jackson frowned, feeling a little defensive all of a sudden.

“Well, what else could it be?” The older one shrugged.

“Umm… _A lot of things_?” Jackson scoffed. “Just because I’m upset it doesn’t have to mean _you_ caused it. He might had just been having a rough week. The kids maybe?”

“It’s not that, I’ve seen that. This is different. I _know_ him.” Mark explained and Jackson let out an unamused laugh.

“Well enough to read his mind apparently.”

“This is why I didn’t want to tell you.” Mark sighed.

“What does that supposed to mean?” Jackson asked with a frown.

“Jaebum’s your bestfriend, I get it, of course you’d defend him.” Mark replied, turning his body away from Jackson.

“I’d defended  _anyone_ because you have no valid reason, Mark. You can’t just blame Jaebum for a small frown on Yongjae’s face.” Jackson replied, annoyed. “That’s reaching _even for you_.”

“Even for me?” Mark snapped, insulted.

“Look, it’s not like you’re trying to hide how… _protective_ , for the lack of better words, you are over the kid. But to blame Jaebum for no reason?”

“He’s just been so sad lately-“

“Then talk to him, ask him why.” Jackson cut him off.

“I had! He just won’t tell me anything. If it’s the kids, he would’ve told me, if it’s anything else, he would’ve told me. That’s why I know it’s Jaebum because he never tells me shit about him.”

“I can’t guess why.” Jackson replied sarcastically.

“Jackson, I’m being serious!” Mark barked.

“Me too!” Jackson replied. “You don’t like Jaebum, never had. Why would he tell you anything?”

“That’s not the point right now!”

“Then what is?”

“Have you not been listening? It’s about Youngjae being all depressed lately!” Mark exclaimed.

“ _And_ it’s about how you blame Jaebum because you don’t like him.” Jackson added, not backing down.

“I shouldn’t had told you anything, _god_.” Mark groaned, shaking his head as he carried the plates to the kitchen.

“Are you seriously mad at me right now?” Jackson shouted after him, but Mark ignored him and continued to walk straight to the kitchen, dumping the plates into the sink before stomping off to his room. “ _Really?_ ” Jackson asked again, when he followed Mark in the room.

“You won’t even listen to me.” Mark complained sulkily, lying down on the bed, facing away from the door, and Jackson.

“Yes I _did_! Then I told you it's ridiculous cause it is, Mark. If Youngjae were to tell you _himself_ that it’s Jaebum, then it’s different.” Jackson replied softly, climbing on the bed.

“If it’s someone you don’t know, you would’ve agreed with me.” Mark pouted, convinced that Jackson is only defending Jaebum because it’s his friend.

“Really? You’re telling me I’m defending the guy because I’m biased? You know what, yeah, I am. Because I know Jaebum, so I know it’s _not_ him.”

“How are you so sure?” Mark asked, inching his body away from Jackson as he felt the bed dipped in his weight.

“I can ask you the same thing.” Jackson replied, watching his boyfriend’s antic and trying not to laugh at how adorable he thinks it is.

“ _Whatever._ ”

“You know I’m right.” Jackson whispered to his ear.

“Then I’ll get Youngjae to say it, for you to believe me.” Mark snapped, pushing away Jackson’s face.

“Or baby, you can just accept that it’s not Jaebum.” Jackson teased, reaching his arm around Mark’s body to pull him against his own.

“Don’t touch me.” Mark elbowed the man lightly, but didn’t try to do anything more to get away from him.

“ _Aww_ , is my baby sulking?” Jackson cooed, climbing on Mark’s body, and running his hand through the older man’s hair. And finally, Mark turned to lie down on his back, face inches away from Jackson’s that currently on his knees and arms bracketing Mark's face.

“I’m older than you, asshole.” Mark pinched his hip but Jackson didn’t even flinch, instead he just smirked and gripped Mark’s hair, pulling it as he leaned down to whisper in Mark’s ear in a deep voice.

“ _Oh yeah_? Then why did you call me daddy last night?” He then nibbled the shell of Mark’s ear but the next thing he knows, his body was pushed roughly to the side, and down to the floor.

“GET OUT!” Mark shouted as his face turned bright red, turning around to hit Jackson with his pillow and trying his best to ignore the boy’s laughter.

 

***

 

“Youngjae finally told me why he’s been so upset lately.” Mark chimed in the conversation, after they got the usual checking-up-on-each-other’s-day conversation settled.

“What did he say?” Jackson asked, settling down on his couch, loosening his tie and finally getting some well needed rest after a day’s work.

“Just like I thought, it is Jaebum.” Mark replied, quietly.

“What? You sure?” Jackson asked, surprised.

“Yes Jackson, _I’m sure_. Apparently Jaebum has been fighting about the smallest things with him, Youngjae feels like he’s walking on eggshells in their own home.”

“Jaebum had just been super stressed lately, I’m sure it’s just a lover’s spat.” Jackson replied, knowing well that Mark could just be exaggerating what Youngjae had said to him.

“Are you for real right now? A _lover’s spat?_ Youngjae’s been upset for a couple of weeks now!” Mark snapped, annoyed.

“Just give it some time.” Jackson sighed, not in the mood to have a silly argument with his lover.

“Some time? How long must Youngjae suffer-” Mark’s loud boomed through the speaker and Jackson had to actually pull it away from his ear.

“Suffer? Oh, _come on_ , you’re talking like he’s torturing the kid.” Jackson scoffed.

“I can’t believe you’re defending him!”

“I’m _not_ okay-”

“Yes you are! You know what, I’m too tired for this. I’m hanging up.” Mark blurted.

“Wai-” Jackson tried, but Mark had hung up and all Jackson could do was hang up too, before throwing his phone on the couch.

 

***

 

“Have you talked to Jaebum? Ever since last Monday at the club?” Jackson asked, leaning over Jinyoung’s table at work.

“Mmm.” Jinyoung hummed, still engrossed in his work.

“Well?” Jackson asked, when Jinyoung didn’t continue to explain.

“I told him to get his shit together, I don’t know what he’ll do though.” Jinyoung leaned back against his chair, looking up at Jackson.

“I still can’t believe he said he wants to end it. I swear, two weeks ago they were still as head over heels with each other when they were first dating.” Jackson exhaled, resting his chin on his fist with a small pout.

“He’s just… had a lot in his mind lately.”

“It’s not fair that he takes it out on Youngjae.”

“I know it’s not. _He_ knows it’s not, don’t worry.” Jinyoung tried to reassure him.

“Have you seen Youngjae?” Jackson quipped after a minute or two as Jinyoung continued his work.

“No, have you?” Jinyoung replied, looking up at Jackson again expectedly.

“No, but apparently he’s still moody.” Jackson shook his head.

“I’ve been texting him, he says he’s fine but he’s not as talkative as usual.”

“What if Jaebum has been treating him wrong?”

“You’re suggesting he’s _hitting_ him?!” Jinyoung shouted almost, shocked that his friend would even suggest such a thing.

“ _No!_ Of course not, but just arguing a lot maybe? Way too much?” Jackson flinched internally as he remembered how he had totally dismissed what Mark had said to him, even though it was true, apparently.

“Give it some time, I talked to him, tried to put some sense into him, let’s hope he’ll listen.” Jinyoung sighed.

“Jinyoung-ah?”

“Hmm?”

“Doesn't this kind of remind you of the Jaebum we first met?” Jackson asked quietly, remembering back when they had all first met each other.

“Why?”

“You know, all closed up and shit. Always so stony and cold. I’m just worried he’s reverting back to that.” He explained.

“No, he has us now, don’t think too much about it.” Jinyoung replied, offering a small smile.

“I hope you’re right about this, _I really do_.” Jackson groaned, before walking back to his own table.

“For Youngjae’s sake, and for Jaebum’s sake too.”

 

***

 

“What do you mean cheated?” Jackson frowned, looking at Mark like he had just said most nonsensical thing on earth.

“What do you think I mean Jackson?! _Cheated!_ As in he slept with someone else.” Mark replied, all angry motions.

“No, no that’s impossible. Jaebum won’t do that.” Jackson shook his head, bewildered at the accusation Mark was throwing.

“You’re _defending_ him?! I just told you he cheated on Youngjae. Actually been going on for months now, I’m such a fucking idiot. God, I should’ve seen it sooner.” Mark sighed dejectedly, pouring himself a glass of scotch.

“But he wouldn’t do that.” Jackson insisted, trying to convince Mark that he must’ve gotten it all wrong. Jaebum may had wanted to end It, but he wouldn’t steep so low to have slept with other people.

“Jackson! You saw how depressed Youngjae had been these past months! And why would I even lie? Why would _Youngjae_ lie?” Mark shouted at him, frustrated at how he is still defending Jaebum.

“No, I’ll- I’ll go talk to him. I’m sure there’s more to it.” Jackson replied.

“More to it? Like he have a _proper excuse_ to cheat?” Mark asked, shocked at what Jackson saying to him.

“No! Of course not, but I’ve known Jaebum for years now, he just wouldn’t… Cheat.” Jackson argued.

“Get out. If you’re just gonna stand there and defend that asshole, just get out.” Mark snapped, getting up to open the door of his apartment.

“Oh Mark, come on. I’m not saying you’re lying, but-“ Jackson blurted, closing back the door and they stood there in front of the doorway, both hands on the door.

“No buts Jackson. Whatever reason he have will _never_ be good enough, cause he hurt Youngjae. So if you’re gonna defend him, just get out.” Mark commanded.

“I’m not -” Jackson argued but Mark pulled his hand away and opened the front door anyway.

“ _Out!_ ” He snapped, slamming the door shut the second Jackson is out.

 

***

 

“You fucking cheated?” Was the first thing Jackson said, as soon as he burst into the apartment, grabbing hold of Jaebum’s collar.

“ _Jackson!_ ” Jinyoung exclaimed, pulling the shorted man back but Jackson just pushed through, tightening his grip.

“How fucking dare you!” Jackson spat, and Jaebum just let it happen to him, knowing full well that he deserves all this.

“Jackson, please, let go of him.”

“Jinyoung, why are you so _calm?!_ I just said he cheated on Youngjae!” Jackson said frustratedly, and Jinyoung just kept quiet, turning to look at Jaebum for a second, and that’s when it dawned on Jackson. “Wait, you knew. You _knew_ what he’s been doing, haven’t you?”

“Jackson, it’s not a good time right now.” Jinyoung replied, perplexed at the situation they’re in.

“ _What the fuck is wrong with you two?!_ ” Jackson yelled, feeling like his world just turned upside down. “I fought with Mark, and even defended you!”

“It’s complicated, please just trust me on this, okay?” Jinyoung begged, hating the thought that Jackson must be having about them, about how heartless they are being. Jackson opened his mouth, trying to say something but closed it back when he realised there’s nothing he can say. Jaebum then left to his room, slamming it shut. “I’ll explain it soon, I swear.” Jinyoung continued, and Jackson felt helpless.

“How can you stay here and defend him, Jinyoung? Don’t you feel bad for _Youngjae?_ ” Jackson muttered, feeling a little angry at himself for sounding so hypocritical.

“ _Of course_ I feel horrible, but I swear that this isn’t… This isn’t Jaebum, at least not in his right mind and I’m _trying_ to help him Jackson, just give me a little more time. And I’ll explain everything to you, I promise.”

 

***

 

“Mark! Why are you crying?” Jackson rushed to the man sitting in the middle of the living room, face hidden behind the palm of his hand.

“Did you know?” Mark asked gravely, looking up at Jackson with a murderous look.

“What?” Was all that Jackson could reply, never seen Mark this upset ever before.

“Did you _know_ that that bastard was cheating?!” Mark shouted.

“Of course not!” Jackson defended himself, inching closer to the older man.

“Are you sure? You’re not just siding with him again, cause I _swear_ -” Mark asked, voice cracking, tears threatening to fall again.

“No, Mark. I would’ve told you, hell I would’ve told Youngjae straightaway!” Jackson insisted, kneeling next to his leg, on the floor, hands rubbing his arm reassuringly.

“Then do you know that _Jinyoung_ knew?” Mark looked at him brokenly, looking so defeated.

“I- He told me when I asked him…” Jackson whispered, hoping that Mark wouldn’t get angry at him for this.

“I can’t believe it… I can’t believe I _trusted_ him.” Mark cried, in anger and disappointment. He didn’t put a fight when Jackson pulled him in for a hug. He was already upset when Youngjae told him what had happened but to know that Jinyoung knew and didn’t say a word? He was furious, and sad but mostly betrayed. “They’re both fucking assholes.”

“ _Mark-_ ” Jackson sighed, feeling torn even though he knows his friends are deeply in the wrong here.

“Just go if you-” Mark pushed him, but Jackson tightened his grip.

“I- I wasn’t going to- I just don’t want you to waste your energy on them.” He whispered, wiping the tears from Mark’s face, heart breaking at the sight. “ _Please don’t cry_ , baby.” Mark wasn’t expecting it, for Jackson to side him, and he just cried again when Jackson kissed his cheek in comfort.

" _I'll never forgive Jinyoung_." Mark sobbed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 4.5 k worth of Markson jesus~ It's essential to the story tho, I hope no one finds it draggy T_T I didn't want to be blunt and completely straight to the point (cause I like plot and just really like writing and I often get sidetracked) I hope you'll like these two chapters even if they revolve more around Markson.


	25. Goodbye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm feeling productive y'all

Jackson had left a little before midnight, claiming he still have work to get done and Mark had reluctantly let him go, wanting nothing more but to snuggle next to the man for the rest of the night. But Jackson promised him they’ll spend some time soon, just the two of them so he let Jackson leave with a kiss goodnight, before locking the door and turning all the lights off, retreating back to his room.

He then spent the next couple of hours tossing and turning, trying to figure out what the next step is for Youngjae, now that he is back in Seoul and groaned when he came up with nothing. What if Jaebum were to meet him? What if Youngjae’s the one that’d reach out to Jaebum? Mark realised he can’t actually do much if that were to happen, and as much as he wants to, locking Youngjae up would be considered kidnapping. What he can do, of course, is to try and prolong the meet up as far as he could. Sure, he decided, that they’ll have to meet up eventually, but despite everything, he is sure that it is far too early for Youngjae to be anywhere near Jaebum at the moment. Now that Youngjae is living under his roof, and thanks to the fact that they work together, it’d be easy for him to keep Youngjae busy throughout the day, but there is no promising Jaebum won’t try to meet the younger one. Unless, someone can keep Jaebum’s days to be busy too.

“Hello?” The man picked up the phone, after a couple of rings.

“I know it’s late, but can we meet up tomorrow?” Mark asked, heart calming down after the way it almost leaps out of his chest as the phone continued to ring.

“… Sure, hyung.”

“I’ll text you the place, Jinyoung.” He muttered, before hanging up.

 

***

 

Mark woke up early the next day, before texting Jinyoung the address of the café he wanted to meet up at. First, he walked to Youngjae’s room and took a peek inside, to see the boy sleeping soundly. He then headed to the bathroom to wash up and then continued to heat up some leftovers from last night for Youngjae, with a note to inform him he’d be back by lunch, and that they can talk then. Mark received a message from Jinyoung a couple of minutes later, and that’ when he grab his car keys and made his way to the said café.

“I’ll just get to the point, I need a favour.” Mark said, after an awkward greeting, and once they’ve settled down on their sits.

“A favour with?” Jinyoung asked, surprised. In fact, not expecting Mark to hit him up again, after the visit he made to the older man’s house.

“Keep Jaebum away from Youngjae.” Mark replied, his mouth then shuts in a straight, stoic line.

“You know I can’t do that, hyung.” Jinyoung muttered, staring straight into Mark’s eyes, a little nervous but dares to act otherwise.

“Why not?” Mark snapped.

“You know why, I can’t stop him if he wants to meet Youngjae. I don’t want to.” Jinyoung replied, stomach twisting into knots at the thought of Mark getting angry at him again.

“I can’t believe how selfish you’re being.” Mark scoffed, looking up and shaking his head in disbelieve.

“Aren’t you too?”

“I have a reason to, it was Jaebum that hurt Youngjae, not the other way around.”

“Jaebum was hurting too, _is_ hurting… He’s trying to… _fix it._ ” Jinyoung sighed.

“Well Youngjae is trying to fix it too, and you know damn well he wouldn’t be able to if he were to meet Jaebum again.” Mark replied sharply.

“I told you, hyung, I’m out of their relationship, it’s up to them. I won’t try to stop either one of them.” Jinyoung frowned, his arms resting on the table as he leaned forward.

“Yeah, well you don’t just get to wake up one day and decide that.” Mark jeered. “ You’ve done enough damage, you’ve weaseled yourself too deep to crawl back out now. Same goes to me.”

“Don’t you see? It’s not up to me, it’s not up to you!” Jinyoung added, hands moving animatedly in frustration. “ If they want to meet up, they’re both adults, they’ll meet up. If it hurts, then it’ll hurt but _they_ know that. Youngjae can reject him if he don’t want to and Jaebum won’t push it.”

“I’m doing this for Youngjae, _can’t you see that?_ ” Mark lashed out.

“He can decide whats best for him.” The other man replied, coldly almost.

“No he can’t! Not when he’s still emotional about this whole thing. I know you’re an asshole, but can’t you understand this?”

“Hyung, I want whats best for him too!” Jinyoung argued.

“You _claim_ that you want whats best for them, but you’re not. You want whats best for Jaebum, and if that means Youngjae get thrown aside, so be it. If that means he wants Youngjae again, so be it. You’ll even lie to my face, you’ve shown your worth Jinyoung there’s no need to act like a damn saint now. You’re no better than that cheating piece of shit.” Mark told him off, huffing and puffing in red anger.

“You’re going on about me but how about Jackson?!” Jinyoung finally asked the question he had been keeping in, not being able to keep it in any longer. “He knows that Jaebum had been getting tired of Youngjae, he never said shit to you too. So why-“

“I’m angry cause _you knew he cheated!_ ”Mark raised his voice, cutting Jinyoung off. “You knew and you didn’t tell me! Yeah, I was upset about that too but at that point Jaebum had done nothing yet. People fall out of love, I get it. If he were to just end it then and there, Youngjae wouldn’t had been this devastated! But the fact that he’s that much of a coward to torment _Youngjae_ into breaking up with him, that’s what I can’t forgive. _And you knew._ ”

“You don’t understand…” Jinyoung replied weakly, seeing the hurt in Mark’s eyes.

“Then make me! You say the same shit to Jackson too, you say you’ll explain but you never explain shit! If Jaebum is the poor victim you make him out to be, why? What is the reason, what is he the victim of?!” Mark demanded.

“He don’t have anyone else, I’m like his only family-“

“Then what the fuck was Youngjae? A damn pet?! I heard about his rough childhood, okay? I don’t know the details but just because he had a fucked up life, it doesn’t mean he have the rights to fuck other’s up, drag them down to his level! And you think you’re helping him?!”Mark scoffed. “ You think enabling his shitty behavior is helping? If he has a problem, he needs to get it fixed.”

“He is!” Jinyoung revealed. “He is getting it fixed, okay?”

“What-“ Mark frowned in confusion, and Jinyoung continued to explain.

“He’s been meeting up with a shrink. A doctor… He’s been trying to get over his childhood trauma. He’s getting his meds, he’s _really_ trying to fight. The things he did to Youngjae was because… of that. I know it’s not a good enough reason, _nothing_ will ever be, but I swear he really did love him. He did that not because he’s a coward but because, he couldn’t end it himself. In his mind, in some twisted way he thought it’d be better for Youngjae to end it himself, so he gave him the ultimate reason to. And that’s shit, that's sad and that’s _fucked up_ , I know. But, that’s Jaebum. He’s sad and fucked up and he’s finally trying to get help. So no, I can’t stop him from meeting Youngjae because that is what pushing him right now, the thought of apologizing and the thought of maybe he’d finally explain why he did all that. And Youngjae deserves to know.” Jinyoung huffed, and continued when Mark didn’t reply him. “And yes, I know that Youngjae deserves better, but he was happy with Jaebum, and Jaebum was happiest with Youngjae. And it's up to Youngjae to decide if that happiness is worth it. To _try again._ "

"What if he cheats again?" Mark asked, genuinely with no snark.

"He _won't_." Jinyoung replied, absolutely certain.

"You can't say that.”Mark muttered, shaking his head. “No one can be sure of that. What if he relapses and ends up hurting Youngjae again? I refuse to see that, _no_ , now that I can, I won't allow it to happen twice. You're telling me to let Youngjae and Jaebum to decide on their own but it's _different._ They're in different situations because Youngjae will _never_ hurt Jaebum, he'll never be able to. So that's why even though we both wants what’s best, even though I understand you, I'll never be able to forgive you. Because Youngjae's sadness won't ever affect Jaebum, but Jaebum's one did, and _will_ affect Youngjae.”

“He needs _help_ , not punishment.” Jinyoung retorted back.

“No one’s punishing him for how he _feels_.” The older one responded. “But he did brought it upon himself when he cheated. And yet, you still chose to defend him.”

"Wouldn't you had done it too?" Jinyoung asked, voice raw with emotion.

"Probably, but the fact remains that it was you who lied to me, not me to you." Mark reminded him, the red anger washing away and getting replaced by something bluer.

"But you said you understand it, you _understand_ why I didn’t say anything." Jinyoung spluttered, trying to make Mark understand his position, and where he was coming from.

"I do, I understand that you were doing what you thought was best and I'd do what I thought was best too if I were in your shoes. But we have different opinions on what is best obviously.” Mark uttered, looking at Jinyoung softer now. “ I had been doing what I thought was the best, and right now, I'm _still_ doing exactly that. So since you, of all people understand what it's like, can't you just do me this favour?"

" _Hyung-_ " Jinyoung wanted to beg, wanting Mark to stop convincing him because he hates to hurt Mark again.

"They'll meet up, of course they will. I want Youngjae to get his closure too but not now, Jinyoung. Not next week and not even next month. I need Youngjae to be completely over him, before they meet again. So please, I'm _begging_ you. Until then, keep Jaebum away from my little brother." Mark reached out, gripping his wrist, looking at him expectantly.

"I'll try." Jinyoung finally breathed out, after a couple of minutes of thinking it over.

"We're even then. Goodbye, Jinyoung. Let's not meet again." And Jinyoung would lie if he said that didn’t hurt him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you tell I suck at picking titles? Also how I overuse italics? I wanted to finish this by November, and still planning to but knowing me I ain't promising nothing, simply cause I procrastinate like shit. But I am trying tho. Keyword : Trying


	26. Continuation

Things were improving, Youngjae noticed. Jaebum haven’t explained why he had been in a terrible mood the past month or so, but now things are finally falling back to how it was again, it's falling back to it's right places. The night after Jaebum yelled at him, called him childish, Jaebum’s apology; everything was turning better again. Even if he'd still wake up some nights to see Jaebum not by his side. But he can hear the pads of footsteps, the sound of coffee being made in the kitchen and as much as he wants to go and drag his lover back to bed, he stopped himself. A part of him felt that his meddling was the cause of Jaebum’s moodiness and that part of him might just tower over the other part of him that feels like a useless boyfriend. He’d tell himself this is just a bump on the road however, because Youngjae is so certain he had met his destiny in Jaebum, his soulmate.

He’d keep quiet, assuring himself that this is what’s best for their relationship, and that Jaebum would open up to him when he wants to, when he is ready. During those nights where he’d wait for Jaebum to return to bed to him, he can’t help but to let his mind wander a little bit. It plays out scenes after scenes of what he could only imagine to be Jaebum’s childhood. He knew bits and pieces of course, mostly from the mouths of others but he try to not let that bother him too much. He knew that Jaebum was often moving from one house to another, never having a family, never having friends because by the time he made one he’d probably had moved again. And his heart clenches at the thought of a small boy having to go through that, his heart clenches because Jaebum is still closed up now probably because of the after effect of his childhood. He wants to reach out, and help. He wants Jaebum to tell him everything because talking it out always seem to work for Youngjae but it finally hit him that maybe some people don’t want to talk; simply because they’ve lived their whole life having no one to talk to. He’d then remember how bright his childhood was, and his gut would sink a little bit in guilt. Because while he had a happier, and homelier childhood; while he was smiling back then, at some other place, a young Jaebum was probably crying.

He would snap out of his reverie the second he hears the bedroom door creak open, and he’d try to lie as still as possible, feigning sleep. Some nights he’d feel the other side of the bed dip as Jaebum continues back sleeping next to him. Sometimes he’d feel his lover’s hand grazing his cheeks and would feel his body sitting next to him. And Youngjae would try his hardest to not open his eyes out of curiosity because Jaebum would just sit there up to an hour even, without saying a single word; out loud at least. Other nights, Jaebum would feel particularly loving and would bring him to his chest, hugging Yongjae tightly as he falls back asleep. Those are his favourties, the ones that was Youngjae’s least favourites however is when he’d hear Jaebum closes back the bedroom door without even entering it.

 

***

 

Time. Youngjae decided to give Jaebum _time_ in return for the old Jaebum. He didn’t say a word at first, even to Mark because he felt that it’s an exchange that only the both of them were supposed to be aware of; that if he were to open his mouth, the Jaebum he knows would disappear again. So he gave Jaebum time, time to be alone, time to go out when he wants to, time to meet his friends when he wants to and time with him when he wants to. He’d no longer demand, and whine for Jaebum’s attention but trusted Jaebum to shower him with love anyway, and the man did. So that’s why, he completely believed that he’s doing the right thing and Jaebum would finally open up to him.

The way he opens up to Jinyoung. Youngjae would try to not let himself be bothered too much, when Jaebum would spend hours after work to talk with Jinyoung. It was nothing new, Youngjae had always known they were close, and in all honesty he was even glad that there is at least one person Jaebum opens up to. And whenever Jinyoung  reassures him that it’s all going to be fine, he trusted his Jinyoung hyung completely, because that is as best of an affirmation as he could get. Because a word out of Jinyoung’s mouth is like a word out of Jaebum’s, because Jinyoung knows everything that Jaebum is going through.

And Youngjae was jealous, absolutely _furious_. Not at Jinyoung, because no one could get angry at him; Youngjae was furious at the universe, and jealous at the amount of time Jinyoung had spent with Jaebum before Jaebum had met Youngjae. Why couldn’t it be him? That had met Jaebum earlier, the one that had become friends with him, the one he’d open up to? Why must he be two years younger and had entered college two years after Jaebum had? It wouldn’t make sense of course, because by that logic, he'd be exchanging his current position with Jinyoung. And it’d be Jinyoung that would be dating Jaebum and he’d be the best friend, and he doesn’t want that either.

So he’d push it even further back. He’d sometimes imagine what it’d be like had he met Jaebum when they were _kids_. Would they had been friends? If they were to go to the same school, maybe he’d invite Jaebum to come home and play with him. Maybe his mother would take a liking on Jaebum and he knows for certain that his mum would’ve without a doubt take Jaebum under her wings, because that’s just the kind of person she is. They’d grow up together, under the same roof, experiencing the same joy. So Jaebum would never feel the sadness that he feels now. But that would mean they would’ve grew up as brothers, and it’d be the same as trying to date Mark, and Youngjae would snap out of his day dream trying not to gag at the thought of that.

But maybe if it had been that way, Jaebum would be a completely different person now. He’d be way happier, and the absence of sadness might make him feel a different kind of happy then what he is able to feel now. Maybe he’d be so lovely, and so friendly that everyone would just love him as he grows up. Maybe he’d like someone back way earlier because he wouldn't be such a player and he'd fall in love. They’d be high school sweethearts. And of course, if that were to happen, Youngjae wouldn’t end up dating him too and it frustrates him even more. Because he thinks and he thinks, trying to come up with a situation where Jaebum could both be happy and still meet him in their life's intersection to end up with him. And he couldn't had come up with one because if he were happy, he would lived a different life, took a different route, and their routes wouldn't had crossed each other. 

And that scares him. _Because Youngjae is a believer of fate, and destiny. He believes that their life had been written in the stars and everyone would end up where they’re meant to end up at. He believes every bad thing happens for a reason and he believes that everyone has a soulmate._ And it scares him, because as irrational as it may be, he felt that he is at fault. Fault by association, because had Jaebum’s life been even a slight bit different, it’d be a ripple effect and the chances of them not meeting and falling in love would multiply. And this made him want to throw out all the romantic story books he read as he grew up, this made him want to burn all the movies he watched where the actors would always end up together, this made his believe in kismet to waver, because he refuse to let their encounter to be the reason that Jaebum had a shitty childhood. 

 

***

 

And it wasn’t the best but their days moves forward, inch by inch. Jaebum would still be out of the bed more often, and Youngjae would daydream about the what-ifs more often too. But he’d still come home to a hug and kiss from his lover, and to Youngjae that’s worth it. Because destiny is bullshit and no one is ever meant to be together, they just have to make it happen for themselves.

 

***

 

Everything was fine, until it _wasn’t_. Youngjae had reached home, Thai food in one hand and his bag in the other. The house was dark, but nothing out of the ordinary crossed his mind; maybe he’s sleeping? It won’t be the first time, considering how the man wouldn’t actually sleep at nights anymore. Youngjae often returns home to find the man taking a nap. But of course, if that were the case, none of the lights would be turned on so he was surprised, to see their bedroom light  on. Little did he know, that everything from that second on would be moving too slow yet too fast at the same time. And now, he wants to forget all of it but at the same time can’t stop replaying it in his mind too.

Youngjae can’t be sure enough however, which one he remembers the clearest. The small smile on his face at the thought of giving his lover a surprise? Maybe it’s the way he almost slipped and fell when he tried to tip toe his way to the room. He regained his composure, before bursting the door open and there it was. The bright lights of the room are branded in his mind like show lights; it was turned on purposely he felt, to be the main attraction in the dark house, to make sure he’d go there. Was the climax what’s happening on the bed, the mock stage? Or was he discovering them, the climax? Either way, the next thing he knew there’s Thai food on the floor, and he was running to the guest bedroom before anything else could happen. Eventually he’ll come out, after staying in the room for how long, he had lost count and Jaebum would be right outside of the door, standing eerily still.

He’d push the man away as the shock turned to an angry energy and he just threw anything within his reach to Jaebum. He cried, and demanded answers but the man remained quiet, and that pissed him off even more, he remembered. Then he’d hit him, again and again until he’s too tired to do so. And now, all of these remains crystal clear in his memory, especially the way Jaebum looked so hollow and Youngjae thought for a split second that it may even be a different person. Jaebum had tears down his cheeks too, like he was the one that was cheated on, and Youngjae remember clearly that he didn’t understand why he’d be the one crying.

That’s why he stayed, he told himself. For all those months, he’d still see a bit of familiarity in Jaebum’s eyes and he can’t bring himself to leave. Despite knowing what would wait for him at home, he refused to leave until Jaebum asks him to, and Jaebum _never_ did. Sometimes, he’d wake up at night to the sound of his room door creaking open and he knows Jaebum is watching him, but he didn’t know what to say, he didn’t even know what he felt; so he stayed motionless in bed. He stayed because Jaebum would only eat the food he purposely left out for the man in the guise of leftovers, he stayed because despite his pain he needed an answer.

But there’s only so much he could take, before he broke down in front of Mark.

 

***

 

Mark was furious, he could see the bright red anger behind the layer of worry in his eyes but he told Mark to stay quiet, to stay away. He still needed an answer, after all. Mark would look at him in pity, sometimes in anger too but he couldn’t put in words how much he worries over Jaebum. He couldn’t explain how there had always been a tint of sadness in everything the other man does. He couldn’t put in words how happy he would feel to be the source of happiness in Jaebum’s life. Maybe it’s a complex? Because if they were to make it through this, if Jaebum were to able to get back on his feet again, then wouldn’t it mean they could get through anything? Perhaps it’s not so much a complex then, but a matter of pride.

 

***

 

_Because Youngjae is a believer of fate, and destiny. He believes that their life had been written in the stars and everyone would end up where they’re meant to end up at. He believes every bad thing happens for a reason and he believes that everyone has a soulmate._

 

***

 

Suddenly Youngjae is gripping his believes in destiny tightly in his hands again, not wanting it to slip away. The fault he felt, the cause of his faith in kismet to waver all melted away, because now they’re even. He’s no longer standing on a pedestal, because Jaebum’s cheating had broken that down and now they’re on a level playing field. He don’t feel guilty anymore, that he had a better childhood. The very reason of his doubt in fate might be the exact reason he believes in it again. Because he has to believe in destiny, they have to be together because Jaebum just has to be his soulmate. The universe must interfere and pull them back to each other because he doesn't think that they're strong enough to do it themselves. So he can't leave Jaebum, despite the cheating because he is no saint either, to have these kind of thoughts. To think that the pain he felt could even be compared to the one Jaebum grew up with, he is not too innocent after all. And that is what Mark would never understand, that is the reason he stayed. He need to know why Jaebum never left him. He need to know why the other man still cries for him. He needs to know how can he help to make the man happier, now that their sadness had evened out and they fit together.

But the night they had cried together, in that living room, he realised that his sadness didn’t minus out Jaebum’s one but instead adds on to that. He realised that love is not math, it's far more complicated. He thought that he and Jaebum could fit like a puzzle now that he has a part of him carved out too but staying there, trying to fit next to Jaebum's puzzle piece he saw that their puzzle pieces had become all rough edges. Once you're in a relationship, your sad is their sad too. So their sadness ended up becoming a huge blob that proves to be to heavy for him, so he left, before either of them get any worse. He didn’t know what more can he do, if Jaebum won’t let him in? And perhaps Mark is right, maybe he deserve better after all. But being apart from Jaebum he still can’t make himself to think about the fact that he deserve better, but became even more certain that Jaebum is what he deserves. Jaebum is who he should be with, so why did Jaebum ruin that? Being apart from Jaebum made him even more miserable because he still get no answers. And despite what others may think, it’s not closure he wanted, it’s continuation. Because he knows Jaebum has a reason, and he needs to know what that reason is, before he could decide his next step. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this chapter made sense, if it didn't ask away! And thank you for the comments, they're the fuel that keeps me going :D


	27. Now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PART 1

“How’s the room? Comfortable?” Mark greeted, the second Youngjae exited his room to join Mark on the dining table where Mark was drinking coffee.

“Yeah, I slept quite well.” Youngjae answered, pouring himself a cup, face contorted in a way that shows he’s thinking something over.

“How are you feeling today, better?” Mark probed, when a couple of minutes passed and Youngjae didn’t say anything.

“Look, hyung, I just wanna say sorry.” The younger blurted. “For yelling at you yesterday, I shouldn’t had done that.”

“I umm…” Mark traced the rim of his mug mindlessly, trying to find the right words to continue. ”Not to say _glad_ but I think it was necessary that you did that. And I get that you’re stressed, it’s okay.”

“It was still wrong of me, hyung. You were only looking out for me, I know.” Youngjae replied, looking at Mark.

“I just- _I know_ I’ve never been a fan of Jaebum but you do know that when you were together with him, I didn’t wish for it to break off right? You were happy with him, I knew that and I was happy for you, even though I never said it out loud.”

“I know… If you really hated him, you would’ve said something.” Youngjae smiled and Mark felt relieved.

“I know I’ve been nosy, but-” Mark started to explain himself, but Youngjae didn’t let him.

“You haven’t hyung. I shouldn’t had said that, I didn’t mean it that way. I’m glad you were there for me, hyung.”

“I just want you to be happy.”

“I know, it’s just hard to see that when I _myself_ don’t know what makes me happy anymore.” Youngjae replied, eyes out of focus, like he’s thoughts were miles away at that moment.

“Youngjae-”

“I know that I had a life before him.” Youngjae added hurriedly, now looking down at the cup of coffee he’s holding on his lap. “I know that he wasn’t the _only_ thing that made me happy, and I’m sure with time I’ll be fine again but… _I want him_ , hyung. And before you say anything, no, I won’t just accept him right away. I was cheated on, I _was_ hurt. No, I’m _still_ hurting but I can’t change that. I can only move on, and decide what I want for the future. and I want _him_.”

“What if he cheats again?”

“He _won’t_.” Youngjae shook his head.

“Youngjae-” Mark sighed.

“If I accept him again, he won’t cheat hyung. I know, because if he wants me to accept him again, he'd have to open up to me. He’ll have to reach out to me.” _He’d have to tell me everything_ , he added to himself.

“What?” Mark asked, not quite grasping what Youngjae is saying.

“You don’t get it hyung, but… _Trust me_ , if I accept him again, we’d be better. I’ll make sure of it.”

“You’re still emotional, I get it. You just need a clearer mind to think this through.” Mark replied, trying to assure Youngjae but in the end sounded more like he’s reassuring himself.

“Hyung, its _Jaebum_.” Youngjae muttered with a small smile. “No matter what, I’ll always be _emotional_ when it comes to him. He made me feel all kind of emotions I’ve never felt with anyone before. You may think it’s foolish, but I think it’s worth taking a chance. It haven’t been the same without him, it will _never_ be the same without him.” The smile dropped then, as his lips trembled and eyes started to tear up.

“How can you even say this?” Mark asked, dumbfounded.

“This is all I _can_ say.” Youngjae shrugged, wiping his unshed tears. “I don’t know how to explain to you what I feel to him, for him. I can’t put in words the thoughts running in my mind, and honestly I can’t make sense out of it either. Truth be told, I’d probably do whatever it takes to stop anyone from returning to their cheating partner too but it’s different.”

“Everyone says that.” Mark tried to reason. “I know you feel out of the world with him Youngjae, but he hurt you. You may think its fine, he’ll stop but there’s millions of stories like this. He can do it again, and again. It’d be no different if he had abused you, I won’t let you. _I can’t_.” Mark snapped.

“I know what he did!” Youngjae exclaimed. “If he were to come up to our doorstep now, I’d probably punch him in the face. I’m angry, I’m upset but I’m trying to make it out of this. I’m not stupid enough to just return to him like nothing had happened.”

“But that’s exactly what you’ve been saying, you _want_ to return to him.” Mark replied, in an accusatory tone almost.

“Eventually, when I’m ready to. I’m just saying that I’d forgive him in time. If he makes me understand, I’d forgive him.”

“As if he has an excuse?”

“Not an excuse, but a _reason_.” Youngjae said.

“He slept with-”

“Hyung! I know what he did, but I’m telling you there’s _more_ to it. You don’t get it, you don’t have to get it. It doesn’t make sense to you, I know it doesn’t but I lived through it. To me, to him, it makes perfect sense.” Youngjae groaned, trying to put it all in words, to make Mark understand but he knows he couldn’t. It’s too much to be broken down.

“So you just expect me to keep quiet?” Mark asked.

“No, I just expect you to let me be _happy_. Isn’t that what you wanted?” Youngjae replied, reaching out to give the man’s hand a squeeze.

“How can you be happy with _him_?” Mark asked,

“I don’t know hyung. I don’t know why I fell for him. I don’t know why the smallest thing he does puts a smile on my face. I don’t know why it’s Jaebum out of all people that makes me happy. You can look around, but I don’t have answers for that. I just am. When I’m with him, I am just happy. And when I’m not, I’m not happy.” Youngjae explained softly, looking at Mark in the eye, his eye asking silently for Mark to just understand him.

“So just like that?” Mark scoffed. “He just have to apologise and you’d be back to his arms?”

“No, it’ll take more than that. I still don’t know why he did it, but I’m sure he have a reason. Once we talk about that, then I’ll see how I feel. Like I said, I’m happy with him, the entire package not just him physically like it was for the last few months of our relationship. So if he’s willing to give me his all, then…” Youngjae let the sentence hang in the air, knowing Mark knew where he was heading with it.

“So now, what?” Mark asked quietly, still trying to make sense out of it all.

“Now I’m just going to live day by day.” Youngjae said, with a big smile on his face. “I’ll slowly get better I’m sure. And whenever Jaebum is ready for me, and I him, we’d talk. But it won’t be today, or next week or maybe months from now. Because I don’t know hyung, how long it’ll take me to be ready. I don’t know what will happen when I see him again, but I know that I just want to be happy again.”

“What if you fall for someone else?”

“I doubt that.” Youngjae laughed a little, even though Mark can’t see the humour. “But if, then so be it. I’ll let nature take its course.”

“What if you found someone new, _then_ Jaebum comes to see you?” Mark bombarded him with even more questions.

“Hyung, you’re asking too many _ifs_. I barely know the present world, let’s not dwell on the future as well.” Youngjae shrugged, drinking his coffee, reaching out for the morning paper.

“These are things to think about!” Mark snapped again, slamming his hand down the paper. He can’t believe how nonchalantly Youngjae is replying to all these questions that Mark is sure; is necessary to think about.

“Look, I don’t even know what will happen tomorrow.” Youngjae said exasperatedly. “I want to focus on the present, figure out how I feel _now_ rather than how I _will_ feel cause that makes no sense. I can’t predict what I think I will feel, thinking and feeling is way too different. When the time comes, I’ll just do what makes me happy. _Okay_ , hyung?” Youngjae asked, face serious again. “Just trust my decisions, that whatever I choose, I choose to be happy. And it’ll be _my_ happy, not _your_ happy, not _logical_ happy, but how I truly feel.”

“Promise me then.” Mark grabbed his hand. “That you won’t choose anything to make others happy, but to always put yourself first.”

“What if making others happy gives me happiness.” Youngjae teased, trying to lighten the mood.

“ _Choi Youngjae!_ ” Mark snapped, hands itching to give the younger a smack on his head.

“I _promise_ that… I won’t ever do anything that will make me _unhappy_. I won’t keep quiet again if I’m hurting, I won’t let it happen to me without doing something about it.” Youngjae replied, holding onto Mark’s gaze. Youngjae didn’t know what Mark sees in his eyes, but whatever it was must’ve been enough for the man.

“I guess I ‘ll have to take that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, unbeta'd . I do try to read it again, and again to find some mistakes but some still get pass. Feel free to point it out, so I can change them and I hope it won't affect your reading exp too much T_T This is part 1 cause from now on (unless stated), I don't think I'll write anything from the 'past' again so no more past chapter. But I don't want to update the rest of the story under one long ass chapter. And I'm sorry it's only a small update after a week¿ idk but I've been having the biggest writer's block T_T I'm still trying to finish this by November, but at the same time I don't want it to be rushed so if it seems rushed, as always, let me know~


	28. Coffee

He was taking it day by day, focused on it and cutting himself off of any other distractions. He started to keep a journal even, something his doctor had recommended him to do and despite his early skepticism toward it, writing his daily life actually helps him a lot. It made him more rooted into the present rather than the past. He’d write down the time he wakes up, all the way to the things he’d eat throughout the day and even the conversations he’d have when he meet up with his coworkers, or Jinyoung and Jackson. He forced himself to smile more, talk to others, make friends at work and even managed to laugh at his ordeals with making new friends with his doctor, and Jaebum felt great.

 

***

 

He was taking it day by day, focused on it and cutting himself off of any distractions. He went back to teaching immediately, and the kids were making him busy enough to let his mind wander anyway. He even joined the gym, just a place to burn off his extra hours and he figured that he'd be too tired at the end of it to do anything else but sleep. So it worked, he slept more, mostly out of exhaustion but it's working. He cut off as much Jaebum as he could, and even Mark noticed how much healthier he'd been looking, and he felt great too. 

 

***

 

But some of the pages of that journal are filled with the descriptions of Youngjae. Jaebum convinced himself that he had to write them down because he don’t want to forget the younger man but it has only been a couple of months, and images of the younger man still burns at the back of his eyelid. He’d write down the earliest memories he had with Youngjae, the things he fell for, the things he’d forever love about the other man. Some nights when he’d wake up after dreaming of the other man, he’d write them down too. When writing things down doesn’t work, he’d call Jinyoung in tears because he stopped himself from drinking alcohol anymore, and Jinyoung was always there.

 

***

 

Youngjae decided to be completely honest with Mark, telling him everything that crosses his mind, and Mark had been helpful. He'd see Jackson too, during the times he'd come over to visit Mark and despite being a little scared of it at first, Jackson never brought up Jaebum, and he's thankful for it. Even when he meets up with Jinyoung a couple of times, Jinyoung would only ask how he was feeling and what has he been up to, to check on him as a friend, nothing more. And Mark tries to be as caring as possible, when he does bring up Jaebum, because the older one knows that Youngjae is never really over it. And that's when Youngjae is the most grateful, because try as he might, it's impossible to push Jaebum out completely. So through those nights where he'd just burst out crying out of nowhere because he missed Jaebum, Mark would comfort him through it, with no judgement, and Youngjae can't ever be thankful enough for that. 

 

***

 

“How have you been feeling?”

Great. Really good.

“When’s the last time you had any dreams about your past?”

Depends. I dream about Youngjae way too much, but my childhood not so much.

“That’s because Youngjae is not your past Jaebum-shi. But tell me about the dreams you’d have about your childhood.”

They’re not as vivid, rather than living it… It’s more like I’m watching it from the sidelines now, it’s more bearable.

“Do you write them down?”

I write everything down, so yeah, when I do have those dreams, I write them down.

“Go home, and read your journal Jaebum-shi. We’ll talk again.”

 

Reading through the journal made him realise how he had been changing. It’s a slow growth, but a growth nonetheless. Writing it down made him remember those incidents, not only when he dreams of them but in his waking moments, having to write them down made those memories runs through his head again and it made them accept it little by little. For the longest time he had tried to bury those memories as deep as possible, he forgotten that it wasn’t all bad. He started to remember the kids, his old friends at the orphanage. Moving houses to houses he made friends too, got himself into some trouble but instead of what comes after he remembers the freedom he felt during those moments. More than the bruises on the lady’s face, he’d remember the good food she’d cook for him and the way she’d talk so animatedly at times, talking about her own childhood.

And he noticed that at first there was nothing about Youngjae, but as more time passed, he wrote more about the other man. And reading the dreams, the memories, his heart longs for the other man. He never let himself mule over the younger man because he knows he doesn’t deserve it but now that he’s being honest, he wants to see the man again. He wants a hug, a kiss, just a smile would be fine. So Jaebum went to bed that night, thinking of countless scenarios where he’d meet the Youngjae again. Where he’d meet him, how he’d react, what he’d say. Should he even apologise? Knowing he don’t deserve forgiveness? Should he just walk away?

 

***

 

"Are you sure about this, Youngjae?" Mark asked, looking around at the boxes lying around Youngjae's room.

"Yes, hyung... It has been three months since I moved in here, it's time to find my own place." Youngjae replied, not bothered to stop with his packing because he had had this conversation way too many times. 

"Are you sure? Cause it's completely fine, I really don't mind." Mark shrugged.

"I mind it. Okay? I want a whole space not just a room. Despite this being a really lovely room." Youngjae added, with a smile but was returned with Mark's frown.

"You know you can do whatever you want to here, right?" Mark asked. "Have I been stopping you? Nope." He added with a shake of his head.

"Naked." Youngjae deadpanned.

"What?"

"I want to walk around naked. You're telling me you'd be fine with that?"

"Naked?"

"Completely naked." Youngjae replied.

"Yes, I'd fine with it if that's what you're comfortable with." Mark answered after a couple of seconds, all serious.

"Naked?!" Youngjae laughed, not expecting Mark to actually be okay with it. 

"What's this talk about being naked?" Jackson asked, pushing his head in the room, a box in one hand.

"Your boyfriend wants to see me naked, hyung." Youngjae continued laughing, especially when Jackson shot Mark a bewildered look.

"NO. Jackson, no. That's not what I said." Mark explained when Jackson elbowed his side. "I said you can do what you want, don't feel restricted by me."

"Hyung, I'm not a nudist. I was just trying to prove a point. With being naked."

"You guys are weird." Jackson mumbled, before leaving the room.

"Plus I'm sure Jackson hyung would very much appreciate having you all to himself again." Youngjae added once Jackson is out of hearing range.

"Wh- What? Is this what this is about?? He don't mind you here, Youngjae, really."

"No, it's not what this is about. This is just me wanting to move out because I am ready, hyung. I know you're worried, but you're welcomed to visit me anytime. But, like I've said a million times now, I _am_ ready." 

"Fine, fine. Since you're ready." 

 

***

 

But all of the things he thought of disappeared out of the window the day he actually met the younger man again. Well, rather then met it’d be more suitable to use saw, because the other man didn’t see him. He was on his way to his weekly appointment, when a sudden urge had dragged him to the park, the park where he confessed to Youngjae. As tradition, he made his way to the small coffee shop and bought himself a cup before making his way to the park, to their bench. He stopped dead in his tracks however, when he saw a figure already occupying the bench. It could be anyone, he told himself, trying to slow down his erratic heart. It could be, but it wasn’t.

When the man looked up, Jaebum ran and hid behind a tree nearby, where he can get a clear look at the younger man but not the younger man, at him. Taking a deep breath, he calmed himself down before peeking at the bench. The new hair colour took him by surprise, the younger has light brown hair now but he still looks just as beautiful of course. It has been over five months, since the day the younger man left and those five months had dragged on so long for Jaebum. But looking at Youngjae, sitting on their bench, his own cup of coffee in his hand, those four months seems like nothing.

 

***

 

It wasn't on purpose, but somehow his new place is directly next to the park he and Jaebum would frequent to, when they were still together. The first couple of weeks after he moved in, he'd purposely take the longer route to work, simply because he didn't want to go near the park. Which he realised was foolish then, to rent a place so close to it, but Youngjae never really did prided himself in long term thinking. Anyway, at first he was scared the park might triggered him into thinking about Jaebum, but then he thought to himself, by trying his best to avoid anything Jaebum, he'd actually be thinking of Jaebum. And then he realised that he had been thinking a lot about Jaebum but it isn't actually doing him any harm anymore. 

So he started visiting the park again, just for jogs at first. But then it became a frequent thing, to enjoy a cup of coffee at the park when ever he can. Some memories of Jaebum arose but they're more sweet than bitter. Some how, somewhere, along the way, he must've had gotten over the pain. Time does heal all wounds, he decided. When images of Jaebum would pop up, he'd just smile at the memory of it and relive it in his head, sipping his -their- hot coffee, sitting on that bench as time passes by. He started to wonder then, at what point, did he finally let go of the pain that Jaebum had caused him, but maybe he hadn't let them go? But with time, it just got buried away.

He still wants to know the reason, so he'd glad he can't actually forget about it, because to forget about it meant to forget about all the time they had spent together, and Youngjae doesn't want that. He was very happy, and nothing could make him regret having spent those couple of years with the other man. It's a shame what had happened, but their love was real, and he don't ever think he wants to forget that. So rather than blocking these memories of them, he let them float around his mind. And if there's a tint of sadness behind his smile, he doesn't force himself to dwell on it. 

 

***

 

Jaebum’s heart was still racing, though he’s not quite sure of what. Nerve? Excitement? He spent the next hour just staring at his past lover, his heart eventually calmed down a little just to feel like it had been cracked open. He felt it in his guts, how much he missed Youngjae but as much as he wanted to, he couldn't will his body to move even an inch closer to the other man. Jaebum came up with multiple scenarios as to how Youngjae would react, but he wasn't ready for any of it. Surely Youngjae would just run away? And Jaebum don't want to let go yet, he want to look at Youngjae, drink in every bit of him because he don't know if this will be the last time.

He ended up being late to his appointment that day, lying to his doctor about how there was traffic. He didn't know why he hid it from her, but he wanted to keep it to himself. He wanted to keep a little part of Youngjae that no one had touched, not even himself, and he wants that to be ingrained in his heart. But he saw Youngjae a few more times after that, and as always, he'd stay behind the tree, watching the younger man silently. After the first few times, he finally told his doctor, but he kept it away from anyone else, even Jinyoung. 

"Are you scared that Jinyoung will be upset at you?"

No, but I know he'll talk me out of it. He'd say it's wrong, which I guess it kinda is, I mean I'm literally spying on the kid. But I can't- I want to see him. I miss him. 

"Why don't you go talk to him Jaebum-shi? Are you not ready to tell him?"

I don't... I don't wanna hurt him again? I umm... I'm ready, but I don't know if he is, and I don't want to ambush him.

"How long are you planning to do this?"

I'll stop... Soon. Just- Just one more time. 

"You don't have to convince me, Jaebum-shi. I suggest you go and talk to him. You'd never know if he's ready otherwise."

But.

"And you said it yourself, you _want_ to explain yourself and that he _deserve_ to know. Think this through, Jaebum-shi."

 

***

 

"It's been a while since you both come here together, I thought you two had separated so I didn't want to say anything, I'm glad you're together now." The old lady said with a smile while passing him the cup of coffee.

"What?" Youngjae asked, thinking that the lady must've mistook him for someone else.

"Your boyfriend! You two used to come here all the time, but then after a while it was only him. Then you came again, and now you're always buying coffee together." 

"Together?" Youngjae asked, looking around him, finding no one but himself of course. Making him even more confused.

"Your boyfriend, silly! He came here just now right after you bought your first cup. Had been doing so for a while now. I did ask him of course, why you couldn't just buy it together but he told me you boys are too busy to go to the park together anymore, so you'd just meet up there instead." The lady smiled, and Youngjae suddenly find it hard to breathe. 

He rushed home, heartbeat pounding loudly, he can even feel every pulse but that might just be the extra caffeine he had been drinking lately he told himself. What if it's Jaebum, what if the old lady did remember them? They did go to the park quite frequently in those two years, after all. But if it is Jaebum, surely it's too wild to be a coincidence? For him to come right after Youngjae _every_ single time? What are the chances that they don't even bump into each other even once? What could it mean, he wondered. Maybe the lady did just mistook him for someone else, and in all honesty that'd make far more sense that anything he could come out with. 

What if it is Jaebum though? Youngjae skipped his dinner that night, in favour of thinking this over with the muted television screen playing in front of him. What if he _does_   bump into the other man, one of these days? What would he say? Should he listen to Jaebum, would Jaebum even try to talk to him? No, he'd make sure that Jaebum talks to him. He wants an explanation, he needs it. No matter what, he told himself, he'd make sure to talk to Jaebum. His heart races and his palms started to sweat, simply at the thought of it, but whatever comes afterwards, they'd just have to deal with it then.

Again, Youngjae never prided himself in long term thinking. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sure this has mistake all over but I've been so busy, am going to be so busy for a couple of week more. I am sleep deprived, exhausted and honestly - - this close to dying. Hence the forever it took to update this, but here it is. I have a couple of chapter left, I have the idea but I'm just so exhausted to even type shit. I'm sorry, I literally didn't even read through this for a second time. And I've never been so on the fence about an update, honestly let me know what's up.


	29. Couldn't

After a little over a month, Jaebum managed to get the times when Youngjae would visit the park. He’s not sure if Youngjae visited more, but for the time being he get to see Youngjae every other day, mostly after his working hours. His talk with his doctor was a little less than a week ago, where he had promised that it’d be the last time he’d sneak at Youngjae, but it ended up being a lie, because his feet would always lead him here, at the park. So now he promised himself that this would be the last time, with it being the end of the month. With the start of a new month, he’d start new too, no more spying on his ex lover.

Usually, Youngjae would’ve been sitting on the bench already, sipping his cup of coffee but for the first time he’s actually earlier. He waited a couple of minutes, before it dawned him that Youngjae might’ve had something on his schedule, and he might not even make it that day. He started to get anxious at the thought of that, because he had prepared himself for this to be the last time, because he needs this one more time. If Youngjae don’t show up today, then that’s it. Jaebum was so certain that that’d be the end of it.

He could always continue this, whatever it is he’s doing, but deep down he knows it’s wrong. If the younger one knows what he has been doing, he might not even visit the park anymore. Even though he don’t want to, he swore that this won’t continue on, he can’t be this selfish, forcing his actions on the younger one - with or without his knowledge - again. A couple of minutes added up to ten, then twenty minutes, and still the younger one hasn’t shown up. Jaebum knows he should probably leave, seeing that Youngjae would most probably not make it at all, but he kept on waiting. Just waiting.

 

***

 

 

Youngjae had been coming to the park five to ten minutes late, after the conversation he had with the coffee lady. He’d keep his eyes open, even making his way to the bench from different directions of the park; to look at everyone’s faces, looking for Jaebum’s familiar ones but he never found them. It wasn’t until the fourth time later, that he managed to catch a familiar silhouette not too far from the bench.

He immediately looked away, but turning to catch a couple of glances here and then. He couldn’t make sure that it was Jaebum, so he decided not to confront the man yet, it could be anyone else after all, but he was sure the next time he went to the park. The man was there again behind the same exact tree.

The next hour was spent on him willing himself to not stare directly at the tree, to confirm that it’s Jaebum but who else could it be? Even if he did walk there right now, what could he say? Ask of course, why is he doing this and If Youngjae thinks about it, it is actually borderline creepy what Jaebum is doing but his heart kind of melts a little over the fact that Jaebum still wants to see him. It just strengthens his belief that Jaebum didn’t cheat on him simply to cause his heartbreak, because he hates him.

So he ended up not going up to the man, the second time too. Instead, he took his time at the park, again, trying to catch glimpses of the other man. Just to be sure, he went to the coffee lady and asked her if his ‘boyfriend’ came after him again.

“Yes, but didn’t you two meet?” She looked at him questioningly.

“Umm, he called me last minute, to uh- To cancel. I was just wondering if I should surprise him with his favourite coffee.” Young stammered, but it seemed convincing enough for the lady.

“Oh, how sweet of you dear. But he managed to get his coffee.” She smiled.

 

***

 

 

It was unplanned for, when they actually met each other. Youngjae had been stuck with some extra work load and usually he wouldn’t mind it. Spending an extra hour or two at the kindergarten has never been a bother to him, because It’s not like anyone is waiting for him at home but he can’t help but to glance at the clock every five minutes. He didn’t know why, but he was conscious of letting Jaebum wait for him. And he must’ve had been rushing with his work, for even Mark to notice it.

 “Do you have plans or something, Youngjae-ah?” Mark asked, dropping by his desk to hand him a bit more work. “Because I could finish this alone, you seem to be… Rushing.”

“Uh, no, it’s fine.” Youngjae smiled, but Mark noticed how tight it was, and how his legs keeps shaking like how it usually would when the younger one is agitated.

“You sure? I really don’t mind.” Mark replied, an eyebrow raised.

“Uhh actually… Yeah I need to umm I need to… I got to go.” Youngjae replied, and the next thing he knew, the younger one was rushing off his desk, with an apology barely leaving his lips before he was out of the room.

 

Youngjae ran to the bus stop, and couldn’t keep his legs from shaking as he was waiting for the bus. Thoughts of Jaebum getting disappointed with him not being there started to cross his mind and he just grew even more impatient. He don’t know why he even bother to think about how Jaebum would feel, but he did. And he was trying to push logic and reason as far off as he could, because what if Jaebum thinks he no longer visits the park? What if Jaebum stop visiting the park too because of it? He had been spending the last week thinking of all the possible scenarios that could happen once he meets Jaebum again, he didn’t think about the possibility of them not meeting again.

By the time he reached the park, he was almost an hour late, and he didn’t even bother trying to hide, or head to the bench. Instead he ran straight to the tree. His heart was beating a hundred miles per hour, body slick with sweat after all the running, and he didn’t even know what to say but he didn’t even bother thinking about it and all of it came to an all time high the second he reached the tree.

“Jaebum!” He panted, bending over with his hands on his knees the second the reached the tree, trying to gain his breath again. He didn’t even see anything before he doubled over; hearing no reply, he didn’t even want to look up. “Jaebum, please…” He pleaded, still breathing hard, eyes shut as tears started to well up. He didn’t even know what he pleaded for, or what the tears meant, but all he wanted was to see Jaebum there.

“Jae?” He heard softly, and his head immediately snapped up, to see Jaebum on the ground, leaned back against the tree, and now rubbing his eyes as he yawned a little. “Youngjae?” The older one asked again, after he cleared his throat.

“Jaebum.” He muttered, staring at the man. The blood was pounding in his ear, muting any other sound except for his and Jaebum’s voice. The tears started to blur his vision so he blinked them away, letting it roll down his cheeks. “Jaebum.” He croaked, falling on his knees as his legs gave away.

“Youngjae!” Jaebum rushed to him, any trace of sleep completely gone. He reached out to wipe the younger one’s tears away, but he stopped midair, before pulling his hand back.

They sat in front of each other, silence feeling the space between them and Youngjae saw everything, the smallest details. How Jaebum’s breath started to get faster as his own slows down. He saw the way Jaebum has his fist clenched so tightly, that the knuckles were turning white. He saw the frown on the other man’s face, even though the man was looking down and the way his jaw locked, whenever he’s holding himself back. And he wants to reach out, to hold his hand so he wouldn’t clench it so hard, but he can’t move a muscle, all of this still felt so unreal to him.

 

***

 

Jaebum thought he’d be fine if he ever meet Youngjae again. He had been watching him for over a month now so he noticed the smallest changes the younger one had, from his hair, his weight; he thought he noticed all but now that they’re barely a meter apart, he still finds his breath caught in his throat. The younger one was crying, face red and chest heaving, and Jaebum had to force himself from pulling the younger man in for a hug. He couldn’t even say a word, even though there’s thousands that he wants to say.

Minutes, maybe even hours passed before he decided he couldn’t stay there any longer. He didn’t dare look up, he’s not ready to see the tears on Youngjae’s face again. He felt like he might faint, as he held his breath to hear the slightest sound Youngjae would make, but the younger one hadn’t said a word as well. He didn’t know how long it was, but he couldn’t continue sitting there, so he stood up in a rush, taking a couple of seconds to let the vertigo pass, before turning around to grab his bag.

“Jae.” The younger one said, and that made Jaebum stop in his track, back facing the younger man. “Please don’t run away from me again..” He heard the younger one whisper, and every word hit him like a bullet. He stood still, not daring to leave but not daring to turn around either.

He thought he was ready, to meet Youngjae again. When his doctor had asked him, he was so certain then that he’d be able to explain everything to Youngjae. He was so certain that the only thing that had been holding him back is the fact that he don’t want to hurt Youngjae. But having the man in front of him, all he wants to do is to hide in a corner, because everything that he had done to the man bombarded him all at once The tears, the screaming, the hurt in his eyes made Jaebum’s knees buckles, and all he knows is that he can’t stay here, he’s not ready to hurt Youngjae again.

“Hyung.” A hand reached his, to pull him back down and his body moved involuntarily, until he’s back sitting on the ground. “Aren’t you gonna say anything?” Youngjae asked, and Jaebum can hear the hint of anger in it, and it scared him.

“You… You should go.” He finally said, looking at the younger one briefly, before turning his head away.

“Why?” Youngjae croaked, voice cracking as tears threatens to fall again.

“Please.” Jaebum begged, when he heard the crack in Youngjae’s voice.

Youngjae grew annoyed, because he thought Jaebum changed, but no. He still selfishly and cowardly avoid him. But Youngjae won’t let this happen again; he won’t stay quiet and let Jaebum do whatever he decides is right for himself. It all started with him giving too much face to Jaebum anyway, and staring at Jaebum now, not even sparing him a glance just boils his blood. He don’t deserve this, he could just walk away because honestly to Youngjae it suddenly feels too tiring. He feels angry, and he was finally getting better too. He don’t want all the negative energy again, he sure as hell don’t deserve it. But he refuse to walk away, like Jaebum did.

“Look at me.” Youngjae said, staring at the man but Jaebum didn’t do anything. He sat still, face downcast, still looking away from Youngjae. And Youngjae lost it.

“I said look at me!” Youngjae shouted, grabbing Jaebum by the collar, and the older man finally looked at him; eyes wide in shock, filled with unshed tears. “Say something, fuck!”

“I- I’m sorry…” The older one mewled after a pregnant second of silence, shaky hands reaching up to place it on top of Youngjae’s. “I’m so sorry.” Jaebum then closed his eyes, and the tears streamed down as he started to cry. His nails were digging into Youngjaes flesh; that’s how hard he was gripping it. “I’m sorry, Youngjae-ah.”

“For what?” Youngjae asked, wiping his own tears away with his free hand.

“For everything.” Jaebum sobbed as he doubled over, hanging onto Youngjae’s arm like it’s his lifeline. “I’m sorry for doing all those things to you… I’m sorry for dragging you into all of this, I hurt you. God- I hurt you so bad, I shouldn’t had even let you- I shouldn’t had asked you out, I shouldn’t had even met you. I’m so sorry for hurting you.”

“W-What are you saying, you.. you regret meeting me?” Youngjae asked, loosening his grip.

It cracked then, whatever Youngjae had made himself believe, the thing that had kept him moving. The love that they had, had made him certain that they could get through this, the love that they had were the thing that made him want to meet Jaebum again, the thing that made him willing to give a chance for Jaebum to explain himself. Because Youngjae was so certain, that they had something special, that no matter what could happen, it’d be okay as long as they love each other. But to hear it from Jaebum, that he’s sorry, that he regrets ever asking him out, he felt blindsided with an uppercut. The cheating angered him because they had wasted months of their time but to hear this, it felt like the whole two years for them together had meant nothing at all.

“If we hadn’t had met, I wouldn’t had hurt you so bad. It’s all my fault, you were better off without me, but I… I was being selfish, I thought we’d be okay.” Jaebum looked up, hands reaching out to grip Youngjae’s bicep. “If I had known, I swear I wouldn’t had- But I really thought we’d be okay. I swear Youngjae, I really thought I was finally... okay.”

“If you had known what?” Youngjae asked.

“If I’d known it’ll come back. My past, if I’d known it’ll come back to haunt me again.” Jaebum whispered, before letting go of Youngjae and pulled his knees to his chest, curling into himself with his face resting in the nook of his arms that’s resting on his knees. Youngjae looked at Jaebum helplessly as the man continued crying. People had started to stare at them but Youngjae couldn’t care less at that moment.

He thought he’d be the one crying, and he did ended up crying of course, but he didn’t expect to see Jaebum looking so torn. He had never seen the older man so broken, crying his heart out like this, and it broke his own heart. Youngjae’s heart sank at the thought of whatever traumatic past Jaebum have, for him to be bawling like this. Youngjae wanted to know the reason, that’s all he could think about for so many months but now looking at the man, he wondered if he really should open up that old wound. Is it really worth it to tear open Jaebum like this?

“Hyung…” Youngjae breathed, pulling Jaebum’s arms aside and wiped the older man’s tears away. “Stop crying. Please. I won’t ask anymore, just stop crying.”

Jaebum finally stopped crying a couple minutes later, and Youngjae sat next to him for them to be touching but without any direct contact. It took a couple of more minutes until Jaebum calmed completely down and they continued to sit there, in silence. The sun slowly started to disappear in the horizon, and they just sat there uninterrupted. Both with a thousand and one thoughts running through their minds a million miles an hour. Their silence was interrupted when Jaebum’s phone started to ring; he was about to decline but it was his doctor.

 _“Hello? … Sorry, I forgot… Something came up… Can I cancel this one?…Okay…Okay, I’ll make it to the next one… Okay… Bye.”_ Jaebum hangs up.

“You should go…” Youngjae spoke up. “Seems like you have somewhere to be.” He said, before standing up, brushing off the dirt and grass off of his clothes.

“That was my doctor, Jae-ah. I forgot about my appointment.” Jaebum replied, and Youngjae grew concerned immediately.

“Doctor appointment? Are you- Are you sick?” Jaebum almost smiled a little at the panic tainting the younger one’s tone. He looked up, and the smile disappeared.

“You can say that.” He said before getting up himself, a little shaky.

“Sick, where?” Youngjae asked, helping Jaebum to get steady on his feet while staring at Jaebum’s face for any sign of illness.

“Youngjae, I have something to show you. Do you mind coming with me?”

 

***

 

They decided to walk to Jaebum’s rather than taking the bus. The crisp night air helped both of them, but not the silence. But it wasn't a heavy silence, there was no need to fill it. For the both of them, the presence of the other felt nice, and they ended up walking unnecessarily close to each other, just to feel the other’s warmth. Jaebum still have the habit of making sure Youngjae walks on the inner side of the sidewalk, and when Jaebum silently pulls him to the side and change their position so it was him walking next to the road, Youngjae felt a familiar flutter in his heart that he haven’t felt in a while.

Jaebum’s heart was racing, the closer they get to his home. Everything happened so sudden, he didn’t even know why it affected him so badly earlier. It wasn’t his past anymore, it was Youngjae. He knows he doesn't deserve it, the forgiveness; so his instant reaction was to escape but it’s not fair to Youngjae. He knows it, but when Youngjae came up to him, everything blurred out and they were back to where they were months ago, him hurting Youngjae and Youngjae letting him. It took a while for him to calm down, and when his doctor called, he snapped out of it. It was like he got a steady footing back in the present again, in reality.

“We’re here.”

 

***

“Coffee?” Jaebum asked, as Youngjae settle down on the couch.

“No thanks.” He replied, looking around and taking everything in. There was nothing here that was from their old apartment, and to be honest he felt a little hurt at the thought that Jaebum had thrown their old stuff out.

“I’ll be back.” Jaebum said, before he entered one of the rooms. Youngjae closed his eyes and leaned back against the couch, taking deep breaths in. It smells so much like Jaebum here that Youngjae wants to just curl up and spend forever here. But he opened his eyes again, when he heard Jaebum’s footstep.

“Here.” Jaebum said, handing him a book. Youngjae look at it questioningly, taking it from the older one. “It’s my journal.”

“Journal?” Youngjae asked, not opening the book yet.

“My psychiatrist asked me to start writing one. It helps.” Jaebum explained, sitting down on the coffee table so he’s facing the younger man.

“Psychiatrist?” Youngjae’s eyes widened.

“Yeah, I finally went to meet one.” Jaebum offered a small smile. “Everything that happened to me… It’s all in there, Jae-ah. I know it’s long overdue, but… You deserve to know.”

“Are you sure, hyung?” Youngjae asked, careful not to hurt Jaebum but he silently hopes that Jaebum wouldn’t take it back though. He can’t seem to believe it, the cause of so many of their arguments are finally in his hands.

“Yeah, I’m sure.” Jaebum nodded. “I’ll let you take it home to read, there’s quite a lot. For now though, I’ll just- I’ll start from the beginning.”

“Your adoption?”

“I was left by my mum. That’s my earliest memory. And after that it was just a shitty home to another shitty home. I know I’m not the only kid that goes through those kind of things, so that’s why I never bothered reaching for help I guess. And I hate pity, people always treat kids like me like we’re something less than them and I hate that.”

“I would’ve _never_.” Youngjae chipped in.

“I… I’d rather not find out. I didn’t want anyone to pity me, especially you. But that’s why I never told anyone about it, refused to seek any help.” “But you told Jinyoung hyung. Didn’t you?” Youngjae asked. “Jinyoung knew bits and pieces but he also found out the whole thing aft- after our… you know. But I broke down before, and he was there, so he knew how it was for me.” Jaebum replied.

“Broke down?” “I know it’ll sound like an excuse but… This whole thing happened because of a break down. Remember the nights I’d not be able to sleep? I started getting nightmares, the ones I used to have, about my past. When I was with you, I never had those dreams, Jae-ah. That’s why I thought we’d be fine, but they came back again, and I just- _I lost hope_.“ Jaebum sighed. “The last time it happened I left for like a month but Jinyoung was the only friend I had, so I came back.”

“Why didn’t you tell me? I could’ve helped. I wanted to, I _tried_.” Youngjae choked up, at the memory of him feeling so helpless.

“It wasn’t your burden to carry, and I was scared I’d drag you down with me. Nothing good ever came out with being with me.” Jaebum replied quietly.

“That’s my choice to make, Jaebum! Remember those nights?! I can't get it out of my head! All I've been thinking is how I could've done more for you on those nights!” Youngjae snapped. “I was willing to go anywhere with you, yet you decided for _yourself_ and you just threw me out of your life.”

“I wanted to run away, I thought of leaving you.”

“How is that any better?” Youngjae exclaimed, appalled.

“But I _couldn’t_ … Because I was so selfish, I couldn’t bring myself to leave you so I…” Jaebum left the sentence to hang.

“How are dragging those people home helping you?” Youngjae scoffed, tears welling up in his eyes again but now it’s tears of frustration, unnamed faces of those people resurfacing in his mind.

“I don’t deserve help. At least I thought so, but you needed to leave so I- I forced it out of you.” Jaebum whimpered. “I needed you to leave me.”

“So instead of telling it to my face, you played me?!” Youngjae shouted in anger.

“I’m sorry Youngjae!” Jaebum cried out. “But I- I really-” Jaebum stammered, finsing the right words to say but in the end just sighed. Youngjae doesn’t need more excuses, he thinks. “ I was a coward, and that’s just the horrible person I am. Leaving me was the best thing that could happen to you.” He added quietly.

“You said you don’t want any pity, but you’re so full of _self pity_! You were so full of yourself that you tear me open like that because you _dare_ say it’s what's best for me? Who are _you_ to decide that?!” Youngjae screamed when he could see how Jaebum just decided to shut down again in front of him.

“I’m _me_!” Jaebum cried out, stunning the younger one to silence. “I’ve lived my whole life watching everyone I know getting fucked over and I can’t let you do that to yourself. You would’ve spent your whole life by my side even if everything went to chaos because that’s the type of person you are Youngjae. But I, I don’t _deserve_ that. I don’t deserve you and you deserve far better than me!” They were both in tears now, pent up frustrations finally finding a way out.

“ _I_ get to decide what's best for _me_ … And I wanted to be there for you. “ Youngjae said to the older man. “But somehow the only person you only let it is… Jinyoung hyung.”

“I was helpless when you left. And he... Jinyoung tried everything to help me and I was… I was too tired to be stubborn then. I lost you, I couldn’t lose him too, I don’t think I could handle that.”

“I wouldn’t had left you, _you made me_.”

“I know I deserved it, but when you left I don’t think I’ve ever been worse… Everything that happened to me In the past doesn’t even compare.” Jaebum whispered, reaching out his hand to caress Youngjae’s face. “You leaving was the worst thing that had ever happened to me.” But Youngjae pulled away, and rushed out towards the door.

“I have to go.” He choked, and didn’t leave any chance for Jaebum to chase him.

 

***

Day 1

The appointment went fine. I didn’t have any nightmares last night, but the last one I had was about her. It’s nothing new, the same bruises, same tears. That’s all for now.

 

Day 8

I’m used to this now, writing is not as awkward as I’d thought it’d be. Well, I woke up at 7 today, had pancakes for breakfast on my way to work. Work went fine too, had a couple of meetings before I head out for lunch with Jinyoung; pasta for lunch. Today is exactly a month since I’ve moved out our old apartment, and I had to busy myself for the whole day so that I don’t go there, I even skipped dinner and only reached home a lil over midnight. I showered and now am writing this, before bed. It’s too much, our memories there would only make me worse, even Dr Park suggest that it’s better not to. I still have stuff I left that needs to be picked up but, maybe later? I don’t know, maybe I should just throw away everything.

 

Day 13

I dreamt of soft hands, thin and frail. I can’t seem to find the body or the face the hands are attached to, only the entrance of the church in front of me. Maybe it’s because it’s only a dream, or maybe that was how it really seemed to me, since I was only a small kid, but he entrance was towering over us. It was huge and intimidating, I think I was crying? But I’m not sure. I woke up drenched in sweat, like usual. Even the coffee didn’t help much this time, I went to sleep hours later with her hands still in my mind.

Jinyoung visited me, buying breakfast on his way here, just a couple of pastries. I told him about the dream, and as always he just listened and be understanding. I didn’t tell him, that I thought it has to be my mum, but I think he knew anyway. He told me he’d be going back to Jinhae for a week or two, and asked me to come with him, but I declined. He’d be spending more time with me than his family, and I don’t want that. He insisted as always, but I told him I can’t take off from work, and it worked. I always love going back to Jinhae, simply because his family always welcomes me. But I always feel guilty too, because whenever I watch Jinyoung getting along so well with his mum I can’t help but to want that.

Makes me wonder what my mum is like, it’s not like I just appeared out of thin air; though it feels like it at times. If our situation had been different, if she had raised me, would we have the relationship Jinyoung has with his mum? Or the one Youngjae have with his? Sometimes I find myself missing her, but it’s ridiculous, how can I miss something I never have? But when I see them with their mums, that’s the only word I could use to explain the melancholy feeling I’d feel. Perhaps it’s longing?

 

Day 20

Went to our old apartment today, decided to leave things as they are. I just took some things I really need and left right after. It’s a squeeze to pay both rents, but it’s manageable. I can’t bring myself to leave the apartment, not without Youngjae at least. So much happened there, but the bad made all the good disappear to be honest.

I had lunch and dinner with the food that Jinyoung brought back to me from Jinhae, it’s been awhile since I had some home cooked meal so it’s amazing… I miss having warm home cook meals.

 

Day 35

I didn’t write any last night, because I ended up too drunk and had Jinyoung send me home. I couldn’t stop thinking about Youngjae, and I couldn’t handle it. Why can’t I just forget it all? It’s too late to be a good person now anyway, I’ve done too much. His only mistake was to fall for me, and even that is on me. All I saw was his tears yesterday, and it was non stop. He just kept on crying and crying, and I hated it. I don’t want to hear it, so I drank it away.

It didn’t do much, I’d just remember how much I missed him, how red he’d get when he drinks. How he always puts me in bed when I get a little too drunk. I miss him, so much. Even when I don’t deserve to, I can’t help help but to want him back. I want to drive up to Mokpo myself, and bring him back. I want him back, I want my baby back.

 

Day 47

Karaoke. I actually had fun at the karaoke today, with some of my coworkers. I’ve always declined their offers, because I’d rather spend whatever free time I have with Youngjae, but it’s not like there’s anyone waiting for me at home now. I promised to join their next karaoke session, I wonder how that’ll go?

 

Day 59

I only slept for two hours last night, before I was woken up from another nightmare. It’s been a couple of weeks, but of course it’ll return.

The dream started with me walking home from work, but instead of reaching to the apartment I find myself at that house, with him waiting for me with his wife bruised up at his feet. I ran to her, but he hit me. I couldn’t move, and he just kept hitting me over and over again. I closed my eyes and curled up on the floor till I feel numb, but then I opened my eyes to find the belt that he used to hit me in my hands, and Youngjae kneeling in front of me, crying.

I wanted to vomit. I ran to the bathroom and just let the cold water wash over me, but I ended shaking like a leaf. I tried to make myself coffee but I ended up burning myself with hot water, so I gave up and went to sit on the couch. And I just sat for hours, until my alarm rang the next morning, snapping me out of it.

 

Day 74

I had a dream yesterday, the first one since… _That_ one.

Maybe it’s the comedy I watch last night before sleep, but I dreamt of the other kids at the orphanage. Not the nun, not my mum, but the kids. It was pleasant, and I woke up this morning confused. I’ve never had a good dream about my past.

 

Day 103

Doctor asked me to read back this journal, and I did.

I’m improving I think. I’ve been having less and less nightmares, and replacing them with sweeter dreams. How could I had forget all those? I’m even considering searching for some of my old classmates, I wonder how they’re living right now? It’ll be nice to reconnect with old friends. No more crying Youngjae too, that’s good. I’ve yet to do anything with the old apartment, haven’t had planned to do anything, really. I’ve been thinking about Youngjae a lot, I find myself day dreaming about how it’ll be like when we meet again. Would he even want to meet me? If I tell him everything, would he forgive me? I’ve done too much damage though, I think.

 

Day 104

I saw him.

I saw _Youngjae._

My hand is still shaking as I write this.

 

Day 107

He changed his hair, it looks great on him. He was wearing running shoes, didn’t even know the kid could run. But of course it has been months, he must’ve picked up new habits. Maybe even a new someone?

I’m would not be surprised, who wouldn’t fall for him, he’s _perfect._

My heart started racing again, and I could feel myself blushing like a teenager having a crush. But it’s not much different from the truth, I’m watching the one I love from afar. I feel a lil guilty, stalking him like this. But god, I missed him so much.

 

Day 113

The coffee lady asked me, and I had to lie about it. She told me it’s nice to see us back together, oh how nice it would be indeed. Youngjae was in a suit today, and I was blushing behind a tree, how pathetic. I haven’t told anyone about this, I wanna keep this for me. I’ll keep what I can get of him.

 

Day 129

I decided to stop. I won’t go see him again after this week. The past month, all I’ve written is him. And he doesn’t even know about it, it’s wrong. Why do I keep doing him wrong? I’m sorry, Youngjae-ah.

 

***

 

_Youngjae_

I just woke up, it’s currently a little past four a.m. I go this sudden urge to talk to Youngjae so, I’m going to do just that. This is not a journal entry, I don’t even know what this is.

Youngjae-ah, are you eating well? I used to have to remind you not to skip meals, and to always take your vitamin. I hope you’re doing just fine managing it by yourself now. No, I’m sure you’ll be fine. You’re so strong, such a good man; I don’t know how I ended up with you to be honest. How about the kisses good night? I miss getting them, and I know it's wrong, but I hope you haven't found someone new to replace my kisses with theirs. 

One day, when you do. I hope you won't forget me, at least the good moments we had. Even if it doesn't seem so, I love you. I know it's not enough, nothing will ever be enough but I really did it because I want the best for you. You were kind, too good to be tainted by me. It's horrible, but I knew I'd cause you pain eventually, so I'd thought I'd just get it over with. And let you move on and find happiness elsewhere. 

It's not that I doubt our love were strong enough to handle it, but I know I won't. And you, being the person I had fallen for, I know you'd carry the burden for me, on my behalf. And I can't let that, I should be the one protecting you. 

I failed that too, in the end. 

Youngjae-ah, I want to be happy. 

I want your hugs, your kisses, your everything. I want you back so bad I can't even explain it, I just want you. 

But I'm not an idiot, I'm not heartless. So I kept away from that bench, I kept watching you from afar. Despite everything, I still stayed selfish so I deserve this. I'm sorry you had to be dragged down along with it, I'm sorry I dragged you down. 

I'm sorry.

That's the only thing I could say to you, no? And I am sorry. I'd go to hell for this, I'm sure. And I don't even want you to forgive me, cause I don't deserve it but I just want to tell you I'm so sorry. 

Again, with the selfishness, huh? That's all I am I guess, selfish. Apologising so that I'd get peace. 

So I won't do it, I won't walk up to you to tell you I'm sorry. I'll stay here, far from you so I can never hurt you again. I hope you'll be happy, god knows you deserve it. 

I love you, Youngjae-ah. I really do. 

 

***

 

Youngjae read the journal, and reread it. He passed the week just reading word by word, trying to understand what kind of past the other man had, the abuse he had to go through. Suddenly the strong and fearless Jaebum that he has in his mind morphed to a small boy, wanting nothing but for a companion that'd stay by him for always. It's pitiful, so he understood -almost- what Jaebum had meant when he said he didn't want anyone's pity. He sees why Jaebum never talks about it but surely he was different? Surely there's an exception, unless Jaebum really did see him as another stranger that he's just crossing roads with. 

But what they had was love, and wasn't love all about taking care of each other? He never even had the chance, because Jaebum just won't let him in. All those times where he went to sleep thinking that he's not a good enough boyfriend, all those times that he'd beat himself over it for not trying hard enough to comfort Jaebum; they are still too fresh in his mind, they still hurts. Those arguments that had left them in frustration for days on end, they could've been simply avoided it if Jaebum had told him. If Jaebum had trusted him enough to.

At the end it just boils down to the fact that Jaebum doesn't trust him to be strong enough.

But how could he, when everyone he knows ends up leaving him or separated from him? Jaebum had to be strong for himself, because he never had anyone else to share the burden with. Maybe if he had known Jaebum longer, the way Jinyoung had, Jaebum would've learnt to share his burdens with him too? But what kind of relationship did they have if there was no trust in it to begin with? The relationship that he wants so bad to have again, is it even worth it?

He said he thought he'd never get those dreams again, so maybe he thought he no longer had any burden on him? But he could've shared it the second he started having those nightmares again. He tried, god knows how hard he tried to be there for Jaebum, but he didn't even know what was wrong. As much as Youngjae wants to understand Jaebum, he couldn't quite do it completely. He had always been there for Jaebum, what more could he have done? Was it even love, if Jaebum kept so much things from him? 

No, Youngjae thought to himself. He couldn't blame Jaebum for not wanting to share his past, it has been traumatic for the other man. He _knows_ that, but it's a little too late. Every time Jaebum apologise to him now, he's just reminded of what Jaebum had done to him and he hates that, because he just wants to forget it. Forget it and move on with Jaebum, to have what they used to have again. And it's frustrating, because he wants Jaebum back so badly too but how can he trust him again? What if he have another break down and decides to run away? Maybe it's selfishness on his part, but he tried unconditional love once, and look where he ends up at. 

The longing he feels is balanced, if not more, with the anger he have for the man. More than the cheating, he's angry because Jaebum made him so cautious now to the point that he don't think he could ever fully trust Jaebum again. Some nights he'd go to sleep just wondering what his life would be like if he moves in back with Jaebum, to start over and he'd actually finds himself happy. The next morning however, he'd feel so disgusted with himself to even consider getting back with Jaebum, after all that he had done to him.

As much as Youngjae wants to forgive the man now that he knows the reason behind it, he just  _couldn't_. 

 

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope the 6.7 k words makes up for the fact that it's been forever heh... So one more to go! Tbh I wanted to just fit it all here but the next week is very tight for me, so imma leave this here for now. Thanks for the comments guys! I did take a few days off to rest and yes it helps a shit ton. I just don't wanna disappoint anyone I guess! Anyway, yeah, 1 more to go.


	30. End

It's been over a week since Jaebum gave Youngjae his journal, and he has yet to hear anything from the younger man. He contacted Jinyoung immediately that night, right after Youngjae left so that he'd have something to hold his footing, so that he won't get so anxious that he'd do something he'd regret. And Jinyoung stayed on the line for him for hours, until Jaebum calmed down. The anxiety is still high, but he's getting better by the day, trying his best to not dwell on what Youngjae would say or do when he does come back to see him; if he comes back at all.  

He could only imagine how hard it must've been for the younger man, to have blamed himself for the whole thing this whole time and in all honesty he does try to block it out of his head, the guilt of having done that to Youngjae. Despite wanting the younger one back, he really just hoped to God that more than anything, the journal would give Youngjae peace of mind, Whether or not he'll decide to forgive Jaebum is secondary. A small part of him is a little relieved that the younger man is taking this much time; because now he knows that Youngjae is really thinking this through, not just jumping into any decisions. 

Knowing the younger man, and knowing how much he had loved him; Jabeum had worried that Youngjae would forgive him just for the sake of getting back together. He had played with Youngjae's love once before and he don't ever want to manipulate it again, consciously or not. So he's glad that the younger one is not doing that right now, though he of course knows that he was the reason why Youngjae is no longer acting on impulsive love. He was the reason that Youngjae probably would never do that again, because he had broken Youngjae's trust. 

 And that's when he started to give up, started to lose hope about Youngjae ever becoming his again. As much as he wants to move on with the man, he had cause too much damage, he knows that. Even if Youngjae were to want to get back with him, he don't think he'd ever be comfortable with it anyway. How could he? After all that he had done. Who in the right mind would want to return to a cheater, and how can he let the younger man return to him so shamelessly? Whatever the cause or whatever reasons he had, it couldn't justify Youngjae hurting because of him. And he'd have to carry the guilt forever. 

 

 

***

 

 

"He still haven't reached out to you yet?" Jinyoung asked, laying down a couple of plates on the dinner table while Jaebum brought out their dinner.

"No, he haven't. It's only been a couple of weeks though, I'm not surprised. If I'm honest I'm even a little glad." Jaebum replied, putting the food on their plates before taking his seat.

"Glad? What for?" Jinyoung asked with an eyebrow raised.

"The longer he takes to reach back to me... The more time I have to hope that it'd be okay, even though I know it won't." Jaebum replied, digging into his food but Jinyoung put down his utensils altogether. 

"You don't know what he'd say, hyung. Don't be so pessimistic."

"I'm not being pessimistic, it's realistic." Jaebum too then stopped eating. 

"Hyung-" Jinyoung started but Jaebum cut him off. 

"No, Jinyoung-ah. It's okay, you don't have to make it better cause it's not going to. Like I said, the more time I have, the better it is for me."

"I'm not just saying it to make you feel better, hyung, but there _is_ a chance that he'd return to you." Jinyoung continued to prod. 

"Out of a what? A million? A billion? Who in their right mind would return to me?" Jaebum asked, trying to make a point to Jinyoung. 

"Who's counting? And I'm not taking about anyone, it's _Youngjae_." Jinyoung pointed out.

"What if I _don't_ want him to accept me again? What if I _want_ him to leave me?" Jaebum asked, and looking at his friend challenging the man. 

"What? Why would you want that?" Jinyoung asked. 

"Because I cheated on him! I hurt him! How could I ask him back? I can't keep dragging him down." Jaebum explained himself dejectedly. 

"But hyung..." Jinyoung sighed, knowing full well that if it had been any other man, he probably would advice Youngjae to leave the man. But it is not another man, and he knows that Youngjae is the only thing that could give Jaebum the happiness that he deserves.

"Let's just eat, Jinyoungie." Jaebum replied, and Jinyoung just sighed. 

 

 

***

  

 

"How long are you going to read that book, Youngjae-ah?"Mark sighed, as another day passes with Youngjae's nose buried deep in the book. 

"I'm just... Trying to understand." Youngjae replied quietly.

"You've read that from front to end like ten times now, I'm sure you've missed nothing. Maybe there's nothing to understand." Mark shrugged, still bitter about the fact that Youngjae only told him about Jaebum. a week after the whole encounter happened. 

"Hyung-" Youngjae started, with a glare at him but Mark rolled his eyes and cut him off.

"Fine, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it that way, but honestly it's been almost a month now. What more are you searching for?" 

"I'm not searching for anything, hyung." Youngjae shook his head, before closing the book and laying in on the table as he reclined back on his chair, idly playing with his thumbs. 

"Then why are you reading it again and again?" Mark asked, seriously. 

"You want me to be honest?" Youngjae asked, looking up at Mark and the other man just nodded him to continue. "It smells like him."

"Smells like him?" Mark groaned, not expecting such a cheesy answer. 

"It's not just that hyung. It smells like him, and the writings are smudged a little because he's left handed. On some pages there'd be small doodles that I know he drew on subconsciously because his textbooks were filled with them too. On certain words there'd be blots of ink, where he pressed down the pen too hard, mostly on the ones he'd write right after he have a nightmare. And the pages about me... There's dried tear stains, his tears. And all the words in here is from his memory, his mind, written by his hand... This book _is_ him. It's all the parts of him that he never shown me before, it's all the parts that I had begged him to show me. Everything this book is; is the part of him that had made us end up in this whole mess, it's all this book... And yet."

"And yet?" Mark asked, when Youngjae stayed quiet, staring at the said book. 

"And yet it's the only thing that could probably bring us back together."

" _What?_ " Mark asked, not knowing that Youngjae had even planned on getting back together with Jaebum. 

"So the reason why I'm reading and reading it again is because... I don't know where this book stands for me, _not yet_. Should I close it, lock it away as something poisonous? The thing that ended me and Jaebum or should I let it bloom? Let it be the start of a new thing? But I can't just lock it away, these are more than words, they're him. I can't just throw away the part of him that he had finally opened up for me to see, and _yes_ , there's times were it seems so appealing. And eye for an eye, they say but I don't want that. If there's one thing I realised from this whole thing is that... It's _us,_ it's not me versus him. Him hurting hurts me too and me hurting ended up being too much for our relationship. When either one of us is hurting, it affects us both."

"You don't have to hurt him but Youngjae-ah, you don't have to go back to him either. You two don't have to be an _'us'."_

"But it does. If I let him go, it'll just prove whatever doubts he had earlier were true, that I _would_ leave him. And that'd just mean that he has every right to be scared as he was and that would justify the things that he did. Then it wouldn't make sense for me to be angry cause he was indeed in the right and that'd mean I wouldn't even... need to break up with him." Youngjae rambled on, leavign Mark to look at the younger man with disbelief. 

"But it _had_ happened, Youngjae." Mark asserted. "This is not some... _scientific_ thing, it's not some sort of wormhole in the space time continuum bullshit . It's as simple as he had hurt you, and you deserve to leave him."

"You don't understand-" Youngjae shook his head. 

" _Because you're not making any sense_!" Mark snapped.

"I can't let him go because I can't live with that! To be just another person that leaves him, I can't live with that guilt. You're thinking that I'm being stupid... And putting him over me right now but for the first time ever, I'm actually being really _really_ selfish right now, hyung. I'm thinking about things that'd make _me_ happy!"

"You wanna go back to him, then?" Mark sighed, getting real tired of asking this question. 

"But... I can't go back to him either, he hurt me... It still hurts." Youngjae looked away, blocking out the dreaded images out of his mind. 

"So what are you saying, Youngjae? What _do_ you want?" Mark asked, wanting Youngjae to answer him with finality. 

"I... just want to be happy, hyung."

 

 

***

 

 

"Can you believe he said that?" Mark groaned, after complaining the whole conversation he had with Youngjae earlier to his lover. 

"I mean..." Jackson shrugged, and Mark just turned to look at him with a frown.

"Don't tell me you're on _his_ side? He made zero sense Jackson!" Mark shouted. 

"Do you want me to be honest with you or do you want me to be a supportive boyfriend right now?" Jackson sighed.

"Why can't those two be the same thing?!" Mark frowned.

"Because... I _do_ see the sense behind it." Jackson replied with a shrug. 

"How?!" Mark ask, mouth agape. First it was Youngjae, now Jackson too? Why is he the only one that is using his brain, Mark thought to himself. 

"I mean... I'm surprised you don't see it to be honest."

"See what, Jackson? Please, for the love of God, talk some sense right now." Mark said exasperatedly.

"Now you're just being over dramatic." His lover deadpanned. 

"Jackson!"

"Okay, fine! Do you really not see what Youngjae is saying?"

"I wouldn't be asking you now would I? If I _do_ know." Mark snapped. 

"He's just... Trying to create a reason so that he don't have to leave Jaebum." Jackson replied, looking at Mark's reaction carefully. When the older of he two didn't reply, he continued. "He's making no sense to you because it _is_ nonsensical. Anyone with a brain can see that no one should return to someone who had hurt them. He knows that too."

"Then... why?"

"Because love is nonsensical, Mark. When does love ever make any sense? Look at us for example, you hated my ass at the beginning yet I can't stop myself from liking you anyway. And in the end, here we are, over a year dating." Jackson explained softly, reaching out to physically rub off the frown on his lover's face. 

"I didn't hate you." Mark replied, feeling guilty all of a sudden. "I just didn't quite _like_ you." He added sheepishly and Jackson just smiled endearingly at how cute Mark looked right then. 

"Oh please, you _hated_ my guts. But... That's what me me like you even more."

"You're a masochist." Mark rolled his eyes. 

"Don't you know it." Jackson winked, and laughed when Mark turned beet red. He pulled the man closer when he decided to hide his red face on the crook of Jackson's neck. "I know you want the best for Youngjae, but maybe let him decide this for himself, yea? He knows himself best, and if he still love Jaebum after what they went through, then maybe the reason Jaebum had is enough for him."

"But... he can cheat again, he can hurt my Youngjae _again_." Mark mumbled.

"Isn't that the risk with _any_ relationship though? There is no certainty in any relationship but... maybe that's why love _can't_ be logical. To push people into taking uncalculated risks, to find their happiness." 

"How can he just forgive him like that? To just go back to how things were like nothing happened?" Mark sighed after a while, understanding what Jackson had meant but still not able to imagine himself to do that, for anyone. 

"Just because he loves the man doesn't mean he will forgive him, or that he had. Isn't that the reason he hadn't reach out to Jaebum yet? He's a grown man, Mark. He knows what Jaebum did was wrong, and maybe he'd figure out that love is not everything. Maybe he won't even forgive Jaebum. Just don't add more pressure on him, okay? He knows what he's doing." Jackson replied, with a kiss to Mark's forehead. "And whatever he decides, knows that he's doing what he thinks will make him happy. And even if you're not happy with it, just be happy because _he_ is happy."

 

 

***

 

 

He knows he didn't made any sense. Mark had looked at him like he had lost his mind and he won't be surprised that he did indeed lost his mind. Because every time he read the journal, he'd come up with different conclusion. For one second, he wouldn't mind dropping everything and run back to Jaebum's arms but his brain would stop him. He knows he should never forgive the man, he's been raised to turn himself away from anything that hurts him, but for some reason he can't bury that urge. The urge to feel Jaebum's presence around him again. Sometimes, when he thinks back about how horrible those few months had been for him, he'd feel this red hot anger towards the man, and all he wants to do then is to burn the journal and never talk to Jaebum ever again, but as quick as the anger came to him, it washes away just as quickly, because his heart aches at the thought of never seeing the man again. 

So one day turns to one week, and now it had been a month since he had finished reading the journal. A month of him him still now knowing what to do, a month of not contacting Jaebum at all. Mark had not been dropping his not so subtle hints about leaving Jaebum and he was a little glad, because as much as he knows that Mark only does that because he cares, it really did quite frustrating on his end. Because he knows what's right and what's wrong but somehow when love gets thrown in the mix, the lines and edges blurs out and Youngjae is just trying his hardest to not fall over.

Jinyoung had been texting him, always so concerned and he wondered if he's telling all these to Jaebum. He wants to ask how Jaebum is doing too, but always finds himself backing away. Too scared to actually do so. But now that a month had passed, he's getting quite anxious, especially after reading the journal. He can't help but to wonder if the nightmare returned? If Jaebum is still having nightmares about him? He types, deletes and retypes the simple question of _'How is Jaebum hyung doing?'_ but never actually sending it. But now, he really need to know and as an excuse, he told himself that he's only asking to help his decision making. 

 

 

***

 

 

"He's doing... fine, Youngjae-ah." Jinyoung replied, after a stunned second of silence. The phone call itself had surprised him, let alone the question about Jaebum. 

"Oh. Oh that's... great." Youngjae replied awkwardly, despite feeling honestly glad. 

"Are you gonna meet him anytime soon?" Jinyoung asked. 

"Umm... I don't know yet hyung..." Youngjae replied honestly. 

"It's okay, Youngjae. Take your time." Jinyoung reassured the younger man. "Just make sure you don't regret anything, Youngjae-ah. And know that Jaebum would respect any decision you make." 

"Thanks, hyung... And I am. I'm worried I'd take the wrong pick too." 

"I'm not saying this because of Jaebum hyung... But I really don't think there is any wrong pick, Youngjae-ah. Whatever you choose, it'll take time to be accepted, by both of you. And sometimes, you might look back and wish you had chosen the other option, but doesn't that come with any pick? So don't stress yourself on making the right choice, because I don't think there is one right now. Just pick what's best for you." Jinyoung said through the phone. 

"I'll try, hyung..." Youngjae nodded, even though the other man is not in front of him.

"I have to go now, but... Take care of yourself, okay?" 

"Okay hyung. You too." Youngjae then wished him goodbye before hanging up the phone, spending the rest of the day running Jinyoung's words in his mind. 

 

 

 

*** 

 

 

"Hyung, are you free? Buy me dinner please." Youngjae whined cutely in front of his desk and Mark just looked up to him, blinking his eyes a few times. "Hyung?" 

"O- Okay?" Mark replied, feeling a bit taken aback at how the younger one is acting, not remembering the last time Youngjae had acted like this in front of him. 

"Let's go to the hole in the wall restaurant at the corner, we can just walk there." Youngjae pulled him up, dragging him out and Mark just nods and follows the younger man blindly. "Should we call Jackson hyung too?" 

"It's alright, Youngjae-ah. I think he's going out with Jinyoung tonight." Mark replied, as they walked to the restaurant. Youngjae was still smiling, even having a little skip in the way he walked and Mark wondered what is making the younger man so happy. 

 "We can always go out with them both next time I guess." 

"Did something happen?" Mark asked, pivoting their conversation away from Jinyoung. 

"Hmm? No? Why?" Youngjae looked at him wide eyed, like a deer caught in headlights. 

"Nothing... You're just very, um cheery today." Mark replied, and added quickly. "Not that it's a bad thing of course! I'm happy you're happy, it's just... been a while?" 

"Well, I guess you can say... something good happened today." Youngjae smiled, looking over the menu. Mark kept quiet, but the younger one didn't continue. Not until they had decided the food they want and told it to the waiter. 

"I have decided hyung." Youngjae announced, with a smile on his face.

"Decided?" Mark asked, an eyebrow raised. 

"Yep, I've decided." Youngjae nodded.

"On what, Youngjae-ah?" 

"What to do with Jaebum hyung." The younger one replied nonchalantly. 

" _What?_ " Mark snapped his head up, almost pouring the glass of water he was holding.

"It's been almost two months now, and I've finally decided." Youngjae shrugged.

"Well?" Mark asked.

"Well what?" Youngjae asked back.

"What do you mean well what? Are you gonna leave him or not?" 

"Oh, I haven't decided on that hyung..." Youngjae's smile dropped, replaced with a small pout. 

"Then what have you decided?" Mark asked, confused. 

"I decided to meet him... And I'll just decide then I guess."

"So you've been all happy today because... you're gonna meet him again?" Mark almost scoffed when Youngjae blushed a little. "What am I going to do with you." He sighed.

"Hyung!" Youngjae's pout deepened. 

"But honestly though, are you sure you're ready?" Mark asked worriedly.

"I'm sure hyung... Sitting around not doing anything won't bring any difference. It's time." Youngjae smiled reassuringly.

"But you really have no idea as of now, whether you'll get back together with him or not?" Mark continued and Youngjae just shrugged.

"I think I know what I want to do... I'll just see how it'll go I guess..." 

The rest of dinner went fine, and Mark enjoyed having his little sunshine back again. Youngjae hadn't been so animated and cheerful, it really did feel like the old warm and happy Youngjae is back. He tried his best that whole time to push the thought of Youngjae's meeting with Jaebum as far back in his mind as possible, but he can't help but to feel worried. It could go to any directions, and he won't know what to do if Youngjae ended up broken again, he doesn't think he'll ever be prepared for it. 

"I know it's been really rough this past few months... And I know I hadn't made it the easiest for you but... I really did just everything to make you happy, you know that right?" Mark asked quietly, as they walked back to the kindergarten. 

"I know..." Youngjae nodded, reaching out to wrap his hand around Mark's arm and pulling himself closer. "And I know I've never thanked you properly hyung... So thank you. Thank you for always being there." 

"And you know I'm going to continue to always be here for you right?" 

"Of course hyung... I also want to say sorry..." 

"Don't." Mark stopped him. "I'll always be here for you, no matter what." 

"I'm sorry because... I've ruined it for you and Jinyoung hyung. I know the both of you had just reconnected, and because of me you're not talking again now. You had fights with Jackson hyung too, I'm sure. I'm sorry."

"Those were not your fault, Youngjae-ah. It was ours... We should've done better, I should've controlled my temper too, to be honest. But it was definitely not your fault, so don't apologize for that. Jinyoung and I could've handled it better, talked it out properly."

"Do you miss him, hyung?" Youngjae asked, a little while later.

"Hmm? I- I mean, we've only started talking a month or two before that so I won't say miss... Exactly but. I guess regret is a better word. It's a shame, I really enjoyed his company."

"It's never too late to talk to him again, hyung. Especially now that I'll be meeting Jaebum hyung, there'll be no reason for you two to be fighting." 

"It's more than that..." Mark sighed, his mind reeling back to how betrayed he felt when he found out Jinyoung had known about what had been going on but not telling him a word. 

"Well, whatever it is... I think you'll regret it more if you stop talking to him completely. Sometimes... I think it's too complicated to just leave it as black and white, hyung... Some things are just never going to be fully wrong or fully right, and I think that' s because everyone is so different. Our opinions on what's right and wrong differs too, even if just slightly."

"Then everyone would just use that as an excuse, wouldn't they? To try and justify their wrongdoings."

"I guess so... But if they did it with the best interest in their mind, it's not too bad is it?" 

"Best interest?" Mark repeated. 

"If they did wrong things, even purposely; if they did it thinking that they're doing the right thing. Or at least wanting it to be the right thing, then I think it's not too bad. What they did is wrong, will always be wrong but... They're not bad people, are they?" 

"I never thought that Jinyoung is a bad person..." Mark mumbled. 

"Then it's easy to talk to him, no? Jinyoung hyung is nice, caring... A good friend, hyung. Don't let it pass." Youngjae smiled, squeezing his arm. They then spent the next couple of minutes in complete silence, just enjoying the night air. 

"When have this kid grow so mature, huh?" Mark teased, ruffling Youngjae's hair and turning the mood light again. He did however start considering reaching out to Jinyoung again. Jinyoung is someone that Jackson is very fond of, it's the least he could do. Plus if Youngjae indeed decided to go back to Jaebum, Mark figured he'd be seeing a lot more of Jinyoung in his life. Mark don't think he'll ever be fully comforatble with Jaebum but maybe Jackson is right. If it does bring Youngjae happiness then who is he to stop that? And if he's being completely honest, he understood completely why Jinyoung did what he did. Especially after all these time after not talk to him, he can't help but to see that he had overreacted and had been too quick to judge Jinyoung. 

 

 

***

 

Jaebum was dressed up, and was about to leave for a group dinner with his coworkers when he received a call from Youngjae, and the younger one asked him if it is okay for him to come over. And Jaebum only had enough tim eto say okay before the younger one hung up. He then called his coworkers to cancel, and just sat on the couch waiting for the younger man. His heart threatened to leap out of his chest, and his feet was shaking, nervous about what is going to happen when Youngjae reach. To keep his hands busy, he decided to make himself a cup of coffee.

The doorbell rang as he was waiting for the water to boil, so he left it to go and open the door, letting the younger man in. He tried his best to keep a calm demeanour but the whole thing still had a tint of awkwardness shadowing over it. Youngjae had greeted him with a tight smile, before entering and standing in the middle of the living room quite awkwardly, before Jaebum asked him to take a seat. He excused himself, before going back to the kitchen to continue brewing the coffee. Youngjae also took that time to inhale deeply, to clear his mind and make himself feel a little less excited. Seeing Jaebum still makes his heart flutters, after all this time. 

"Here, extra sugar." Jaebum placed the mug in front of Youngjae before talking a seat on the love seat next to the armchair that Youngjae was sitting on. 

"Thanks, hyung." Youngjae replied, taking the warm mug in his hands which was feeling cold due to the nervousness he is feeling. 

"So?" Jaebum asked, after a minute of silence and Youngjae showing no sign of breaking that silence. 

"I've read the journal, hyung." Youngjae said, looking down at the journal on his lap, which Jaebum followed with his own eyes. 

"Oh."

"I want to say I'm sorry, first." Youngjae continued, not looking up at the elder. "I'm sorry you had to go through all of that."

"Please- please don't apologise, Jae-ah." Jaebum said, his heart aching with guilt because he don't deserve that sympathy, not from Youngjae. 

"I'm glad though, that you've decided to seek help about it. The doctor is really helpful it seems, from what you've written here at least." Youngjae placed the journal on the table, pushing it slightly towards Jaebum.

"Yeah, the doctor... She's great." Jaebum nodded. 

"That's good." Youngjae offered a smile before silence consumed the air again. "But..."

"But?" Jaebum asked, even though he could guess what the younger one will say. _'But I can't forgive you. But it's too late. But you've hurt me too much. But I hate you.'_

"But I still don't get something." Youngjae had a small frown on his face. "You... you could've just told me all of this."

"I didn't want to burden you." Jaebum replied honestly.

"You not telling me anything was burdensome, hyung." Youngjae said.

"I thought... At that time I thought it's better you don't know."

"How about now? Now that I've known. What do you expect me to do?" Youngjae asked, wanting to know what is going on in Jaebum's mind before he decide anything. Would Jaebum expect him to return? Would his guilt still be too heavy that he'd still refuse entry? Jaebum stayed quiet for a couple of minutes and Youngjae grew nervous. He thought Jaebum would answer instantly that he wants him back... but perhaps it wasn't only him that had been making a decision. 

"I... I don't know." Jaebum looked away and Youngjae couldn't explain why he felt hurt by that. 

"You don't know?" Youngjae asked, in disbelief. 

"I just want the best for you, all this time I just want the best for you Jae-ah. I just don't know _what_ that is." 

"If leaving you is what's best for me, you'll let me leave?" Youngjae asked, his breath caught in his throat. 

"If that's what you want, then yes." Jaebum nodded, meeting Youngjae's eyes, only then noticing how the younger one teared up.

"Really?" Youngjae scoffed. "This is pathetic, you're pathetic." 

"What do you want me to say?" Jaebum asked, frustrated that he made the younger one cry, yet again. 

"All this time, why haven't you learned it yet?" Youngjae choked up, wiping his tears. "You're still deciding for yourself what is best for me, not asking me anything, just deciding it by yourself!"

"How can I ask you?! Isn't it _obvious_ what you should decide? I hurt you, you _should_ leave me." Jaebum replied. 

"It's that easy for you?" Youngjae whispered, looking at the older man. Looking at how he has his arms covering himself, head bent down; his posture just screaming defeat. 

"Of course it's not easy! But... What else..." Jaebum whimpered, shoving his face into the palms of his hands, trying his best to keep his frustrations down. 

"You've decided, haven't you?" Youngjae muttered, and laughed bitterly when the older one didn't even flinch. "You've decided that we're not going to get back together."

"I haven't decide anything!" Jaebum argued. 

"You might as well have!" Youngjae shouted.

"What do you want me to say then?!" Jaebum shouted back, not knowing why Youngjae is angry out of the sudden.

"Ask me to stay goddamn it! Don't just assume everything, fight for what you want. Even if it's not logical, even if you think the outcome will never go your way, can't you just try to fight for it? Fight for me? All these time, I've spent on trying to accept the fact that it's _okay_ for me to want you back, but you've decided... All these while, you've accepted the fact that we'll never get back together." Youngjae broke down. 

"Are you... You want to return to me?" Jaebum whispered, looking at the younger man, not believing his ears. 

"Why should I? What is there to return to?" Youngjae shook his head bitterly. "I can't love someone who won't fight for me."

And that is it the line that finally cracked Jaebum's heart to a million pieces. That's the line that he had expected from the younger man, that there is no more love for him but it still hurts. He spent the past couple of months with his wishful thinking, but with Youngjae right in front of him, he couldn't bring himself to ask the younger man to stay with him. And Youngjae is wrong, it's not because he don't want to fight for it, it's because he couldn't bring the younger man into the war with him. He can't ever do more damage to the younger man, no more that what he had already done. He can't put the younger man in any risk ever again. And he wants to tell all of this, scream all of this to the younger man, but maybe now Youngjae would finally move on. Now is his only chance to rid of him altogether. 

"So this is it?" He asked, each word weighing a tonne. 

"I think you've decided that for us both." Youngjae replied coldly.

This is not the way he wanted this to turn out, Youngjae thought. Even though it was only two seconds ago that he told Jaebum off, he still wants the older man to ask him to stay. To just say something, tell him he loves him; anything. Anything to show him that he's not the only one that's invested in making them work, but the older man says no such thing. It had been hard, to accept the fact that the older man had cheated on him, hurt him purposely. It had been hard for him to accept the fact that he still loves the man despite all of that; because he was raised to avoid anything that hurt him. He was raised to know whats right and whats wrong. He was constantly reminded of it with Mark next to him.

So it took him two whole months, but he finally accepted that sometimes it's just impossible to do that. He had accepted that he loves Jaebum, and he thought that Jaebum had loved him too but maybe he... doesn't. Not as much as he loved the older man. And Youngjae refuse to return to someone who won't do anything to make it work. He refuse to be the person that he was; the person that had just kept quiet when his lover was obviously having an issue. The person that had kept quiet even when his lover was blatantly cheating on him. He refuse to be weak. 

And so he left.

 

 

***

 

 

"You're an idiot, Im Jaebum." Jinyoung muttered, hands on his hips, looking down at the crying man sitting on his couch. When the man looked up at him wide eyed, and obviously shocked by his choice of words. "What did I tell you? Don't just assume he'd leave you! And of course you did just that."

"How could I not?" Jaebum asked.

"I told you to let him decide!" Jinyoung scolded the older man. 

"I can't let him hurt himself again." Jaebum sighed, sniffling. 

"Then _don't_ hurt him. Why do you think you'd hurt him again, if you don't want to then you won't." Jinyoung replied exasperatedly. 

"It doesn't matter now, he doesn't love me anymore." Jabum whimpered, new tears falling down his cheeks again. 

"How are you so dense? Of course he's in love with you! Why do you think he got so pissed?" Jinyoung said softer, taking pity to the crying man.

"He told me-"

"He _can't_ , not he _don't_. If you love him, you would've wanted him to stay."

"Of course I want him to stay!" Jaebum argued back.

"Then why didn't you tell him that? Cause like I said, you're an idiot Im Jaebum." Jinyoung shook his head, leaving the crying man there to continue with his cooking. 

"How are you so sure?" Jaebum asked, following his friend like a lost puppy with it's tail wagging between it's hind legs.

"Because..." Jinyoung started, turning to look at Jaebum. "Mark reached out to me."

"What?" Jaebum asked, shocked. 

"Mark reached out to me, and we had only talked once since then but, and I quote, his words not mine. _Since Youngjae and Jaebum is getting back together again, I don't see why we need to continue this cold war_." 

"He said that?" Jaebum asked, still in disbelief. 

" _Yes_. So whatever it is Youngjae had told him, it must've been something that convinced him that you two are getting back together. I think Youngjae came by that night because he _wants_ you back, hyung." Jinyoung replied.

"Then why did he say he doesn't love me?" Jaebum said, more to himself and that's when Jinyoung hit him with his wooden paddle.

"He never said that, he said he _can't_."

"That means the same thing." 

"No it doesn't."

"Yes it does. Well he left anyway, surely for good this time." Jaebum groaned, sniffling and wiping his tears away. Jinyoung just looked at his friend, and sighed heavily. Deciding that there is nothing he can say to change the older man's mind. 

 

 

***

 

 

"Youngjae?? What are you doing here?" Jaebum asked, shocked to see the other man sitting on the waiting area outside the doctor's office.

"Sorry, I probably should've informed you before just barging in here." Youngjae replied sheepishly.

"No, that's alright but... _Why_ are you here?" Jaebum asked.

"I um uh... Took down your schedule?" Youngjae replied and at the look of confusion on Jaebum's face, he continued. "You wrote it on our journal. Along with this address and your doctor's phone number." 

"Oh. Okay." Jaebum replied though it was nowhere near okay, it still didn't answer his question. But he kept quiet and sat next to the man. 

"I understand if you want me to leave." Youngjae replied hurriedly, moving to get up from the chair but Jaebum stopped him. 

"No Youngjae, it's fine, really. But... I just don't know why you're here. I thought... I thought we've done talking, I thought we're over." 

"Doesn't mean we won't ever see each other again, right?" Youngjae replied. 

" _Oh_." Was all that Jaebum could reply, because that is exactly what he had expected. 

"Unless did... Did you think so?" Youngjae asked, taken aback by the frown on Jaebum's face. 

"Well, I _hoped_ not..." Jaebum admitted.

"You really thought I don't want to see you again? Cause that's not what I meant when I-" 

"I just... I wouldn't be surprised. Plus if you're not in love with me anymore, I don't see why you'd wanna stay." Jaebum said, cutting the younger man off. 

"I never said I don't love you anymore you know." Youngjae confessed after a couple of moment passed in silence.

"You don't have to... _Say it_."

"No I don't." Youngjae repeated after Jaebum, before continuing. "Cause I do love you Jaebum, I'll _always_ love you." 

"What?" Jaebum whispered, looking at Youngjae teary eyed, the slightest bit of hope of them getting back together started to pulse in his heart. 

"I love you, I never stopped. I still love you, but... love is not enough sometimes."

"Oh." Jaebum looked away, scolding himself for letting even the slightest ray of hope shine in him. 

"Jae, look at me." Youngjae said softly, reaching out to run his hand through the older man's hair. And Jaebum turned to look at him, head unconsciously moving to rub against Youngjae's hand. "That night, I got so angry because I thought you didn't love me anymore Jaebum." Youngjae explained.

"Of course I love you." Jaebum replied quickly, needing the younger man to know that.

"I... I know, hyung. But when you told me it's fine for me to walk away I can't help but to wonder if you want me to go. I thought you'd ask me to stay, tell me how much you loved me and when you didn't do any of that, I just snapped. Even though I know you love me, I couldn't help but think that you don't."

"I want you to stay, Jae-ah. More than anything I just want us to go back to how things were, I wish I can just turn back time and undo all the things I've done... But I thought I've hurt you enough, I can't risk hurting you again."

"I'm... I'm willing to take that risk, hyung. Love alone is not enough... But that was never the question was it? I realised that our love had always been enough, it's the everything else that is needed in a relationship that we failed at." Youngjae continued.

"What are you saying, Youngjae-ah?" Jaebum asked, breathe stuck in his chest. 

 

"I'm saying that if you're willing, let's try to make us work again. We can go to couples counselling, we can start fresh Jaebum. I don't think I'm ready to just fall back to how it was before. No, I don't want it to be the way it was before, I want it to work this time." 

"It?"

"Us, Jaebum. I want us to work, even if it takes a _lot_ of time. Even if it takes a lot of work and energy, and even if it gets so hard to the point we'd feel like breaking up again. I want us to work this time, I want us to be _happy_. We can take it slow, we don't have to rush into anything, because... You're _it_ for me, Jaebum. We have the rest of our lives to make this work." 

"Really? You'd give me you whole..." Jaebum whimpered, tears rolling down his cheeks. 

"We can start off as friends!" Youngjae nodded enthusiastically, wiping the older man's tears away. "You can ask for my number, we can start talking and then-" Youngjae choked up, starting to tear up despite the smile he's supporting. " Ask me out on a date? It won't be easy, and I can't promise that... I'd be _easy_ to handle but Jaebum... if you're willing..." 

"Of course I am!" Jaebum replied, pulling the younger man for a hug, and letting the man cry as he continued crying himself. "You're it for me too, Jae-ah. For the rest of time, _you're it for me_."

 

 _"Let's be happy._ "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah! That is it you guys, that's the end :) I don't know what you guys had expected, but I hope it's good enough. I never wrote something this long before, and it wasn't even my intention when I started this. That first 600 words drabble somehow blossomed into this 50k monster lol. Next time, I'd plan it out better, surely. But for my first fanfic it turned out quite well, I think or at least I hope so. From reading this, you can see from the way I always leave a note at every other chapter, I talk a lot a lot a lot but I really am excited about this. And like I've said every single kudos and every single comment means the world to me. Thank you again (for the final time I suppose) for taking your time to not only read this, but to leave a kudos and even taking time to comment I mean... I didn't even know I'd feel this happy to be honest. If I had known I would've started writing wayyy earlier. In my head you're all my friends now lol nope not sorry, you guys brought this upon yourself, I'm your friend now. 
> 
> Jokes aside though, this year had been wild (not only for me I feel) and writing this really took my mind off things, getting your comments also was the highlight of some of my days. I know it's getting annoying, but thank you so much! Especially the comments in the most recent chapters, letting me know that it's okay for me to take my time, they really put my mind on ease. All those comments mean so much to me, Imma say it here, thank you all. 
> 
> If you guys have any ideas as to what my next story should be, hit me up guys! I was wondering if i should make a side story to this, or rather than side should I say continuation? Like short fluffy oneshots about their life cause all my stories are angst, I really wanna improve my fluff writing skills lol :3 Should I? If I actually do, then it won't be a definite update, just whenever I feel like it I suppose. If you have prompts, for the oneshots or future stories... As always, let me know what you think guys!!! Ahhh I'm excited to read your comments and reply to all of em :3


	31. Gifts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Months months later and now they're back dating x

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unbeta'd. Hell, not even double checked.

"Shouldn't you be happy then?" Mark asked, looking at Jackson before looking back at Youngjae in confusion. "I mean if Jackson would treat me even one tenth of that I'd be over the moon to be honest."

"Hey!" Jackson elbowed him.

"I mean- I guess I am but... it's too much." Youngjae confessed with slumped shoulders. 

"Then just tell him to stop doing it." Jackson replied.

"I tried once, but that triggered him to make it even worse than it was. At this rate I'm genuinely worried about the state of his wallet." The youngest one continued. "I just don't know what to do with him."

"This is the first time I've ever heard anyone complaining about someone treating them _'too much'_. Just accept the gifts!" Mark shook his head.

"But-" 

"He brings you out for dinners, he buys you gifts, he visits you at work, I don't see why you're complaining." Mark said.

"I'm not complaining."

"Then what are you doing?"

"I'm just saying, it's a little too much." Youngjae shrugged.

"Ah, you need your alone time, is that it?" Jackson quipped in.

"No, no. I want to spend every waking second with him-" Mark and Jackson fake gagged at that but Youngjae shut them off with a glare. "But he don't have to buy me a gift every other day. Or take me out to dinner, I'm fine with just... Being home with him." 

"And when you told him that, what did he say?"

"He said he don't mind and asked me not to worry about it. But then proceeding to buy me even more gifts and taking me out to more dinners!" Youngjae whined. "Can you believe him?"

"Umm, yes I can Youngjae, it's just called being a nice boyfriend." Jackson replied with Mark murmuring his agreement.

"He already is a nice boyfriend _without_ all of that." Youngjae sighed in frustration, not expecting both Mark and Jackson to not see where he is coming from.

"Is there somehting more to this Youngjae?" Mark asked, eyeing the younger one carefully. "It's not really just about the gifts is it?" 

"Hmm, what do you mean?" Youngjae asked him back.

"You look like you're real worried, Youngjae and if it's just the gifts that's bothering you, it's really not a huge deal. So is there something else?" Mark continued but Youngjae just shook his head.

"There's nothing hyung, I just don't _need_ all these things." 

 

***

 

"Well, do you like it?" Jaebum asked, grinning widely and Youngjae just looked back down on the nth sweater he received from the older one just this week alone.

"Hyung, you've got me like three sweaters already." Youngjae replied, and Jaebum immediately lost his smile.

"Do you want something else? I can always-" Jaebum started but Youngjae cut him off.

"No, hyung it's fine! It's fine, I'm just saying..." 

"You said you were really into sweaters lately so I just wanted to get you some. If you need anything else, let me know, okay?" Jaebum smiled softly.

"I can afford my own clothes, hyung." Youngjae pouted, voice a little whiny. 

"I'm not saiyng you can't, Jae-ah. These are just gifts from your boyfriend." Jaebum ruffled his hair.

"You really don't have to buy me thiese things, you know that right?" Youngjae asked, placing his hand on Jaebum's, and giving it a squeeze. 

"Of course I don't _have_ to, I want to. Trust me." Jaebum smiled, before picking up the sweater and walking into his bedroom to place it next to the other pile of clothes Jaebum had gotten him recently. 

 

***

 

"Nice shoes." Mark commented when Youngjae came to work, looking down at the white sneakers. 

"Jaebum hyung bought it for me." Youngjae whined and Mark chuckled. 

"You're still whining about that?" 

"I've lost count hyung. I don't even remember how many things he have bought me." 

"At this point, wouldn't it be better to just enjoy it?" Mark asked.

"He just keep on saying they're just gifts from a boyfriend." Youngjae grumbled, taking his seat. 

"That's just because they're just that? Gifts from a boyfriend." 

"Yeah, sure hyung." Youngjae replied monotonously, continuing with his work. 

"Youngjae?" 

"Hmm?" 

"Honestly, why is this bugging you so much?" Mark asked, walking over and sat in front of Youngjae's desk. 

"I- Honestly I don't know how to say this." Youngjae slumped down. "I feel like he's trying to compensate over what happened with all these gifts." 

"Buying you over?" Mark frowned.

"No! That's exactly what I don't want it to sound like... I just- I know he still feels guilty over it and he's, well it's not just the gifts. He's just been so overly nice to me lately." 

"So, you're scared that it's just a one time thing then?" 

"No, I'd actually prefer it if it is." Youngjae replied. 

"What do you mean?"

"I want him to get over this 'guilty' phase of his. We've moved on, well at least I think we did. I know it was going to be hard, and we've passed that. We made it, we're dating and it's back to how it used to be. Well, almost."

"But it did happen, Youngjae. He can't just erase it, and neither should you." Mark said. 

"I hate dragging it! What's the point? I just want it to be like how it was before."

"Have you talked to him about this?" Mark asked after a couple of minutes. 

"No.' Youngjae shook his head. "I know he'd just feel even guiltier."

"Keeping it to yourself won't help."

"I'm just waiting it out, hyung."

"Well, you said it yourself, you've lost count to how many things, to how long it has been." Mark shrugged and Youngjae sighed.

"How am I even supposed to bring this up?" 

 

***

 

"Hey baby." Jaebum greeted him as he entered, dropping a kiss on his temple. 

"Hi hyung." Youngjae replied, hugging him sideways and clinging on to the older one until they're seated on the couch. 

"I got you something." Jaebum said excitedly, resting a small bag on the table and Youngjae sighed.

"Again?" He asked, his tone harsher than he had intended.

"Jae?" Jaebum asked, eyebrows shooting up as he turned to look at his boyfriend. "Are you upset at something?"

"N-No hyung. I'm sorry, just a long day." He replied quickly, adding an awkward laugh at the end but Jaebum saw right through him. 

"No, tell me what's bothering you." 

"Nothing hyung, really. It's not a big deal." Youngjae insisted.

"If it's upsets you even a little, it is a big deal, Jae-ah." Jaebum said, ruffling the younger's hair. "Tell me."

"Promise you won't get mad?" Youngjae asked, his voice small and his head down which made Jaebum worry.

"Of course. Now tell me what's worrying you, Jae-ah." 

"You know how you've been getting me all these gifts?" Youngjae asked, and looked up for a second when Jaebum nodded. "You know you don't have to get them for me right?" 

"I said I-" Jaebum started but Youngjae interrupted.

"I know, hyung. They're just gifts, but I'd prefer if you stop, hyung." Youngjae confessed and Jaebum stayed quiet, not knowing how to quite reply.

"Will you at least tell me why?" He asked after a few beat of silence.

"Because.. I feel like you're- No, it's umm. Ugh." Youngjae sighed, hiding his face in the palm of his hands and Jaebum felt horrible that he is making Youngjae feel this bad.

"You don't have to, I'm sorry baby. You don't have to tell me, I'll stop, okay?" Jaebum cradled his face and Youngjae felt his heart crack a little at the look of guilt in his lover's eyes when he looked up. That's when he decided it's best to just get this over it.

"Hyung." Youngjae started, taking a huge breath in. "I know you meant nothing but good things with the gifts but, it makes me feel pressured. They're just gifts, but because of... Well, what happened. I can't help but feel like you're just buying these things because you still feel bad." 

Jaebum's jaw dropped slightly and the horrible feeling returned. He did it again, he thought. Once more, he made Youngjae worry, he made the younger one distressed. Once again, he's being a bad boyfriend. The guilt sank deep in him, twisting his guts as his hands fell off Youngjae's face. And Youngjae watched this pass in slow motion, and felt panic rises up in him. He could almost hear it loud and clearly, the thoughts passing through Jaebum's mind. 

"Hyung, stop!" Youngjae cried out, leaving a kiss on his cheek, snapping Jaebum out of it. "I know what you're thinking, and that's not what this is about. I love you hyung, so much. And I know you love me too, I know you love me more than anything so no, hyung. I don't need all these things from you. I just need you. You alone is enough." 

"Jae, I swear I didn't mean to pressure you or, keep bringing back what happened." Jaebum replied, voice barely a whisper. 

"I know hyung, that's why I didn't say anything all these time. But I just want to go back to how it was, okay? And to do that you need to stop feeling so guilty, hyung. It happened and we've moved on. Okay? We've moved on. And we have each other, and that's all that matters." Youngjae replied, pulling the older one into a hug. 

"I love you, Jae." Jaebum said, hugging him back and Youngjae smiled.

"I know, and I love you too, hyung."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be fluff, I don't even have an excuse for myself. I have an itch to continue this but I don't want to drag it. What should I do? 
> 
> In other news I have too much drafts which I should've paid attention to more.


End file.
